[OPEN] gotta get worse before you get better

[eidxiety]

Who: Ain & Whoever wants to put up with this
What: Add disappeared, so it's time for mental breakdown #3
When: End of month, after the dream event ends
Where: Various places in the Grove, see prompts
Warnings: death and grieving, hallucinations, mentions of suri, probably yandere shit, more TBA


i. Open - Across the River

[And so a glorious dream ends, the flower bud spits Ain onto the ground, and he goes about moping for several days, like everyone else does. The dream's burrs are still hooked underneath his skin, pulling at the corners of his mind. On occasion, something dances behind his vision, a blur at the corner of his eye, a voice he's heard before but cruel and twisted and wrong. Ain's eyes stay unfocused whenever this happens. Such things aren't White Lily's fault — sure, none of that helped Ain's already-fragile mental state, and his awakening had been particularly rude — but it's not like she had ever intended to force these twisted versions of dreams on him. That had been Suri, of course, taking advantage of the fact that Ain's psyche is starting to fragment day by day. Yet he shows no signs of Corruption, dragon-blessed as he is, so it seems this is merely an attack of advantage.

They aren't real. He should know this. It doesn't seem like he does, though, so the cruel hallucinations of his friends continue to torment him. Yes, of course his ideal was that everyone could be together in peaceful times (and maybe he could stay with all his partners forever), why are they being so needlessly brutal toward him about it? Ain doesn't get it, does not everyone want to live peacefully with their friends? Is that, like, weird? Is it the marriage thing? Yeah, it's probably the marriage thing. He always knew he was a freak, that's what people told him anyway, people outside the dream.

In all of this, though, what's gutting Ain the most is that while he was asleep, Add went missing. The bracelet's signal is nonexistent, the metal loop cumbersome and cold. The hallucination version of his friend-turned-partner has nothing helpful to say about this, and although half of Ain's brain logically understands that this isn't real — Add is dead and gone, disappeared while Ain was completely disabled — the part that's too tangled up in itself to escape can't fathom that this could be anyone else talking to him. It's a careful push and pull, tug-o-war with him at the centre of it all.

From where he's seated on the opposite side of the river, the side where Wolfwood and Livio's house is at, nestled away in an alcove that he and Elsword like to camp at. He sits forward, knees pulled to his chest, the amethyst-inlaid bracelet that was once connected to Add's sitting on his right wrist instead of with the others on the left.

He's talking to someone. Well, to you he's talking to himself, but to Ain, he and Add are currently arguing. Bad news all around here.]

You always leave. Why are you getting mad at me? Did you forget all the times you've run off without us? [... ... ...] You're being more of a dick than usual today!

[Nevermind, he's not talking. He's yelling.]

ii. Closed to the BFs/Elsword - Bakery

[The dream-hooks are still wedged into the folds of Ain's brain, but today, it seems that he's somewhat broken out of it and can focus... at least enough to know that things are very wrong, that he's wearing a bracelet-link belonging to a dead man, and that something is wrong with his brain right now. This is not exactly a cry for help, though, because lately Ain hasn't really been doing that. Surely the turbulent emotions, the back-and-forth, has been just as bad for the still-living partners that are bracelet-bound to him? For Ezell in particular, it's not like he needed that aid to see how Ain's doing, but the other two... yeah. Oh yeah. Sorry, boys. At least Elsword is so far spared the wrath of Ain's violent mood swings, right?

Ain has dragged you upstairs to his room. His room, exclusively. No longer his and Add's, where the plushies of the man in particular are dragged to the forefront of the room, no longer hidden because Add was weird about them at the time; they're sitting on the top bunk of the bed now where he normally keeps the ones of Elsword (sorry Elsword, hi Elsword), staring down at you as Ain grabs you by the wrist and pulls you into the room.]

You have to stay here tonight. I don't want anything to happen to you, or for us to enter another dream and one of us to go missing overnight.

[It sounds so rational when he phrases it like that, but the way his eyes dart around say he hasn't at all woken fully up yet himself. That, and the fact that the bracelet basically pings with the emotional equivalent of if you leave me alone right now I will chase you down and knock you unconscious and drag you back here to be supervised by me personally might be a dead giveaway that this request is not based in anything rational at all.]

iii. Open - Outside the Dimensional Library

[And then Ain disappears for a bit, both to pray to Ourania and ask her to fix the nasty scars Suri gave him ages ago — they're cute, swirling whorls of silver now, still there but far less damaging to look at — and to head off to the strange portal-library. Despite his best judgement, of course. The last time he was there, he walked out and Vash was dead on the ground.

That was nice.

He's gone for a few hours. Part of it is spent crying into the Bibcoons. Part of it is spent talking to something within it. He emerges just fine after, though, no worse for wear and having presumably gotten his fill of books. The dream still has him, but it's lighter now. Less harmful, less of Suri's claws, more peaceful. His eyes still dart around, and he still answers things that aren't there to your eyes, but he seems... better. Happier? As though he's mysteriously bounced back from everything that's been happening over the last while.

He's laughing at something over his left shoulder, having a full conversation seconds later. Behind his heels is Dachie, trotting along after his master as usual. The owldog's eyes lock with yours, and he tilts his head, ears flicking back in that way disturbed animals often do.

Something isn't right.]

Comments

ii

[lupusxylem]

[The force of Ain's grief, the turmoil of his mental state...it's all so severe that it knocks Wolfwood flat on his fucking ass.

He's been weathering it for the most part, not that it's been particularly healthy for either of them. He knows this ouroboros of emotions is eating away at both of their brains. It started when Vash vanished and has only snowballed from there, because it's not like Wolfwood has been at all mentally sound or stable himself. Livio had it so bad he literally disappeared and let Razlo front for the last month and some change. Things are not good right now. These dreams, to that end, come at what is quite possibly the worst fucking time. These little teases of a perfect life that they could have, only to have them cruelly ripped away into a reality that's honestly worse than Wolfwood thinks either of them could have prepared for.

He and Add never fully did see eye-to-eye in the end, but they at least came to an understanding. They were too similar to make either man comfortable and it showed, and maybe that's part of why Ain had attached himself so hard to them. Wolfwood...doesn't have to ask Ain what happened, who's gone, because he can feel the gnawing void in his chest so wide as if it were his own.

Eventually it's too much. He has to leave, put some distance between himself, the Grove, even the Church. He doesn't go far enough for it to be alarming, just far enough to be alone while Ain talks to a facsimile of Add by the river. Because Ain's emotional state is still rooted in the dreams, it means Wolfwood's is as well, and it becomes...twisted. Wrong. Thankfully, he ends up so disoriented by it that he doesn't really remember the finer details. He just has to sit on a log somewhere and hyperventilate until he's sick. Only then does he claw his way back and remember some of Mizuki's calming-down techniques, though they really only sortof help.

So yeah, he won't refuse Ain tonight. How could he? He'll allow himself to be dragged into the bakery and up to his room, but at least with the gulf of a couple of hours between now and how things were this morning, Wolfwood isn't bouncing back Ain's emotions in a violently exponential sort of way. It's more like Ain's anxiety falls into a bottomless pit on Wolfwood's end, a gulfing maw that swallows, compartmentalizes, and then burns it away. The bags under his eyes are heavy and deep, yet his concern for Ain's mental state right now outweighs everything else.

He just wishes he could catch a break. What does he fucking have to do to give him that?]

I know...I know. I'm here.

[I'm not going anywhere, I promise, he refuses to say. He can't make that promise, because if he- too- gets pulled away, he doesn't think Ain would survive it.

He looks up at the loft, wishing it weren't up so high, and leans against the ladder for a second. He thinks Ain would hate it if he smoked in here, so he reaches into his pocket for a lollipop instead, unwrapping and popping it into his mouth. He'll offer one to Ain, too, if he'll allow it.]

[eidxiety]

[Buddy, you think he's bad now that he's lost Add, just wait until you eat shit and disappear. Then he'll really be at his worst.

Logically, Ain knows that he's dragging Wolfwood down. He always does, doesn't he? That's been their last several months, it's felt like. There's nothing that has made them worse than these stupid bracelets, and yet Ain doesn't think he can handle not knowing that people are safe. After all, it was the sheer absence of a signal from Add's that let him know the worst before he bothered looking. There's not even a Dynamo left behind, it's just... empty. The new desk in the corner sits empty, too. Ain bought it for Add to use...

He reaches for Wolfwood and unhooks the bracelet from around his wrist, carefully, then hooks it onto the chain of the necklace. The connection breaks like a cut cord, but if Wolfwood is here standing in front of him, it should be okay, maybe.]

I know I'm just dragging you down, [he explains, and then leads Wolfwood over to the bottom bunk — the loft bed was replaced when Elsword came around, as Ain intended for there to be more space in his now-larger room to accommodate three people suddenly, as if Elsword ever comes inside.] It's fine if you want to take it off for now. I don't... I don't want to burden you, I just...

[He doesn't know, he needs to know things? He'd prefer not to spend hours looking for someone only to find a corpse? He'd rather know immediately? At this point, Ain's not sure, and he crawls into the bottom bunk and faceplants into the pillows.]

You must hate me now. I've just been making everything worse, huh?

[lupusxylem]

[The sudden way the connection between him and Ain is severed actually makes him a little dizzy for a moment, so he's glad that there's somewhere close for him to sit down. He sinks onto the bottom bunk heavily with a groan like a bear that just woke from hibernation, using his tongue to roll the lollipop over to the other side of his mouth so he doesn't accidentally inhale it.]

S'fine...I get it. I do.

[Like, how could he NOT get it? There's a reason he pushed everyone away so fucking hard back home. It made for absolute certain that shit like this wouldn't happen. You can't grieve loss if you don't have the loss to grieve, right?

Yeah. Definitely the more healthy way to live.

The separation of their emotions only makes it slightly easier to think through the fog, and he's not sure if that's a good or bad thing. He glances over, watching as Ain crawls into bed and falls onto the pillows face-down, prompting Wolfwood to scoot back so he's more fully onto the bed himself. His prosthetic is ugly and in the way, so he'll lean forward to undo the connection to his knee so he can pull it off. He'll reply as he does this, growling lowly around the lollipop stick.]

Don't say that. I ain't gonna hate you for havin' a normal reaction to all the shit that's been goin' on.

[Well. "Normal" maybe is a stretch, but Ain has every right to be acting this way. Wolfwood knows that feeling better than anyone, to not be able to control anything, and now it's happening all over again. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.]

[eidxiety]

Nikolaus... I know, okay? We're sharing emotions. I know what I do to you.

[He rolls over enough to talk, but he's not facing Wolfwood. He's facing the wall, full of Add's stupid schematics that he pinned up, Ain's books in the alcove underneath and a few sketches of clothing he was working on nearby.

Stupid. Maybe he should take a page out of Wolfwood's dour book and stop falling in love and stop having friends? Wouldn't it be so much easier if he was a blank slate like Ishmael wanted him to be? How he started out?]

I want to go back to being happy. The dream was so nice...

[lupusxylem]

[That's fine, because it won't stop Wolfwood from doing something very dumb- don't do this at home kids- and laying down beside him on his back with that lollipop still in his mouth. He'll lay like this and look up at the ceiling while they talk, kindof acting as a buffer between Ain and the other side of the room.]

...I know. It was a good dream.

[For however long it lasted, anyway. It was...nice, but it was only ever designed to hurt them, in the end. Distract them, lower their guard...

Wolfwood is convinced there's no world where a happy ending for him exists, so there's really no way he ever COULD have believed it to be true, even for a second.]

M'sorry you had to get woken up like you did.

III

[foreversembrace]

[Till comes to the library and the archives and things more often than he used to, less because he's taken a sudden interest in reading, and more because since he and Mephisto got a place together, he figures he might grab some books here and there to bring back. He doesn't know what Mephisto likes to read so he might just be all like "you dumbass what is this", but it's the thought that counts or something, he doesn't know.

So he's on his way here with his snail Jibang stuck to his back, vibrating softly just in time for Till to nearly run face first into Ain, who super isn't paying him any attention at all as he walks. It's kindof a weird contrast, Ain oddly chipper but also talking to nobody, and Till looking like he hasn't slept in four days and has been injected with ten times more hatred for the world, thank you Suri.]

Tch- [He rocks back on his heels, very nearly actually losing his balance as he quickly side-steps out of Ain's way, sort of looking at him sidelong as he talks to...nothing.] Watch where you're going...

[Jibang purrs, lifting his head slowly over Till's shoulder as one eyestalk extends slower than the other. Yeah something ain't right alright, and it's causing the snail to vibrate harder.]

[eidxiety]

[He doesn't quite hear Till, but rather Till's own words are echoed back to him in the form of dream-Aisha telling Ain to not walk into people. This really is going to be his life from now on. "The dreams will fade as you don't need the comfort," it was said, but Ain's brain is too stress-addled to see this as anything different. Is hallucinating your entire friend group to get through the day a valid coping method? Psychologists are debating it right now in the comments.]

Huh— oh, sorry, Mr. Artist! I didn't see you.

[His brain has been turbo-fucked by recent events. Getting trapped in a dream, Suri interfering to try to further break Ain's mind (and succeeding), and now the spectre in the library "fixing" it in a way that might keep Ain from completely going off the deep end, even though he's already drowning in the ocean.

Dachie inclines his head toward Jibang and barks. Their dads are struggling, help.]

[foreversembrace]

[Someone help their fucking dads they are crashing out as we speak.

Till isn't sure how to respond to that, at first. What do you mean you didn't see me, he wants to bark, but then it sort of...slowly sinks in that Ain really was just talking to himself, wasn't he? Or, rather...

Talking as if someone was there. And someone very much isn't.

He blinks slowly a few times, glancing over his shoulder. But nobody's here, it's just him, Ain, and their pets. Jibang lowers his head a little, rumbling harder because he can sense the tension in the air, causing his eyestalks to vibrate.]

...is there someone else here?

[eidxiety]

[Ain knows, logically, very extremely logically, that these are just illusions that were crafted to help him along. They're memories pulled from his head, simulacra of things he'll likely never have again. But if he thinks hard enough about it, technically, they're real (and this is the part where Ain's brain gravitates backwards and says yeah no they're real everyone is here and they're fine, of course).

He smiles at Till, empty.]

Some of my friends, haha. I was too busy talking to them, so I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking.

[foreversembrace]

[Till lives in a very, very fucked up world. He's been around people who are deeply hurt and traumatized, and have developed coping methods out of necessity for survival. He doesn't always understand them, but he's seen it in other kids, in other young adults just like him. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to look at Ain, hear him say that, and realize that something's very wrong.

They've just come out of the dream, right? The dreams turned nightmare that seemed so real and perfect, but were just another beautiful lie.

...they're not in them anymore. Right...?]

...your. Friends. Are they still...here?

ii

[friendshipbeams]

[ Elsword has a lot of questions. He can't have any of them answered, though, because Ain is breaking down and very quickly approaching "maybe these human emotions suck actually" territory. Not that Elsword knows he's not human, but he definitely has noticed Ain's shift from when they first met to… well, now. He thought there was progress being made. He thought maybe Ain was opening up. Now he's afraid of him just shutting himself off again.

Elsword doesn't even have time to grieve for Add because he's just so worried about Ain. After all the things Ain has told him about, it's hard not to. He thinks that every problem that has happened is like boulders being piled up on him, and this one is so close to breaking the poor guy's back. So much as a soft breeze might make him fall under the weight. He can't let that happen. He wants to shoulder that weight for him. He has no idea how to do that, though. Not when it's all emotional weight like this. How is he supposed to protect Ain from things that aren't, like, physical? He can block a blade, a bullet, a punch, and so many other things, but this…?

He does hug Ain instantly before he's even able to start dragging him as all the little Elswords in his little Elsword brain are running around desperately trying to figure out what to do. What to say. Anything. ]

I'm sorry.

[ It's all he can manage. He couldn't stop this. He failed you. Again.

He's so goddamn sorry. ]

[eidxiety]

[No, no, Ain hit "human emotions suck actually" last summer, it's just ramped in intensity since then. He wasn't always the type to hang onto others' words to him no matter how good or bad they are. A lot of good has come from him learning them, navigating them... and a lot of bad has, too. This is the human experience, but Ain has the coping strategies of a five-year-old. They don't teach you that in human school.]

It's not your fault. We were sleeping...

[That's the thing, isn't it? He can track everyone — and they can track him — as much he wants, but if Suri makes them all go comatose for a month and people disappear and die, what can Ain do? He could march into the Garden, but Nene hasn't come to talk to him yet... he might really never come back.

If they go home now, does that mean neither of them will see Add ever again? The thought weighs heavy on Ain's mind, as he shuffles backwards and starts dragging Elsword further into the room.]

We'll... figure it out... he's probably out there being stubborn. Surely...

[friendshipbeams]

[ "We were sleeping," but that's just it, isn't it? Elsword didn't want to wake up. He didn't want to leave the dream. He just wanted to sleep longer. He still wants to sleep, if he's being honest. He's not even tired, he just… he doesn't know. He doesn't get this all that well. He thinks maybe there might be something wrong with him?? Maybe he's sick, or something. But he's not allowed to be that, either. He has to be strong! He has to be healthy! He has to be able to do things for Ain and everyone else because… if he can't, isn't he useless?

He follows Ain relatively easily, though refuses to let go of him. ]

…I can go and look for him. [ But… ] I don't think I should leave you here, though.

[eidxiety]

[Ain is going to lay down now. Sorry bud, you're being dragged in. This was meant to be their room, the three of them...

He shakes his head.]

It's hard to explain, but the bracelets we were sharing let me track him. The fact I can't pick up any signal at all means he's either taken it off, or he's really gone... and even if he's taken it off, there's not much point to looking. Maybe he doesn't want to be found, if he's still alive.

[But the fact that not even Karte is here and all his stuff is perfectly untouched says he died in some horrid way.

Ain takes a shaky, careful breath.]

I was lying to make myself feel better. He might be in the Garden... but otherwise, I don't think we should look right now, h-haha...

[friendshipbeams]

[ Elsword still doesn't understand... all of this. "The Garden" was definitely mentioned before, and so was like death being weird, and he... sssssort of grasped it? Not.... like........ really, though.

So now he's just sad because he doesn't know if that mean Add is back home, or ????

He doesn't want to linger on it, mostly because he has to be there for Ain, right? He can't also be sad because than who's gonna help his friend not be sad?? Ain has been through so, so, so much here. So he just goes to hold Ain once again and swallows his urge to cry. ]

...We'll find him eventually, then. I know it. Everything is going to work out, okay?

i

[lovelyredthread]

[ Yelling... yelling was uncommon in the garden to say the least. Honeyed words that hid threats were far more common... but this felt distinct even with that in mind.

Seeing Ain talk to nothing, Pavlova felt his stomach drop, dread settling in. ]

Mr. Bleeding heart?

[ The nickname comes, soft. He doesn't use it much since he doesn't refer to Ain often, but... he didn't think sneaking up on him was a good idea right now. ]

What's going on? Who are you yelling at?

[eidxiety]

[Ain at least hears his friend over whatever is yelling in his head (hint: it's a Suri-nightmarified version of Add) and winds up looking toward Pavolva, brow scrunched.]

Mm... I don't think I'm fully "awake" from that dream. It's Add that I'm talking to, but I know he's not real. The real one went off and died somewhere.

[He says it coldly, entirely because he's in a bad mood and maybe part of him is blaming Add's impulsiveness for this one. And also Suri. He mostly blames the Forest.]

[lovelyredthread]

[ Ohhh his face falls into such a pout. The annoyance isn't directed at Ain, though. He moves to put his arms around Ain's waist, glaring aimlessly in front of him where he assumes Add is. ]

That's mean of the forest guy to taunt you with him. Shouldn't you go see uh... Xahliya? To make sure its not something like the infection?

[eidxiety]

[The illusion of Add in Ain's head flips Pavlova off. Ain responds to this by picking up a rock and throwing it into, well, effectively nothing.]

I shouldn't be Corrupted. I have the dragon blessings. I can go talk to him, but I don't think there's much he can do, unless he knows how to heal brains.

[lovelyredthread]

I just figure he'd know better what to do about lingering effects and stuff, but...

[ He gives a little shrug. ]

That's up to you in the end... I guess you could talk to Mizuki since he's a therapist and all.

ii

[ezellotry]

[ Ezell does not need to be dragged. He, in fact, follows Ain more than willingly up the stairs. Once they're up, he even lets go of Ain's hand long enough to just scoop him wholly in his arms. Ain is taller than him, but he still finds a way to cradle him tenderly as he takes them both towards Ain's bed.

All these confusing emotions are swimming around in Ezell's head from Ain. He wants to make him feel better as soon as he can, but he knows he can't just whisk them away like magic. Thus, instead, he just presses kisses against Ain's face, in hopes it'll soothe him even just a bit. ]

I'm not going anywhere, Ain. Not now - not ever. I told you this already. I'll be by your side whenever you allow me to be, and above all I'll stay safe. You believed me when I said that, right?

[eidxiety]

Yes, but— but you can't control that, can you? And I... if I'm with you, then... I can help, maybe?

[He's a neurotic mess, beaning Ezell with all these nasty feelings he can't control, but given everything... it's to be expected. It would be weirder if he wasn't sad, right?]

It's not like I don't believe you, but I'm scared the Forest will grab you either way, and then... I don't know. I don't know what I'll do if that happens.

[ezellotry]

I... would be lying if I said I could control it, but even so, he couldn't pull me away from you or this place yet. I've been here a long time, and I'd sooner see that fucker's head on a pike than leave you behind, ever.

[ And that's saying a lot, considering Ezell is usually extremely pacifistic. ]

It won't happen. I won't let it. [ This isn't something he can control, but he hopes, for Ain's sake, even if he might understand it's a lie, he'll let himself believe it anyway. The poor guy just needs a fucking win at this point, okay?

Ezell coils his arms around him tightly and cradles him against him, unsure what else he can offer. ]

[eidxiety]

...okay.

[Ain, flopped over onto the lower bunk as he is, simply curls up right into Ezell's chest and sighs. At least this embrace is real. Tangible. This hasn't been ripped away from him yet, though he imagines he won't be the only person on a warpath if something does happen to Ezell.]

I'm sorry if I'm making you miserable. I know you're an empath...

[ezellotry]

[ Ezell very quickly shakes his head to get that notion out of Ain's head. ]

Even if I can feel your feelings, don't assume I'm miserable. I couldn't be. Not when I'm here with you. [ His fingers brush through Ain's hair. ] I love you so much.