sticksandbones | Forget everything and just enjoy it [OPEN]

Entry tags:

alien stage: till

Forget everything and just enjoy it [OPEN]

Who: Till and YOU!
What: Till returns from the garden after dying during last month's event
When: Start of November
Where: Various Places(tm)
Warnings: N/A, will edit if needed

[Till pays little mind to the ghosts currently haunting the Grove. A vision of his past self is nothing compared to that of the person he watched die. The facsimile of the person who would end up killing him.

He'd lost the scarf Mizuki gifted him in the scuffle. He remembers how Ivan ripped it off his neck, probably torn and bloodstained...it would be no use for him, now. It does mean that his neck is no longer covered, the brand not just out in the open, but visibly marred now thanks to the suspiciously human-like bite scars surrounding it. Just knowing they're there makes him want to tear at his throat, so he manages to find an older face-mask he'd used when he first got here to cover himself up. It'll do until he can find something else.

Part of him wonders if people noticed his absence. He knows some would, like Mephisto and Flamebringer who were well aware of what happened (the latter more than the former), but the rest...they wouldn't have known where he went. He could have just as easily been stolen back to the Segyein, a fate worse than death. Yet, he can't find it in him to reach out to let people know he's okay. He doesn't want to announce that sort of thing, it feels...weird.

He can't find his voice.

So, Till keeps to himself the first few days. He stays back at the house with Jibang, Mephisto, and Faust, and he allows himself time to recover mentally and physically. He hadn't lost a limb, and he's pretty sure he hadn't forgotten anything...ugh, his head is swimming with too many thoughts. He decides to relieve some of the anxiety by picking up his guitar to play. Not to sing...just to play.

...it's then that he learns he cannot. He can't remember the notes. He can't recall where his fingers should sit on the frets. Even when he tries to force himself to play something, it comes out awful and out of tune, like he's never held an instrument in his entire life.

The revelation is akin to having a cold bucket of water dumped over his head. He shouldn't...care this much about something he was bred to know how to do by the aliens who kept him, but being able to play, to write music was the one thing Till felt like he really had. This was his. It COULDN'T be taken away.

And now it's gone.

...he stays home for a while longer, not sure what to do. Maybe the house residents will notice how strange it is. How silent Till's room is, until he eventually has to leave and get outside, to not be there. He ignores everything else and everyone who might be there, instead making his way to the Inn building. He manages to scramble up to the rooftop somehow without eating shit and falling off, and there he sits with his arms wrapped around his legs.

He'll be up there for a while.]

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[ The second set of footsteps on the roof are quiet, probably telling on its own of the owner. Faust settles beside him without a word, merely draping a blanket across his shoulders.

Of course he's noticed something's off since Till came back. He may not have the same experience Mephisto has, but he's not stupid. He's heard death here comes with consequences. ]

... You don't have to speak, but I'm not leaving you alone up here.

[Caring about people really fucking sucks.

Flamebringer doesn't immediately approach when he sees Till out and about. Partly because he's not sure what to say — he knows, for as much as he'd like to deny it, that Till will be extremely cross if Flamebringer blames himself for this or is too sympathetic in that way he tends to mask with curt words and brazen swordplay. He does know, however, that Till hates when his scars are showing, whether the brand still remains underneath them or not. He remembers the scarf he used to wear, one that Flamebringer neglected to pick up, and even if he had it would've been ruined beyond repair. Fragments of battle are better left in the past anyhow.

It's better to move forward.

So, Till will go a couple days without seeing much of Flamebringer, until he approaches late one afternoon as the sun is setting and hands Till a new scarf.]

From the tailor shop. ...since your old one got wrecked.

[It's so quintessentially Flamebringer to give a man a flower scarf.]

It's gonna snow soon, so you're gonna need to stay warm.

[The blanket is...surprising. Till finds his shoulders stiffen a little when he feels it, mostly because he wasn't expecting anyone to come up here...even if he knows without looking who it is.

...he also finds himself relenting, taking the edge of it and pulling it a little more around himself. It would be nice to just not say anything, but that's a lot more awkward than the alternative, he feels.]

Wasn't like I thought I was gonna make it outta that shit alive. Just thought it maybe wouldn't suck so much.

[Flamebringer.

Till hasn't intentionally been avoiding him, but he also hasn't been seeking him out specifically. Hasn't sought anyone out, preferring to brood alone as he deals with...everything. He knew he wanted to speak to Flamebringer at some point, but how do you even begin to broach something like that? It's likely not a conversation either of them want to have, and it shows in the way they miss each other for a few days.

Well. At least until now.

He takes the scarf quietly, a little surprised by the gesture. It's clearly handmade, and the flowers are...very much a Flamebringer staple. And despite how Till can be, with his false bravado and intense attempts to seem like a Man to hide his own insecurities, he doesn't really waste much time removing the mask so he can wrap the scarf securely around his neck a few times instead, covering up the scars left behind when he does so.]

...thanks, Flamebringer. This...means a lot.

Death always sucks in my experience.

[ not even getting into just how painful his ended up being for everyone involved. ]

... I said I would protect you, so I feel responsible for this. I'm sorry.

[ He couldn't leave Mephisto, though. He would never, and that fact was obvious enough that his hands were kind of tied. It doesn't make him feel like it's less his fault. ]

... why did you run off?

...don't mention it.

[He says quietly, reaching idly for the box of cigarettes in his coat pocket. He fidgets for a moment, his fingers visibly moving around inside the pocket, curling around the box, but...

After a second, he just huffs and pulls Till into a hug with the opposite arm, plopping his chin down on top of the shorter man's head.]

Sorry I failed you. It won't happen again.

Steph doesn't hang out on the inn's roof much since moving to the Clocktower, but there probably isn't anyone in town more aware of the rooftops than she is. So of course she spots him there, and quickly crosses the distance before climbing the side of the building.

"Till?" She hasn't seen him in a long while, and frankly, she's been afraid to ask. How many people did she fail to protect?

[You know who else likes to be emo and brood on the roof? Genya. It's much quieter up here, after all, while also providing a sufficient vantage point to keep an eye out for threats. Old habits died hard, after all.

When he hears steps, his first instinct is to complain. His mouth opens around a tirade, then snaps shut when he spots Till.

For a second, at least. Then he's on his feet.]

You - [There's no hostility in his voice. In fact, Genya actually looks almost... relieved?] You're okay?

[When he hadn't seen Till on the mountain, when even after they returned and he still had not shown his dumb mug, Genya had started to worry. It seems those worries had been unfounded in the end, though.

Right...?]

You're okay. I - Haven't seen you around since we got separated so -

[He trails off. Something doesn't seem quite right.]

It's not your fault. [Till is quick to say, even though his voice is still quite low. Quiet.] S'not...anyone's fault

[But mine.

He knows Flamebringer feels the same way Faust does. He was there when he died, after all, just inches away from being able to save him.]

I couldn't just sit around in one place. I kept seeing him...out of the corner of my eye. Following me, watching me.

I had to...get away from it.

...m'sorry.

[Oh.

The hug...is completely unexpected, but not exactly unwanted. Till's breath hitches a bit painfully in the back of his throat as he's pulled in, but he doesn't fight it. In fact, he finds himself relaxing in Flamebringer's hold, his eyes literally aching from holding in tears of anger and grief at what he'd lost ever since he'd woken up. He still can't bring himself to cry, but...he very much leans against Flamebringer now, practically falling forward against him.]

S'not your fault. [...] But it's okay.

[Because he knows Flamebringer won't accept an "it's not your fault". He FEELS responsible for being there and being unable to save him, so...that means as much as how Till feels, feeling like it's his own fault for dragging his own wraith around for so long making it everyone's problem (intentionally or not).]

It's been a while for Till too, considering. The fact he's up here right now at all is probably...quite telling of his mental state, currently. He could go anywhere else right now to be alone, yet he chose this particular roof...

He doesn't look over when Stephanie approaches, but he does react to her voice by tightening the grip of his arms around his knees a little.

"...hey."

[Till isn't expecting to see Genya up here. In fact, he's the last person he was expecting to see, having encountered him when they first arrived in Roseroot, only to separate as he'd said...and things had only really gone downhill for Till from that point onward.

Part of him wonders if maybe he should have just stuck with Genya. Maybe Genya could have killed "Ivan" long before he caused any damage, but he knows it probably was never going to be that easy.

He's quiet as he settles, unable to meet the others' gaze because...he's just not sure how to start, or what to even say at first.

Eventually, he opts for the blunt, "ripped bandaid" approach.]

Yeah. 'Cause I died.

[So. Him being "okay" is pretty subjective.]

You -

[Genya's face falls. Considering everything that happened in that shithole, he expected things weren't pleasant. But for Till to have outright died? Guilt surges through him. Capable of throwing a punch or no, that didn't mean he was capable of handling the monsters in that place. Even if Till had suggested heading out on their own, Genya could have insisted. He was the capable one, after all.

Idiot, idiot, idiot. And now he's being even more of an idiot by staring at Till and gaping like a fish? Pathetic.]

... Shit. That... really sucks.

[Somehow he manages to make it even worse? Absolutely fucking incredible.]

B-but you're back? This place brings people back. It did it with bug-eyes, and it did it with you. So everything's... fine, yeah?

...I'm gonna teach you how to hold your own in combat.

[He has not let go, by the way! He's squishing Till up against him and he will not take no for an answer. Normally this is the point where you'd say "enjoy the titties" but uhhh... there isn't enjoyment here, there's only sadness.]

Sword fight, fistfight, whatever.

[And then if Till dies again, maybe Flamebringer can be mad that Till was "weak" or whatever.]

[ There's no point now in saying what Till could have done better. No point in what ifs when the situation had passed already. It's no less frustrating, but pressing would probably just sting, so he moves past it. ]

It's fine. I get it. Fear makes people do... irrational things sometimes. I've seen it a lot on the battlefield.

... Why does he scare you so much?

[ Apart from being a dead friend(?) It didn't seem all that scary. It feels like he represents more than what Faust can tell at surface level. ]

[If only it were that simple. That easy. That you could just die, then be resurrected and everything would be fine.

But that's not how it works. Till has always known this from what the others have told him, and he's tried to be careful because of it. But how careful can you be, exactly, when you're being stalked by a cruel clone of your past? No matter how he feels about Ivan, or the way their last moments together were...he knows that he wasn't like that.

He couldn't have been.

Till looks at Genya briefly out of the corner of his eye before his gaze shifts away again, shoulders hunched.]

When you die here, somethin' gets taken away from you. Might lose a limb, or a memory. But you always lose somethin'.

[He wishes he could enjoy the titties :( That would be preferrable to the sadness, lbr.

Till has very little confidence he'd be able to learn any of that. He's just a scrawny human in comparison to people here who run the gamut of being a power nonhuman to nearly being a god, if Suri weren't nerfing them of course. That's why he ends up exhaling on a broken sounding little laugh, muffled against the edge of Flamebringer's shirt.]

Y-yeah...? What if I wanted t'learn how to use a gun?

...it's a really long story.

[One that he, honestly, hasn't told very many people. He hates talking about the stage, because he hates having to relive it. Others have seen it against his will (thanks for the memory sharing Suri he hates you too), but other than that...

He rests his chin on his knees, his brows furrowing.]

When he died, it was a situation where one of us was going to, no matter what. There was no way around it.

And I wanted it to be me.

[...]

But he made sure it wasn't.

... I see. I suppose we have more in common than just looks then.

[ Vague as hell thing to say. ]

I died ensuring Mephisto had a safe escape from a battle we were in. The situation kept deteriorating, and it was the only way I could see that didn't involve unnecessary sacrifice.

[ But sacrificing himself... was probably more than Mephisto could bear. It didn't feel like there was another option, though. ]

I'm sorry you were in that position, though. It's not easy to deal with.

[Whether Till is looking at him or not doesn't change the fact that horror dawns on his face. It's better, maybe, in that Till is still alive. And a quick visual scan tells him that he hasn't lost any limbs. But if memories are on the table? That makes Genya's stomach bottom out. There are so many important things, things he simply cannot ever forget, that makes this situation feel so unfathomable.

He takes a step back, panic rising in his own throat. Seeing Till's hunched over form, however, draws him back into the moment, and out of his own selfish thoughts. He regains his ground, then advances so that he's standing beside Till instead.]

You still seem like you. That's... that's something, right? [But it's a halfhearted reassurance, and they both probably know it. Genya crouches down beside him.] Can I ask what it was?

She hesitates for a moment, then sits down next to him. If he wanted her to leave he'd say so, right?

"Hey."

She's not really sure what to say next. 'Talk about a crazy couple of months'? 'I can't remember the last time I slept more than 5 hours'?

"...I really hope this new pattern of events is just temporary."

[While, logically, Till understands why someone would do this...the other side of him doesn't. How could you just...basically abandon someone else for the sake of keeping them alive? Saddling them with unavoidable survivor's guilt from that point on?

Is that not crueler than a swift, easy death? At least...Till is relatively sure the Segyein would have at least made it quick. He's never seen someone die very slowly, up on the stage.]

...and you considered sacrificing yourself not unnecessary?

[He didn't lose a memory, no. Even though there are many Till would love to erase from his mind. No limbs, either...

He lost something arguably more special to him.]

I can't play music anymore.

[He answers simply, his voice empty as he says it.]

I could...play almost any instrument you put in my hands. ...I wrote music.

It was one of the few things I was actually good at.

Till doesn't even have it in him to laugh sarcastically. He kindof wishes he did.

"That'd be wishful thinking. Guess it can't stay too bad forever...otherwise we'd just get used to it."

Someone had to be the distraction, and I wasn't sending one of my men out to their death. I was the only one who wouldn't get torn to shreds by Mephisto's herd.

[ Mephisto was desperate, he can hardly blame him for being scared in a situation where they were otherwise certain to die, but he couldn't condone Mephisto cannibalizing their men for fodder. It wasn't working anyway. ]

I promised him a long time ago that I would protect him no matter what. And I did.

[ There was more to it. He didn't feel like explaining the details of him infecting himself to live and die alongside Mephisto, or the whole affair with Mephisto's descent into paranoia and cruelty borne from not being able to trust anyone.

He blames himself for all of it, but he could never ever hate Eno. He loved him too much, and he could still see the sweet, kind person inside him even if he was warped to everyone else.

Perhaps it was selfish on a couple different levels, but... ]

I couldn't let Mephisto die.

Music?

[If Genya sounds baffled, it isn't because he doesn't understand its importance. Rather, it's hard to fathom how the idea of knowing a skill could be taken away. It's a magic a hell of a lot more power than any blood demon art, he knows that at least.]

What the fuck, man!

[He isn't sure why he feels such anger rising. It wasn't like he and Till were on the greatest of terms. But even if he wanted to punch the guy before, it wasn't like he wanted to take away something so important. And it is important, he can tell by the way Till holds himself now.]

You can - you teach yourself again, right? There's no rules against that? Maybe I can find some books in the library to help you, or -

I can't help you with that one. Ezell probably could.

[Holding his Till... squishing his Till...]

I'm blind in one eye, you don't want me aiming with one of those things anyway.

[It's probably not something Till should know anyway, not without Mephisto telling him first. Some things are better left vague, and he understands that.

The only reason Till is fine telling his own story is because...well, it's his. That, and the other person involved is no longer alive to tell it himself.

His brows furrow as he looks down at his own hands, and he says nothing for what feels like a long while.]

I guess I can understand that. Even knowing how it would have made him feel.

[They may not necessarily be close, but the passion in Genya's voice is as surprising as it makes Till feel...validated, in a weird way.]

...I don't really know. I haven't had it in me to try.

[At least, not yet.]

And I haven't found anybody who's gone through something similar who could tell me.

[Though to be honest, Till hasn't asked. He just feels too shitty about it. Ashamed.]

Maybe...might be pretty funny to watch though.

[He says it lowly, the lilt of humor in his voice just barely there.]

...I don't. Wanna go through that again.

[Dying, as it turns out, really fucking sucks!!!]

Maybe - Maybe there's -

[He tries to sift through his own thoughts, any solution he can come up with, but finds there aren't any options. He's still so new, and he's done such a good job avoiding people, that he has no idea where he can even point Till toward.]

There has to be someone. I can try looking around!

[Genya isn't the best at talking to people. But he does know people. White Lily and Shadow Milk might have an idea. He'd even suffer through being pleasant for the latter if it meant actually helping.]

We'll figure out a way to fix it.

...yeah. I can't imagine why.

[Till gets squeezed tighter, with Flamebringer not letting go and clearly not intending to, despite the way he'd reached for the cigarettes earlier.]

Guess I just have to shove you on my list of people to protect and... keep trying to keep you out of harm's way.

[This is the point when Till finally lets his gaze shift over, looking at Genya directly. He doesn't move, or turn his head, but he'll feel his eyes watching him...trying to discern what he's thinking.]

...you want to help me?

[Till wants to protest that, to tell Flamebringer he doesn't need to be saddled with the burden of watching over him...babysitting him. He's a 21 year old man, for God's sake.

But he just...doesn't have it in him. He's completely deflated. He is wet and sad.]

You'll be lucky if I ever leave the house again, so. Prolly won't be hard.

Well... Yeah. It's bullshit, what happened to you. And my job is takin' out the shitheads that make that happen.

[He's not exactly the best at it, in his eyes. But if he has a reason to be, whether it be trying to speak to his brother or help a guy out, why wouldn't he? Sure, he'd punched Till, but that was basically how he said hello. And given the way he took it like a champ, Genya can't help but think of him as a friend now.

You know. As you do.]

Steph doesn't have the energy to laugh either, but she tries it anyway. It comes out as a huff.

"That's my kind of optimism, there."

She should offer something real, something helpful. She's not sure what that would be.

[Till...honestly doesn't know how to take that. But, in a weird way, it reminds him a lot of how Ivan kindof just. Kept sticking around, despite the fact Till would get into literal fist-fights with him all the time over mostly innocuous things.

Funny, how that works.

But it would be a pretty shitty thing to do, to say this and then not actually mean it, right? Not that people aren't capable of shitty things, but...Till wants to hope that humans- for the most part- wouldn't do that.

Not here. Not with what they already have to be dealing with.]

Yeah, but...it was my fault it happened. I was the one who let myself get killed out there.

"Yeah..."

Till's shoulders hunch, each breath exhaled shakily through his teeth.

"Def not how I'm feeling right now."

[Genya can be a shithead, certainly. But after a fair bit of time spent with the most patient man on the planet, he's simmered down enough to no longer be shitty. There's a difference between the two in his mind, after all.

So yes, Genya absolutely means every word that he says.]

What do yo mean, your fault? Did you just lay down and die about it? Or did you get caught in a situation too big for you?

[There's no judgement in Genya's voice, only a desire to understand what the hell Till is saying before he starts spouting out more self-help crap. Buddha, if only Himejima could see him now.]

I...

[...]

I kept trying to run, but he kept showing up. Everywhere. Always out of the corner of my eye, following me somewhere. I just...I got tired of running, and tried to face it head on.

[And well, we all know how well that turned out.]

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Forget everything and just enjoy it [OPEN]

More bonding oops.

:)

Yay!!! \o/

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Rooftop funtimes!

On da WOOFS

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YAAAY

da woof :)

Bork bork :V

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cw: suicidal ideation

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