sticksandbones | The Post Death Aftermath

[ There it is. The understanding. Affogato killed him. Affogato went after Pure Vanilla to torment him by hurting his family. All because of his obedience to Suri. And more than a little of his desire to take what the other has. As the Seaborne crawls down to his shoulder, he doesn't try to stop it.

Maybe now Mizuki will understand. Affogato is not a good person.

And then the baby is chirping against him and Mizuki's reaching into his bag to pull out that device he sees him on sometimes. He frowns to words, the look almost a scowl. ]

It does not matter if I'm all right. It doesn't matter if I was hurting. I hurt others. I hurt you. And it was only because I was selfish that I ended your pain. Do you understand? I'm evil. I'm wicked, and cruel, and a poison that will simply harm you again.

[ That would probably be a lot more convincing if his eyes weren't watering. ]

[ There's so much to unpack there. Affogato is self-destructing right in front of him, and he can see that much. Pushing him away... to what ends? So he doesn't get hurt again? Because he thinks Mizuki's going to be angry, and this is the easiest option? He isn't sure. He supposes the answer doesn't matter, though, because Mizuki's response isn't going to change, anyway.

He considers what to say for a moment. He could point out that he doesn't think any of that, or that someone evil wouldn't regret doing anything like that or... point out the things he knows about Affogato. He could even point out that Pure Vanilla himself may even forgive him. Mizuki looks at his phone for a moment, considering what to say, before he sets it aside completely so he can shift himself, and soon he's just plopped himself fully into Affogato's lap.

Once there, he'll grab his phone again and tap against the screen to show him: ] You matter to me.

[ Ah. How much Mizuki knows him already. It hasn't been that long and Mizuki already understands Affogatos defense mechanisms. Push away. Hate him, so it's easier to hate in return. He makes a noise when Mizuki just helps himself to his lap again, sighing a little and shifting his legs so Mizuki can sit comfortably. ]

Brat.

[ Then he watches him tap out the words. Silence for a moment, before he not so much gives up, as gives in. Wraps his arms around Mizuki to haul him in tightly. ]

I know, and you matter to me as well. And it scares me.

[ There, he said it out loud, and yes he may be pouting a bit, as he takes Mizuki's hands to make him put the device down, so he can fold their fingers together. His thumbs rub over Mizuki's knuckles. ]

... I truly did not mean to harm you. Nor get you killed. I did not know if the pain would be eternal, or having lingering after effects. I will be confessing to the others shortly, and give myself up to their punishments and words.

[ Mizuki would be lying if he said there wasn't some upset about learning this, or that he didn't feel some hurt still, or that he was frustrated with the end results. That feeling of pain, followed by that feeling of aloneness that he hasn't felt in over a decade, was simply the worst. But it's less that he doesn't feel those things and more that he's entirely focused on other things instead. Like, for example, Affogato is being very open and regretful about things. He's even talking about making amends? He's talking about bettering himself and is that not the exact thing Mizuki wants for everyone here?

He pouts a bit himself when the phone is taken, as it's really the only thing he has to communicate at the moment, but... fine. He'll just have to make due with affection and touches the best he can to get his point across. Which... it seems like Affogato's got a similar idea. Even after all of that, he's still being so sweet with Mizuki. Even just the way he holds Mizuki's hand is just so... soft. It's such an affectionate and gentle gesture that Mizuki can't bring himself to think Affogato truly wants to do terrible and awful things just for the hell of it. And he wants to comfort Affogato the best he can. He promised to be his, after all, so he can't exactly go doing reckless things anymore.

He thinks, then, this once he's not gonna be wary about giving Affogato "too much" affection. He thinks maybe this once, he's allowed that much? He turns his head and nestles his face into Affogato's shoulder, coiling a few more tendrils around him to keep the both of them close. He thinks he should confess, too, but he knows that's going to be emotionally taxing on everyone. The pain he feels now is still so fresh. He thinks, then, the both of them could just... stay here, just for a bit? Just until the dust has settled, so to speak.

He just got you back, after all, Affogato. He doesn't want to lose you again. ]

[ The way Mizuki curls into him, the tendrils that hold on, break something apart in him. Mizuki had been slowly taking chunks out of his resolve now since they met, small bits chipped away just from his care and affection, and then bigger chunks ripped off. Pieces of his mask, his shield, his defiance that he doesn't need or want anyone.

His lie that all he wants is power and control.

He exhales hard and shakes his head, but holds Mizuki to him, his hands clenched around the ones in them. ]

I'll never understand you.

[ He raises Mizuki's hand to press kisses into the palms, then simply rests his face in them. It hasn't been that long but the ache of Mizuki's absence was felt. Plus the raw, sheer pain and panic of biting him. Ugh. Why does he have such a hold on him, it's ridiculous, maddening. From the safety of Mizuki's hands, he speaks. ]

And sometimes I hate you. You've taken my life and turned it around. Everything I constructed, you've torn down. What's worse is you're not even aware you're doing it, you're just being you.

[ All his control over himself. All of his Power over his own ideals and wants and demands. That which he prided himself in the most. ]

[ Mizuki doesn't expect people to understand him. Realistically, he has a hard time understanding others, too. He wants to get better. He wants to know how people work. He wants to be better. He wants to be able to do the things that other people do without having to doubt himself or ask what's "right" or "wrong". He wants to understand that things aren't black and white. He wants to learn the in-betweens. He wants to learn about the things that don't make sense to him.

But most of all, he just wants people to be happy. He's translated this to just being useful, and doing "good" based on what his commander tells him. That will make people happy, right? That'll fix things? That'll make the world better and spread the good?

Questions he thinks he knows the answer to, but the moment Affogato's lips are against his palm, he isn't sure anymore. He'll feel the flinch of Mizuki's hand in surprise, but inevitably just melts into Affogato. The gestures are simple enough. It isn't like he hasn't gotten kisses from Affogato before. But this is different? It feels a little less 'just friendly' against his palms like that. And then resting his head against his hands, too? Oh, the affection is far too sweet, he doesn't think he can handle it.

...

Especially when it's paired with a very clear "I hate you". Talk about mixed messages. Mizuki looks incredibly guilty, sinking just a little as he does his best to figure out how he's supposed to ask "How do I fix myself?" "How do I make myself better?" "What can I do to change that?" "But I love you." Hm. He shivers just a bit, a little overwhelmed from both his guilt of not being good enough and the rising fluster and adoration from everything else. There's a moment - a brief one - where Mizuki opens his mouth and lets teeth graze against Affogato. But not enough to hurt, and it lasts only a second before Mizuki can calm himself and just nuzzle his head into his commander instead.

An apology. A poor one.

Mizuki lets out a very frustrated huff. ]

[ The way the teeth graze against his skin tells him a lot more than Mizuki will realize. Words aren't needed. And the frustrated huff, which makes Affogato laugh against the palms against his face, hot and airy. ]

I know.

[ I love you. I hate you. You drive me insane, both good and bad. I want you away from me, I never want to part.

It frustrates Affogato too because he's never felt like this before. Well. No. Not true. With Cacao. Equal parts hatred and desire. But Mizuki's is... softer. More frustrating, for infuriating, more sweet. ]

I hate you for being so good to me, when I feel I don't deserve it. I hate you for loving me and desiring me the way I am, when I can't stand myself. But-

[ He exhales hard and digs his teeth into the heel of Mizuki's palm, leaving a light bite mark there, then kisses it in apology. ]

I love you. I love you tear apart my defenses and break me open. I don't understand it anymore than you do. What should I do with you, My Mizuki...

[ What should he do with himself. Tell him. ]

[ Love. Hate? Love. Hate... Mizuki can't say he understands. He doesn't hate Affogato, not even a little bit. Even if he caused Mizuki's death, he can't find it in himself to hate him. There's... no one, really, that can evoke a hatred in Mizuki. He loves Affogato in the way one wants to hold someone forever. In the way he wants to see them smile and laugh, and be there for them when they're sad, and tell them they'll get through it together. In the way that his stupid shoujo anime has cherry blossoms at the romantic parts. In the way he wants to sink his teeth in and not let go.

There is no hatred. Just a possessive, vile sort of love that makes him want to be a wound on Affogato that never heals and infects his system the longer it stays.

Yet, he is still a hopeless romantic at heart, and for now, he caters to this blossoming adoration for Affogato like any young love would. And he wants to tell Affogato, too. He feels bad that he lost his voice before he could let him know. He doesn't want to reach for his phone, either. Both because his hands are occupied and because seeing it spelled out on a screen felt... like it wasn't enough. Not when he's right here. So, instead, he reveals all his tentacles, behind him a mindless cacophony of inky black and speckled stars. Staring at it too long will give you a migraine, sorry, Affogato, but he wants to express himself. So all the tips curl into little hearts, and the few that stayed wrapped around him shift themselves so instead of just being twisted around him, they twist around both of them, keeping them together like glue.

He takes in a breath, and does his very, very best, with no voice, to wheeze out a very, very broken: ] Hh...ou...s. [ ...He shakes his head and just gently bumps his head against Affogato's. Yours. Yours. Yours, yours, yours.

There's so so much he wants to say. It's taking all he has to not just give Affogato a kiss. A proper kiss. But he won't. That's probably taking things too far. It's not the kind of love he means, right? ]

[ The tentacles are pretty, honestly. Affogato can appreciate them. Squid ink and starry skies. He lifts his eyes and watches them curl into hearts, feels the others draw them in closer. It's impossible to not understand that. And he wants to shake Mizuki for it. Stop. Stop stop stop. Don't love him, don't want him, he will burn you again.

The toxic viper he is.

He closes his eyes and makes a noise to the words. ]

Don't speak.

[ It pains him, Mizuki had such a sweet voice, and it's because of him it was taken away. He reaches out to pick up his texting device (he'll never remember the word phone) and hands it back to him, keeping his hand firmly around the other hand however. The headbutting makes him sigh, and he tilts his head.

Breaking, breaking. He's unraveling and he wants to scream. ]

Mine.

[ Does he want to kiss him? A little, actually. Wants to pin him to the bed and leave marks, possessive and bright, all over him. So Suri knows he's his. So the other's know he's his. And yet, he knows what may happen if he does, and he can't hurt Mizuki like that. ]

Let me cover those marks, and make my own. He won't ever touch you again.

[ ...Right. That was what Affogato had wanted to do to start with, before all this had happened. Does that mean he has to let go? He doesn't want to. He wants to stay here until Affogato feels better. He wants to keep him bundled here until the day ends. He just... wants to stay.

Though he does like the sound of "make my own". Like, symbols? Something of Affogato's to let everyone know? Yes, of course. Especially if it gets rid of these awful marks. He wants to bite them off. Maybe if he chewed them off, the skin would grow back like vines, like it did for the one part of his arm? Would the moon magic heal that automatically, too? Hm.

He shouldn't test it. Certainly not with Affogato here. Instead, he just shifts to sit next to him... like, right against him, showing his arm where the marks are. He promises not to be too much of a nuisance leaning into him like this. ]

[ He hates those marks, as Mizuki moves and offers his arm. He takes it gently again, begins to once more blend makeup onto skin to cover them. He hates them, because he made them but under someone elses demands. Hates them because they're not kissed on, but scarred.

He's quiet as he works, shifting his body so Mizuki can lean more comfortably. He makes no move to push him away, even if it would be easier in certain positions to do this. Instead he focuses on making three round purple circles over the black sun marks.

And then carefully, with a small brush he uses to paint his own makeup on, he paints his symbol on each one. It's only makeup so can be washed off whenever Mizuki desires it, but for now it'll hide the black suns mark. ]

[ Mizuki would never want to wash them off. Not just because they are covering up the marks beneath, but because these belong to Affogato. He'd just gotten back from being dead and from fighting off the Forest's beasts and... he's still so happy. He can't give his shy, giddy giggles anymore, but his bright smile is still there. He may very well come to Affogato to get them repainted frequently. Or teach himself how to do it.

...Or get Affogato a tattoo machine-

With Mizuki's free hand, he types on his phone again. Holding it up only after Affogato is finished. ] How pretty.
I will wear them proudly.

[ Dear God, don't get him a tattoo gun. The giggles are sorely missed, the silence is deafening, but he'll take that smile instead. Read the words texted out, huffs a little laugh. ]

Proudly is pushing it.

[ But Mizuki is slowly lifting his spirits, making him feel like his old self a little more. Makes him hm softly, tilt his arm back and forth. ]

But the colors do suit you, much as I thought they would. You will look lovely in the outfit.

[ Speaking of which. With an apology kiss to Mizuki's cheek, he gets off the bed and moves to where he's stashed it, pulling it out. It's in several layers, with plain white being the under layer, and a soft purple over layer.

It's been picked apart and reworked several times, and is still in the process. He makes a noise and gestures for Mizuki to come over. ]

Here, please~

[ Mizuki taps on the word "proudly" a few times, loudly, to make his point. Fuck you, Affogato, he WILL wear it proudly. He's more than happy to.

Once Affogato pulls out the new clothes, Mizuki is even more excited. He tosses off the rain poncho he usually wears in favor of just kind of chucking it vaguely on the floor. His bathing suit-esque top is tight enough that wearing stuff over it is a breeze, so he figures he doesn't actually need to get undressed, really.

Which, uh, is for the best, considering the romantic tension he's been having with Affogato... haha... Anyway! He's by Affogato in a matter of seconds, picking his arms up like he's gonna be measured or something. He used to be a model, he's pretty sure this is what they'd do first- ]

[ The arms up make him smile and he shakes his head, holding the first layer on his arm as he redirects Mizuki into a t-pose, then simply opens the piece and drapes it over him, the large bell sleeves easily sliding onto his arms, covering his hands and draping downwards. It's a simple plain light-weight white top. With ties that he ties closed. Then begins to pinch in spots, grabbing a pencil to mark spots he can take it in tighter.

And if he kneels in front of Mizuki, it's to tug the top down a little more, smooth it out. His eyes are fixed on the shirt. Of course, he has to be very handsy too, smoothing it out and down against Mizuki's stomach, along his sides. Up again for the sleeves.

He hums softly. ]

Not too far off~ I am glad my skills haven't degraded so far living in the Citadel.

[ Mizuki is an excellent model at least. He does T-pose when he's wanted to and he stands perfectly still..... well, no. Mostly still. When Affogato starts getting handsy, there's a few twitches and he pulls his arms in just a little sometimes, particularly when Affogato's hands are against his sides. He goes back to posture soon after, but when he does it again Affogato will notice... wheezing.

No no. Laughing. Just, you know, a little ticklish! Maybe it's because Affogato's the one doing this? Since he's usually so good, but... hm. Once Affogato seems satisfied, he tries to look around for a mirror. Surely Heimr had put one in here for Affogato, right? He can have a look at himself, though just from what he can see now, he's certain he'll love it. If nothing else because his commander gave it to him.

It's his. A gift for him and something to further cement his allegiance, his adoration, his obsession for Affogato. Yet, you know, he can't say all that. ]

[ The soft wheezing makes him pause, but by the way he wiggles a little, ah. Ticklish. He murmurs a soft apology and tries to keep himself from tickling. And oh, Mizki that's just the top. On goes the bottom part, another white cotton wrapped and tied around his waist, secure up high. More pleats rearranged, he has to touch more but he's being kinder and carefuller.

And when he stands and pulls on the last layer - which is obviously still a work in production as it has unfinished ornamentation on it, most notably his symbol on the front, but also half-finished patterning here or there. This one is purple, in soft brighter shades to fit with Mizuki, and he ties it in the back, his fingers quick and deft.

Then he fetches his own black fur boa and sets it around Mizuki's shoulder, clasping the pearl together to shut it. Then let's Mizuki run off to the floor mirror he has so he can look, pondering it thoughtfully. He'll need to hem it up in places. ]

It is not quite finished, but I do believe it looks lovely on you.

[ Look, he's excited, okay? Plus, he doesn't actually think that Affogato would be, like, finished by now. Mizuki has no idea how long it takes to do these sorts of things by hand. A long time, he imagines. So the fact that there's more than this is baffling.

But once he's all dolled up and Affogato makes some gesture that he's finished, he does scuttle over to the mirror. He does a little twirl and rocks the fabric from side to side to watch it sway. He does like the cooler colors on him, and he's quite fond of the Yanese influence, too. He'd only been there the one time, and it's where one of his heroes were from, even. He thinks she would like Affogato, too.

He turns to Affogato with a big grin, with a couple taps against his phone. The baby Seaborn that's still huddled by Affogato's neck gives it's own happy chirps in the meantime. ]

It's so lovely! I'm so glad you made something like this for me.
I feel so fancy~
It's been a while since I've owned something this nice.

Edited 2024-07-09 21:39 (UTC)

[ Ah, he's glad Mizuki likes it, though he's not sure if he likes it or likes it because Affogato made it for him. But does it matter? No. Affogato is going to take this. Look pleased finally, like a cat who got the cream, as Mizuki spins and lets the fabric swish.

His eyes dart towards the phone as Mizuki taps, raising a hand gently to rub the little Seaborn clinging to his neck still, then smiles. No, he doesn't just smile. He absolutely beams. ]

Only the best for my little love~ If you like the fur, I shall endeavor to make you one as well, but if not, the piece can go without.

[ He opens his hands and extends them towards Mizuki in an unmistakable come to me gesture. ]

Oh, I like anything that covers my neck, honestly.
Plus, it’s nice!
But I wouldn’t want you to go out of your way for it.
My device covers my neck just fine.

[ Anything to cover up. Though, maybe having something that isn’t tightly secured like his collar will be strange to get used to? Like, especially because it’s fuzzy? He might think there’s something there, or that maybe the strands of fur were like a thousand tiny blades—

Ah… ]

Edited 2024-07-09 22:29 (UTC)

[ Ohhh no.

He hates that thought actually! He hates it a lot! Why would his brain put that there?? Why why why?? He pretty quickly pulls it off. Not roughly, it’s still Affogato’s and he doesn’t want to ruin it. But. Hhhh. ]

nvm. Sry.

[ Oh he recognizes those sudden movements. Understands the look in Mizuki's eyes. Something triggered him, and judging from the way he's pulling at the boa-

He's quick to move over and lend his aid to get it off, setting it aside and then pulling Mizuki in against him. Wrap his arms around him, his voice low and purring. ]

Shh, don't be sorry. Focus on me. Listen to my voice. Let your thoughts settle only on me, nothing else. Listen to your Commander. Focus.

[ Really, it's not... as bad as it could have been. Like when the burnt town existed, and everyone had to deal with the visions that it brought? Oh, how he was an inconsolable mess then. He'd nearly chucked Elsword at a wall without thinking. He's at least still coherent, even if rattled. He doesn't like the reminders. But it's hard not to keep thinking about it when he happens to think about it. And his mind just sounds like static.

Or, maybe that's actual static, as Affogato will see him briefly glitch when touched. Static snow, little artifacts, a mess of colors... all lasting a fraction of a second before he's leaning into Affogato and clinging onto him once again with one hand while the other just holds the phone close to his chest. He can just breathe. Focus on better stuff, like how happy he is to be back, and that Affogato is not only okay, but loves him! He said he loves Mizuki, he should be over the moon about that. He should be happy.

We fixed you, so you don't have to worry about things like this anymore. ]

I'm okay.
I didn't mean to worry you.
I just had a rough thought and it wouldn't go away.

[ The 'glitch' is fascinating in it's own right, but it makes Affogato hum because it means his Mizuki is upset, and he doesn't like that. He holds his jelly to him tightly, breathing slow and calm so Mizuki can match his breathing. Rubbing his back soothingly across his upper shoulder blades too. Gentle relaxing touches. He listens to the quiet tapping as he types, then glances when it goes silent. ]

Hush. I am here for those thoughts. When they will not go away, focus on me.

[ Though he knows it doesn't work for everyone to focus on something else. He sighs a little and glances down, the height difference cute honestly, and smirks. ]

After all, you're mine, are you not? I promised to take care of you. That includes moments like this.

[ Really, it's anyone's guess how Affogato doesn't understand that Mizuki is so quick to forgive him in moments like this. Yes, he died. Yes, it hurt. Yes, the pain will probably be with him for a while. But it wasn't all that bad compared to what it could've been. The only thing he might ask of Affogato is that if it ever has to happen again, he'd want Affogato there for it. (Haha-) He felt so alone. He didn't want to feel that ever again.

But moments like this and Mizuki felt cared for. Felt safe. Felt comfort. Felt like if it were just the two of them in the whole universe then that would be okay. Which, you know, is certainly a feeling to have, for sure, but...

Mizuki clings, as he always does. He clings in a way that says he won't let go, and his tendrils grab and hold onto Affogato as well. Arms, ankles, waist, and the shoulder that the other Seaborn is currently not occupying. He's... a mess. He knows he is. He's spent most of the day crying because everyone was so upset he was gone. He's spent even more of it desperately trying to figure out if he's incredibly devoted to Affogato in a totally normal (how is any of this normal, Mizuki) soldier-commander sort of way, or if he really liked how Affogato holds his hands. If he really liked the kisses he pressed into his palms. If he wanted more of that, actually, and loved that flighty feeling in his chest he got from it.

All that topped with the fact that he just had his trauma brought up again, the boy is emotionally drained. To the point he's pretty sure tonight he's going to be conked out for at LEAST sixteen hours.

He nods at "mine" of course. Of course he's Affogato's. Always. Even if it means he has to get hurt again, that's okay. Just stay. Stay, stay, stay. Please.

Releasing one hand, Affogato will hear a lot of taps. A lot of taps, and then the held backspace of him erasing things again and again until he finally tilts the screen to Affogato with just a simple phrase. ]

Thank you.

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cw: self-harm mentions

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1/2

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