[Genya is quick to grimace. His mouth opens, an apology quickly forming, but it dies on his lips the second Lodi starts to speak. Clearly he hasn't taken it too much to heart.
Thank god he clarifies that it wasn't a literal drilling. At this point, Genya would have believed it.]
I get that much. With my work, you start to feel bad when you even have to take the time to heal. It means there's less slayers out there to keep people safe. [The thought alone makes his stomach twist.] You're a good guy, huh?
[ As much as he doesn't want to acknowledge it, Genya does understand Lodi's stance to a certain degree. It was a soldier's mentality. The sacrifice of the self for the greater good. He had learned these things at an age similar to Genya's, assuredly, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting to see it reflected in one so young.
Lodi heaves a sigh. Leans his head back. ]
Between you and me, I'd –. [ He huffs out a laugh. ]
I'd hesitate to call myself good. Maybe that calling just comes easier to me. Not sure it necessarily defines my character. But it was how I got to this point with – everything, really. When I was brought to the point that you saw, it meant acknowledging the end of everything I had never known and knowing for a fact that I could never go back. My life as I'd known it was kaput. But the people in that new time, they – didn't need me, but they needed what I was brought there to do. And... if I didn't do it, it meant that some other poor sap would get plucked up to do it instead, and that just...
[ He shakes his head. ] Couldn't stomach it. So. Here we are.
[If not me, then someone else. If they weren't where they needed to be, someone else would suffer. Genya understands that more than he cares to admit. Maybe it doesn't make them good people. Maybe they're just people, period.]
I get it. If it weren't me out there, someone else might get hurt. And that someone might lose someone important to them too.
[ God, he really, really wish Genya didn't get it. It's hypocritical to sit here and think this is a good kid after he'd just protested otherwise about himself, but... there was a difference to what Genya was speaking of and what Lodi had done. He knows this for a fact.
Lodi smiles. It is genuine, but it doesn't reach his eyes. ]
Yeah. Just... don't let it be the only thing motivating you, okay? I mean, you've got a whole life ahead of you. Especially here.
[You have a whole life ahead of you. Genya finds himself flinching, his stomach bottoming out. He had, at best, a handful of hours left back home. While Lodi may be right that this place was different, it was a hell of its own making.
None of it felt worth being optimistic over.]
R-right. Sure. [He's almost certain he's pale. If the shift in mood wasn't obvious, then surely the way Genya tugs away would be.] I should - get going.
[ Alright, so he'd said something wrong. That much was blatantly obvious. He'd said something that was so abhorrently wrong, as a matter of fact, that he'd made Genya flinch and go pale.
And he could let him go without a fuss, sure. But he knows that look, or at least an approximation of it, and if Lodi didn't even try to dispel it he has a feeling Genya would be grappling with it for the foreseeable future. ]
Hey. [ It takes hardly any effort to shift his tone into something gentler. ] I'd really appreciate it if you stuck around for just a minute or two. At the very least, get your knocks in for me saying something that was obviously boneheaded.
It wasn't - [He trails off. Despite his general irritability toward strangers, Lodi had managed to worm himself into something more than that. Genya liked him, the idea of lying made him feel guilty. Given the circumstances, maybe it was a boneheaded thing to say, but it wasn't like Lodi was supposed to know better.] You had no way of knowing.
[Really, the idea of talking about this with anybody is nauseating. But considering Genya's own inadvertent spying,t he least he can do is share a little in kind.]
's'just. I don't... have a life ahead of me, y'know. [He glances down at the ground, socked feet toeing at the dirt.] I don't make it out of where I'm goin'.
[ God, and if that isn't a punch in the gut. And of course he'd opened his fool mouth and said something that was objectively untrue, to a teenager who knew the date of their own death. The urge to stick his head in a hole and stay there for the next business day is becoming increasingly tempting.
His personal anguish shouldn't even factor, actually. Lodi finds himself abruptly, bristlingly upset at how unfair of a concept that is. But he'd known how cruel the world could be for a long time, now. He heaves a sigh. ]
... I'm sorry. I really did say something I shouldn't have. That's –.
[ He pauses. ]
Listen. You don't have to take anything I say to heart if you really don't want to. Lord knows I was sick and tired of people getting up on soapboxes trying to make me feel better at circumstances that were outside of my control, especially when I was younger. But when I learned what I know now – God, it really sucks to feel like you're walking around like a ghost, twisted up with knowledge that it feels like you shouldn't have. When you're constantly waiting for that other shoe to drop. So I can't pretend like I know exactly what you're going through, or the exact shape of the burden you bear, but... I just can't see this, here and now, as a strictly bad thing, because –. I like to think we've established a rapport, and it evidently wouldn't have been possible without us being here.
[ He smiles sheepishly with one corner of his mouth. ]
Not that I'll be offended if you don't feel the same. I know how I'd feel if I was your age and talking about this all with a, uh, old man. All I'm saying is that I feel like this is all worth something. Even with all the shit we've been put through.
[Under normal circumstances, Genya would probably have bristled at any of these attempts. Really, the fact that Lodi doesn't get a fist to the face for even trying says quite a bit. Himejima was the only adult that had ever managed to bring Genya to heel, and it was anyone's guess as to how he pulled that off.
Still, there's something to the way Lodi speaks, and how he frames his words. Or maybe there's something to be said about the horrors that Genya had once witnessed. At the very least, he knows that when Lodi says he understands the younger man, Genya actually believes him in a way he normally would not.
By the time Lodi finishes, Genya isn't quite smiling, but a ghost of amusement passes over his face all the same.]
I mean. You said it, not me. You sound like a real geezer, talkin' like that.
[And yet Genya is still there, and the weight on his chest seems to have been lifted ever so incrementally.]
[ He really wouldn't have blamed Genya for punching him in the face, to be completely and utterly honest! He had felt like he was overstepping throughout the whole spiel. If the only kickback he ultimately gets is being called a geezer, he will take it! ]
You know what, I'll take it. Worse things to be called than a geezer. Since you called me one, though, it means I get to say this –.
[ Lodi beams. ] You're a good kid. And I do mean that.
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Thank god he clarifies that it wasn't a literal drilling. At this point, Genya would have believed it.]
I get that much. With my work, you start to feel bad when you even have to take the time to heal. It means there's less slayers out there to keep people safe. [The thought alone makes his stomach twist.] You're a good guy, huh?
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Lodi heaves a sigh. Leans his head back. ]
Between you and me, I'd –. [ He huffs out a laugh. ]
I'd hesitate to call myself good. Maybe that calling just comes easier to me. Not sure it necessarily defines my character. But it was how I got to this point with – everything, really. When I was brought to the point that you saw, it meant acknowledging the end of everything I had never known and knowing for a fact that I could never go back. My life as I'd known it was kaput. But the people in that new time, they – didn't need me, but they needed what I was brought there to do. And... if I didn't do it, it meant that some other poor sap would get plucked up to do it instead, and that just...
[ He shakes his head. ] Couldn't stomach it. So. Here we are.
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I get it. If it weren't me out there, someone else might get hurt. And that someone might lose someone important to them too.
Gotta stop the cycle somehow, right?
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Lodi smiles. It is genuine, but it doesn't reach his eyes. ]
Yeah. Just... don't let it be the only thing motivating you, okay? I mean, you've got a whole life ahead of you. Especially here.
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None of it felt worth being optimistic over.]
R-right. Sure. [He's almost certain he's pale. If the shift in mood wasn't obvious, then surely the way Genya tugs away would be.] I should - get going.
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And he could let him go without a fuss, sure. But he knows that look, or at least an approximation of it, and if Lodi didn't even try to dispel it he has a feeling Genya would be grappling with it for the foreseeable future. ]
Hey. [ It takes hardly any effort to shift his tone into something gentler. ] I'd really appreciate it if you stuck around for just a minute or two. At the very least, get your knocks in for me saying something that was obviously boneheaded.
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[Really, the idea of talking about this with anybody is nauseating. But considering Genya's own inadvertent spying,t he least he can do is share a little in kind.]
's'just. I don't... have a life ahead of me, y'know. [He glances down at the ground, socked feet toeing at the dirt.] I don't make it out of where I'm goin'.
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His personal anguish shouldn't even factor, actually. Lodi finds himself abruptly, bristlingly upset at how unfair of a concept that is. But he'd known how cruel the world could be for a long time, now. He heaves a sigh. ]
... I'm sorry. I really did say something I shouldn't have. That's –.
[ He pauses. ]
Listen. You don't have to take anything I say to heart if you really don't want to. Lord knows I was sick and tired of people getting up on soapboxes trying to make me feel better at circumstances that were outside of my control, especially when I was younger. But when I learned what I know now – God, it really sucks to feel like you're walking around like a ghost, twisted up with knowledge that it feels like you shouldn't have. When you're constantly waiting for that other shoe to drop. So I can't pretend like I know exactly what you're going through, or the exact shape of the burden you bear, but... I just can't see this, here and now, as a strictly bad thing, because –. I like to think we've established a rapport, and it evidently wouldn't have been possible without us being here.
[ He smiles sheepishly with one corner of his mouth. ]
Not that I'll be offended if you don't feel the same. I know how I'd feel if I was your age and talking about this all with a, uh, old man. All I'm saying is that I feel like this is all worth something. Even with all the shit we've been put through.
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Still, there's something to the way Lodi speaks, and how he frames his words. Or maybe there's something to be said about the horrors that Genya had once witnessed. At the very least, he knows that when Lodi says he understands the younger man, Genya actually believes him in a way he normally would not.
By the time Lodi finishes, Genya isn't quite smiling, but a ghost of amusement passes over his face all the same.]
I mean. You said it, not me. You sound like a real geezer, talkin' like that.
[And yet Genya is still there, and the weight on his chest seems to have been lifted ever so incrementally.]
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You know what, I'll take it. Worse things to be called than a geezer. Since you called me one, though, it means I get to say this –.
[ Lodi beams. ] You're a good kid. And I do mean that.
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Yeah, yeah. Just don't go repeatin' that, alright? I have a reputation to uphold, you know!
[He absolutely does not. Everyone knows he's soft. He only has one "enemy" in this place, and even that isn't true.]