sticksandbones | 04 ⸸⸸ july+ catch-all

Entry tags:

04 ⸸⸸ july+ catch-all

Who: trigun polycule (and friends. feel free to make toplevels)
What: catch-all for july and until i make a new one
When: july (lol) and beyond
Where: wherever
Warnings: discussion of canon-typical violence/death, vashwood-typical relationship drama, etc. anything more will be warned for as it comes up in threads.

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[given that livio has spent more time in this particular place than either vash or wolfwood, he hopes that it's a neutral enough spot for both of them. he's been trying to juggle spending time with them separately as promised, coping with the knowledge of injuries and death the false god has caused, and becoming a bit of a recluse, himself.

all in all, a worse time couldn't have come for him to have to deal with all this new information. but... it needs to be addressed. after all, he hasn't spoken to either of his partners yet about why he looks and sounds a little different, and he can only imagine how concerning that is.

so finally, after getting them to agree to this little meeting, he sits the three of them down in a room smaller than a classroom but bigger than an office. all the furniture is adult-sized, and livio has strategically placed chairs on either side of him at a round table, so that vash and nick don't have to be close to each other if they're not comfortable with that right now. as for livio, once he sinks into his own chair, he hunkers down and stares straight at the table, turning his hat around in his lap and only glancing briefly at either of them as he tries to figure out how to start.]

... Thanks. And... sorry. I got somethin' important to tell you both, but I – I don't think I got it in me to do it twice.

[Wolfwood hasn't brought it up, but Livio has been...worrying him, lately. He knows that he's been having a hard time, just as hard as any of the rest of them, between what's gone on in their relationship, down to what went down with the attacks that ultimately claimed Mizuki's life. They are all drained and struggling to keep their heads above water, knowing that things have been set along a path to only get worse from here.

...so why does it feel to him like Livio is about to deliver to them something even worse?

When he asks if both he and Vash can meet to speak to him, he doesn't argue or ask what it's for, he just agrees. He highly doubts it's going to be a situation of Livio putting them both in a room and demanding they make up or something, because he just wouldn't do that. No, this is about something else...and he's trying really hard not to think too hard about what it might be.

Now that they're all here, Wolfwood is stonily silent from his end of the table. Livio has the floor as well as his complete attention, though...he'd be lying if he said he didn't occasionally glance over to Vash. Though, if their gazes should happen to meet, he'll look away to stop the way his heart immediately begins to ache. He hasn't seen or spoken to Vash since their argument on the beach, and...it shows.]

[Likewise, Vash has also grown worried about their dear Livio. Though his head has been twisting over other matters, he hasn't been so far up his own ass to have not noticed what was happening with the other man. He hates to see it, truly, but he hasn't been able to properly address it with the man.

Until now. Now, in the same room as his... ex? boyfriend? It's hard to say.

Vash, to his credit, doesn't look any worse for wear than usual. His eyes are still the same, normal hue and shape. He doesn't look like he's been running himself ragged, or getting into trouble. There are likely shadows under his eyes, but it isn't for lack of trying to sleep. It just doesn't come easy when you're used to sharing a bed with three people and a dog.

In any case, when Livio sits, Vash promptly sits up and looks to him. It's the first time he's really looked at anyone, preferring to keep his gaze on the floor. It's not that he doesn't want to see Wolfwood, he just knows he won't be able to stomach whatever is there. Anger. Revulsion. Sorrow. Joy. None of them paint a particularly happy picture in his mind.

He does now, though. Briefly, just for a second, when he's sure that Nick will be distracted. And just as quickly, he looks back to Livio.]

Liv. Before you get started, I just want you to know. Whatever it is... We - [He has to remind himself that there is no we. Not right now.] I'm here for you.

[at vash's stumbling over his words, livio frowns. it isn't that he feels some type of way about whether it's "we" or "i." he'll leave that to nick to decide. it's... the sentiment that he figured vash would have, but... doesn't know if it'll last. his shoulders draw further in, and he tries to swallow the lump in his throat.]

I -- went back. To No Man's Land. I was tryin' to sleep one moment, 'n the next, I... woke up at Hopeland. [this is one part of many that he's dreading vash in particular hearing. his voice, already shaky, grows even quieter.] It was like -- all my time here'd never happened. I didn't remember a thing, while I was back.

[...

The mention of No Man's Land- of Hopeland- is enough to get Wolfwood to sit forward. His chair makes a noise, even, with how sudden he moves without meaning to, his brows knit as whatever pretenses they had going on here, whatever awkwardness between them, it's just...pushed aside, far aside.

Livio seems genuinely shaken, and for good reason. They don't even know what exactly happened yet, and even then...]

The fuck? Seriously?

[Predictably, Vash's stomach bottoms out. Perhaps, though, it's not for the reason Livio might think. The goal, recently, had been to go back once everything was resolved, a plan in hand. That they could easily be sucked out without knowledge, forced to watch things play out without the ability to fight it.

He feels... helpless. His arms fold, while his fingers clutch tightly at his jacket. If he pulls tight enough, it feels like an embrace around him. He just has to stay calm. This was different. This wasn't the end of hope. If they went back through the gate that had been opened, maybe they'd have a better sense of what they were up against.

He just had to hold onto that hope, and swallow down his fears for the time being. After all, Livio clearly had enough to worry about. He didn't need Vash melting down on him.]

And then you just... woke up here all the same? [A pause.] Sorry, that's... I'm getting ahead of myself. Are you okay?

Edited 2024-07-05 00:15 (UTC)

... Yeah, seriously. 'n yeah, I just woke up back here after I...

After everythin'. [god... livio doesn't know how the fuck he's going to break this.

it's impossible not to notice wolfwood's astonishment, with how he moves. vash is more subtle, but he reacts exactly how livio expected. he knows that the chance to formulate a plan to work with, should he have to face knives back home, has been vash's only comfort. and livio... hates ripping that away from him.

but it's only the start.]

We'd just fought, before I got here in Winter. [and he'd tried so desperately to believe that nick was fine, back home, until he had to relive it, helpless to stop it, in march.]

When I came to... [livio's eyes close, and he squeezes the brim of his hat until his knuckles blanch.] ... Nick was already dead.

[There is a silence that follows, in the wake of that revelation, that permeates the entire room. It sinks into your gut and festers there, turning blood to ice and making time tick by just that much slower. Though Wolfwood had been sitting forward before, he finds himself sinking back into his seat again, his expression blank and incredulous.

It's not like the idea that he and Livio fought back on No Man's Land was a new one, to him. Nor the idea that that particular fight had gone badly, and not in his favor. But Livio didn't know what happened after. He'd blacked out, he had no way of knowing what followed next.

But to hear that you're dead. Really, truly dead. It's a strangely sobering feeling, even for someone like Wolfwood, who always told himself he'd die young. Livio wouldn't be reacting this way if it weren't true, either. If he hadn't had some sort of real, concrete information to confirm it did happen.

...Wolfwood's ears ring, blocking out all other sound. He forgets to say anything.]

[In the wake of learning of JuLai, Vash had once had the foolish thought that it couldn't get worse than that. How could anything ever weigh more than millions of lives, lives that had been snuffed out.

What a fool he was.

When Vash looks to Wolfwood, he makes no effort to disguise it. He studies the planes of his face, the way his shades hug against the bridge of his nose. He looks at his lips, then down to the stubble against his jaw. He thinks of the agonizing weeks he spent knowing the man was dead, and at least having the faint hope that he could come back. That was the cruel blessing of this world. It would take from you, but at least it had a chance to spit you back out in kind.

There were no such miracles on No Man's Land.]

You're wrong - [Vash has only just begun the process of patching the gaping wound in his chest back together. Now it threatens to fracture into pieces once more. The cracks are already evident in the way his voice shakes.] You have to be wrong! I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I'd protect him. I'd protect both of you!

He can't be dead!!

[somehow, livio was convinced that nick already fully believed that this was the inevitable outcome. but judging on how slack he goes... had he been holding out hope, as liv once had? and now what can livio do but crush him and his hope? but break vash's heart again?

part of livio wants to match vash's urgency, his panic, but... he finds himself quiet and slow, still.]

He was. And there ain't a damn thing anybody could do about it. He took two vials, because of me. Not a one goddamn thing ya coulda done, Vash.

[a choked sound comes out of him. it gets so much worse. he can't already be on the verge of tears, dammit.]

I'm sorry.

[See, the thing is, Wolfwood hadn't totally believed it back then. Not that he thought Livio was lying, far from it. It just sounded so...unreal? Like how could he die just like that? Up against Livio, of all people? Well...Razlo, he has to imagine.

So, yeah. Maybe he was holding out hope, without even realizing it. And how poetic, how fitting, that he didn't die to a bullet, but to an overdose. It's the same fucking way he died here. He overextended, relief too much on the vice the Eye had tethered him to, and then died for it.

Died. For nothing.

Like Livio, Wolfwood can't find it in himself to panic, to be outraged. He's too stunned numb, and for a long time he finds he can't make out words at all. His hands are balled into loose fists atop the table, and really he's more upset at his own self for making the same stupid mistake twice. Makes sense he would, he guesses, but that doesn't soothe the sting any less.]

Liv.

[Ah, fuck. Already his voice sounds strained. A little smaller than it ought, for Wolfwood.]

That. ...it ain't your fault. I...

[He...he's the one who made that choice. Even if it came along because of that fight. He still made that choice.]

[Vash can't comprehend how both men are so calm. This is Wolfwood's life they're talking about. Where both of them seemed resigned, Vash can't help but panic. The urge to move strikes him, but this time it isn't to run, but to fight back.

He doesn't know what to say or do in this moment. And with the absence of any words to offer, and for fear of opening his mouth and making it about his own damn self, Vash simply lifts his hand to his mouth and covers it. He stares down at the floor, trying to will his mind not to spiral, and spiraling nonetheless.

It wasn't fair. But when had anything ever been fair for him? For any of them?]

[... he doesn't know what to say, to either of them. ideally, he could stop to comfort them both, but he fears that if he loses momentum, he won't get it back. it already feels like forever that he's been keeping this all close to his chest.

so vash has to receive more bad news.]

Knives assimilated with all the Plants but for Octovern. He's tryin' to starve out or slaughter every human planetside. Laid a whole damn trap for a fleet from Earth, tryin' to blow them up, too.

[as much information as that is to take in, livio still feels he can't stop. if he stops, he'll never say it. vash gets his bad news, and wolfwood... wolfwood gets to learn that... yeah. it was for nothing.]

I don't know how it goes down, 'cuz... [one hand detaches its vice grip on his hat to rub furiously at his eyes.]

Bluesummers got his fight with Vash. I... I'm sorry. [ah. so the sting becomes a burn, and his chest spasms.] I was weak. He got his threads in me. He -- wanted to force you into killin' him, Vash, but... [but the grip on his throat only tightened, and livio's world went black.]

... I woke up in the cave.

[with the implications of his last words out there, finally, finally he can't keep it together, anymore, and he sobs.]

I'm -- sorry. I'm so sorry.

[The bad news keeps coming. And at this point, like...it's so bad that Wolfwood can't even hope anymore for sparing Vash's feelings, like he had when he kept the destruction of JuLai from him. Honestly, Livio just being this open with telling them the whole, ugly truth of everything makes him feel- genuinely- like he'd made a huge mistake.

No time to ruminate over that now, not when his head is spinning so fast he can barely concentrate. His hands have begun to shake atop the table. He registers key points. Knives attempting mass extinction of humankind. Trying to destroy the Earth, or what's left of it.

Bluesummers.

He got his threads in me.

Wolfwood knows him intimately, as much as he hates the man with every fiber of his being. He knows...he knows how his abilities work. His threads. You don't just survive them "getting in you". You simply do not. It's the same with Midvalley and his sound, you do not escape when you are the target.

You die. You just...die.

And Livio scarcely has a chance to get the apology out of his mouth before Wolfwood's stoic numbness fractures, finally shattering into blind, seething rage. He surges to his feet, slamming one fist down on the table with enough force to make the whole damn thing shake, the sound echoing through the room like a gunshot. He's half bowed over the edge, his dark hair fanning into his face and shielding his expression mostly otherwise, but the force he's gritting his teeth with is unreal. It pulses through his jaw, causes a vein in his forehead to bulge, until he finally moves away from the table.]

Fuck! FUCK!

[He brings both hands up to grip his head before he begins to pace, a stumbling shuffle from here to there, because he's fucking broken now and can't manage to go any other way.

And as he walks, he tries...desperately, to fight the very same urge that he knows Vash feels every single time something like this happens.

To run. To somehow escape the inevitability of their intertwined fates. To avoid his death, to avoid the destruction of the entire world as they know it, to avoid losing Livio and Vash all over again.

He eventually comes to the wall closest to the table, just a few feet from it, turning so that his shoulders press against it. His hands still fisted in his hair, he tilts his head far back towards the ceiling, and then he just...slides down to the floor, ducking his head forward until his forehead is against his knees, sort of half curled like that there so he doesn't actually try to break something in here.]

[Unlike the two of them, Vash doesn't inherently know what Legato's ability can do. It doesn't take much to figure out that it's bad though. He can only imagine the fate that awaits them somewhere down the road.

A gun in hand. A choice he's never been able to make. He'd thought it unfair before, but then there was this.

Vash is almost afraid to follow Wolfwood with his eyes. His whole body stiffens, waiting for condemnation. How long had the man scorned Vash for his stubborn ideals? He'd once said that Vash would have to choose one day. It doesn't take much to picture his fury, knowing that the person he loved most of all had his life hanging in the balance, and Vash and his gun were the only ones that could save him.

It's a wonder he doesn't get decked in the face there and then. As he does, a sinister whisper fills his head. Funny, how Wolfwood had been willing to ignore the lives of millions. But give him the right one, and he'd surely spill everything in the hopes of a miracle.

Yet despite the thought trying so hard to bring Vash down, he doesn't crumble. If anything, it gives him strength. His best work had been done in the interest of defiance, hadn't it? And what was this, if not the ultimate display of it.

His voice starts small as he speaks, but with each word, he finds a growing confidence.]

Do you guys really have that little faith in me? [He forces a laugh, a smile wider than any he's ever smiled before.] A guy I know once said we've got guts and we've got grit. As long as we have that... As long as I have that, it'll be okay.

[He turns to Wolfwood. The smile fades, but the determination remains.]

I mean it. I know you think I'm full of hot air half of the time, and I know I don't much of anything about the future. But I'm not going to let anything happen to Livio, okay? I promise you, Nick.

[He turns back to Livio.]

I promise you both.

[were it not for the matter of julai, livio would have been perfectly content keeping all of this from both of them. but vash made it clear that he didn't want any secrets.

it's almost... offensive, how easily vash brushes off everything. not that livio wants him to hurt -- the farthest thing from it. but he can't just...

liv takes a moment to get control of his breathing again, then looks vash dead in the eye.]

It ain't that I don't got faith in you, Vash. I just -- lived it. This isn't some hypothetical future for me. It happened.

And I -- I don't wanna be the reason you abandon yer values. Y'shouldn't have to be forced to choose, anyway, but... it's my fault. I should've been... stronger. Fought back harder. Shit...

[as his own resolve fails, he glances over to nick, pulled up into a ball. he would rather get torn apart over and over than face the fact that he's put wolfwood in such a state. of course, he doesn't blame nicholas, either. the man fucking died so that he could live a free man, and livio just... threw it away.]

[He is well aware that him reacting in this way is childish, and unhelpful. But he is...this close to a breakdown, over here. Just like how Vash couldn't understand how calm they were both being, he can't fathom how Vash is able to still see some optimistic angle here. It's like...no matter what they do, no matter what comes next after their time in the Grove, it isn't going to matter anyway. If Nai has his way...everything will be reduced to atoms. There will be no home to go back to. No JuLai. No Hopeland. No No Man's Land. No home.

Nothing left but the Plants that they abused, taking over in the stead of humanity. It feels...deserving almost, after the shit they'd constantly pulled.

Wolfwood doesn't say anything as he listens to Vash and Livio speak beyond where he's crouched, both of their voices sounding like they're coming to him from very far away. Vash insists that they'll find a way to fix everything. That there has to be a way, just like he always does. And Livio...understandably, is trying to get Vash to understand that this isn't a hypothetical future that might happen. No, it fucking happened, he LIVED it and is now just relaying it to them. There is no fixing that.

What do you even do? What do you even say. Wolfwood isn't sure he's ever felt this lost in his entire short life, but this really takes the cake. It really puts everything that's gone on in the Grove in the last while into perspective. What they've been dealing with here is nothing compared to what's to come.

He filled out Mizuki's wish, back on the beach. And the only thing he'd wished for was hope.

And he's never felt more hopeless than right now.

Eventually, as the voices trail off, Wolfwood finally looks up. He looks rough, one of his hands still pressed to his head as he uses his other to pull his shades off, dropping them aside since they're only getting in his way right now. He doesn't get up though, looking over at the two of them balefully.]

I don't know what we're...supposed to fuckin' do. I don't...I don't want this to happen.

[Is what he finally ends on. He feels like a child, pleading for something they can't have. Maybe that's really all he's ever been. You can cry, and scream, and fight against your fate, but in the end you can't escape it.

And Wolfwood, ever the practical one, knows that.]

[They're both giving up, and Vash can't stomach it. His own resolve starts to crumble, at least until he shakes his head vigorously and then squares his shoulders. He pushes himself to his feet, turning this time to Livio. If they want to fall into the dirt, so be it. He'll hold them up and keep marching on.

He's always kept moving, always aiming for the horizon. It's what Vash the Stampede does.]

You never said you died. Do you remember that? Or did those threads take you, and then you woke up here? [He doesn't... really wait for an answer.] Because it sounds to me like there's still hope. And as long as there is, I'm not going to let go of it.
Maybe I don't have a choice but to live in a world where I've - killed millions. And maybe I don't get a choice but to live in a world without Nick. But I can at least make my choice about you, Livio. And that means that as long as you're still breathing there, I have a chance to save you. So I'll figure it out. No need to worry about my ideals or anything.

[The smile is still on his lips, but maybe Livio, close as he is, will see the way it trembles at the edges. He still has hope, but to call it feeble would be an overestimation. Nevertheless, if it's what the two men need, he'll cling to it.]

I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to run away. You both hear me?

[it's absolutely beyond livio how vash can hear all of that and insist he didn't die. maybe saying outright "i couldn't breathe for so long that my body went cold and all my senses failed, so i'm pretty sure i died" is a little too difficult at the moment.

... but it would be cruel to try ripping vash out of his happy place, now. this is how he copes. livio cries, nicholas rages, and vash pretends. he'll allow vash to live in the fantasy where he can fix everything, but he won't join him. livio already felt hopeless here in the grove. now, no man's land isn't any better.

the least he can do is acknowledge vash trying to be... responsible? if that's even the right word.]

... Thank you.

[he looks back to nick, hesitant... still not sure if wolfwood's anger is directed entirely at the situation, or partly at livio. he doesn't think he can take even an ounce of it. pathetic.]

I'm sorry... I wish I had anything to show for it...

[he blinks a few old tears away.]

Oh -- the kids. Miss Melanie... They all got outta December safe, 'cuz of you, Nick. I even met a few in Octovern... and Jas. She's -- all grown up 'n lookin' after 'em.

[like he said... he doesn't know the future of the planet, but at least up until livio took his last breath, those that mattered the most to wolfwood were safe.]

[Wolfwood isn't angry at Livio. How could he be? It's not like he threw himself face first into Legato's threads wanting to get himself killed. He knows even without context that Livio would have fought with every last ounce of his strength against that asshole, and then some. No, every iota of that rage is leveled right now at a person who isn't here that he can't actually rip apart, which makes the situation all the more agonizing to think about.

And it isn't just Livio. The idea that Legato somehow coerced Vash of all people to raise his gun lethally is an offense of the highest order, and he never realized just how much of one it would be until he's hearing it from Livio's lips. It's funny- if a bit sad- how much they're all assuming incorrectly of each other. Wolfwood has no room in his heart for "I told you so's" in regards to Vash's ideals. Not in this instance. He doesn't have all of the information, he obviously wasn't there because he was fucking dead, but he has no reason but to assume he had no other choice.

And it's unfair. It's just...so unfair.

He looks up when Livio addresses him, and...

...

The kids. Miss Melanie. They're safe. Wolfwood always knew that he would gladly throw his own life away if it meant that those kids made it, and they did. And that...actually, at least for a moment, acts as a balm over a festering burn. The knowledge that it wasn't all for nothing. Disregarding for a moment the turmoil the world is in at large, he didn't fail completely and utterly in his entire purpose for living. Hopeland, at least in the immediate moment, was safe.

The tears that had welled up in Wolfwood's eyes finally spill over too, but they're silent as he pushes himself up to his feet. He makes no more sound, no crying, no screams of rage. He's not sure if he's just reached an absolute peak of being overwhelmed and has plateaued, or if he's disassociating, or some combination of the two.

He's still leaning against the wall, looking between both Vash and Livio with those silent tears reflecting off his face, his hair a rumpled mess, his shades still on the floor.]

...m'sorry. To you both.

[Is how he chooses to begin. He doesn't even know what he's sorry for, other than literally everything.]

I.... [He starts with looking to Livio, first.] Liv. I ain't mad at you. Not at all. If Bluesummers were here, I'd rip his heart out. But I ain't so lucky on that one. Even...if I didn't make it in the end, you still saved the orphanage. And that means more to me than I will ever be able to repay. You...did everythin' you could, it sounds like. You fought harder than anyone on that damn planet, I'm sure of it.

[And then his gaze slides over to Vash. This will be the first time he's really spoken to him in weeks, and yet...

His expression twists, and he looks. Sorrowful. Angry, still, but the emotions there are something deeper than he's ever shown.]

Even after all this. After all this...you're still tryin'. You got hope where none of us can stomach it.

Vash, I'm. I'm sorry for the way I handled shit with you. For not tellin' you about JuLai. And I'm sorry that this is the barrel of the future you two are starin' down.

I'm sorry I ain't there to do it with you. I am.

[......]

I can't believe in my own hope for the future. Not anymore. ...but I can believe in yours.

[More tears fall. He's not sure he's blinked since he went over to the wall.]

Least. I can try.

[Vash has remained strong in the face of a terrible future, hurtling his way. He's remained strong because he had to, because he knows the others can't right now. They need him, and he'll do whatever he can to carry them. The fights don't matter, not really. He said he'd always love Wolfwood, and while Livio hasn't been afforded that same sentiment out loud, it's still true for him.

But somehow, the apology, the understanding, that threatens to break him. He knows he hasn't been the best at listening, and that it makes him a hypocrite in a lot of ways. Nevertheless, it means so much to know that he's finally been heard. It's not perfect, they still have a lot of their own work to do, but it's a step that he's desperately needed.]

You were trying to protect me. S'what you do best. All those kids can attest to that much.

[And you know what... since Wolfwood has opened up the opportunity to talk, Vash will return the favor.]

I know I haven't been fair either. Saying I couldn't trust you was probably a bridge too far. It's stuff we can talk about more later but... I know you're always looking out for me and everyone else that you love.

[With that out of the way, he makes his way over to Wolfwood. He doesn't immediately reach out, but he does sit on the ground beside him. One of his hands lays against the ground, palm up and ready to accept Wolfwood's, if he wants it.]

And... I don't know if you should give up on your hope just yet. We may not remember everything when we're pulled back, but maybe once everything is resolved, we'll.... I don't know, have a chance to go back with everything intact. Don't give up just yet, okay? Because I'm not giving up on you.

You don't got anything to apologize to me for, Nico.

[his voice is quiet, but firm. he means that. even if he looks away in shame at the next bit. yeah, he fought hard... but really, nicholas and vash were the ones who protected the kids so they could get away. get away from livio, and chapel, and razlo. livio can't even take credit for octovern, because regardless of what elendira said to those kids, he can't imagine she would have had any reason to go out of her way to hurt them. even among the gung-ho guns, there were few so monstrous as to want to hurt children for fun.

he watches again when vash goes over to nick. this almost seems like something that should be private between them, and he feels like an intruder. it's only complicated by the fact that he wants so badly to join them, and he doesn't even think to hide the longing on his face.]

[Yeah. They still need to talk. Maybe the door has been nudged open just a little bit, and certainly all of the revelations they've had today have thrust everything into a new light for each of them. But Wolfwood is content with not thinking too hard about what his future self is going to have to deal with, at least in this moment. It's already bad enough that his actual future self doesn't even have a year left to live probably, if his math is correct.

But it does mean something, to hear that Vash understands that all he's been doing this entire time is trying. He's had to force himself out of his comfort zone a lot to make it to where he is now, and even then he still feels like he's barely made any forward progress a lot of the time. Two steps forward and ten back, as they say. But some is better than none, and...damn it, it's something he selfishly wants to be recognized, even just a little bit.

The words of the Beast still buzz in his ears, especially these days when he's had far too much time to think. Reminding him of how he's failed, of how selfish he is to prioritize the few over the many. He'll never argue that it isn't. But...wouldn't any other rational human being do the same? Because that's all he is. A human. He can't shoulder the burden of the entire world. He just...

He isn't expecting Vash to come to him. He's still watching him a little warily like a stray cat, like he too is expecting some sort of comeuppance for his actions even though he knows Vash isn't at all that type. He sees his hand on the floor next to him, and...taking it, wholly, when they're still as they are, doesn't feel right.

But he will let his own hand sort of slide down his side, shifting until the backs of his knuckles brush up against Vash's. And if his little finger happens to catch on one of Vash's fingers, well.

With Vash here, he'll look to Livio as well, who tells him he has nothing to apologize for. He doesn't believe that's true, he has everything to apologize for actually, but he won't argue. He sees the way he's looking at them, like a sad puppy, and it makes him wish Livio had an easier time just...closing the gap. He knows the relationship triangle they have going on here is in different stages with each of them individually, but still.]

...s'long as I'm still alive, then.

[As long as he's alive. He won't give up.]

[Does it sting, when Wolfwood doesn't take his hand outright? Maybe. Vash isn't so optimistic, or perhaps so stupid, as to believe that this tragedy might have patched up every little wound between them. But he might have hoped they could suspend their hostility just long enough to share a moment.

A chill wells within his chest, and doubtless the disappointment shows on his face for just a brief second. Nevertheless, he swallows it down. The contact they do have will have to be enough. He tightens his pinky against Wolfwood's own. It's brief, he won't linger if that's what Wolfwood wants, but it's a silent promise nonetheless that he's still there. It was as Pure Vanilla had said — injured but not broken.

In any case, whether or not Vash is well and truly satisfied is unimportant for the time being. He can tell that Livio wants to be here with them, and he won't make the man wait any longer. He motions with his head for the man to join him, offering a half-smile that's far more genuine than any other grin he's managed today.]

C'mere. You look like you need a hug, big guy.

[The last thing he wants is for Livio to feel like he does right now.]

Edited 2024-07-06 16:06 (UTC)

[maybe he should wait for wolfwood's invitation as well, everything considered, but even just vash offering has him on his feet and shuffling over. livio doesn't sit so much as kneel in front of them, hands still gripping the hat in his lap like his life depends on it, head still hung low, cheeks still slick with fresh tears.

at the very least, he can avoid actually touching nick without permission. it isn't that he doesn't want to take vash up on his offer, it just... feels wrong not to include them both, even if they aren't entirely comfortable with that sort of intimacy at the moment. it hurts, wanting them both so badly, wanting to be comforted so badly, but having a veritable minefield of bruised feelings between them.

... it'll be fine if he doesn't get what he wants, after all he's done, though. now, more than ever, livio believes he doesn't deserve either of them.]

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04 ⸸⸸ july+ catch-all

the school, a few days into july - closed to vash and wolfwood.

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cw: overdose mention

cw: od mention cont.

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cw suffocation/strangulation

cw: disassociation mention im sorry the boys are NOT okay

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