[ Things have... not fully settled, but they've settled more than they have been. Thus, Vildred has had it easier. He hopes he can keep it up - though Ras wishes the bitch would just lay the fuck down! He can't argue, when he's still sleeping for like 85% of the days.
When Vildred comes back from his ventures in the inn, though, Ras will be sitting upright, staring out the window. Listening to the voices that beckon, of people he'd once known. There's... nothing behind his eyes, unfortunately. As always, they're more like glass than eyes. ]
Vildred. [ He hugs his knees a little closer. ] I have failed you again. I could not protect you. I could not stop this disaster, and you got hurt because of me.
And that has spurred on the realization... you do not remember anything we have done. The things I have done, or failed to do. That is not fair to you, if we are together.
[And here's Vildred, about to tell Ras about acetaminophen...]
It really isn't your fault. The moon-thing knocked you out... or something to that effect, anyway.
[With a new splint on and tons of heat packs on his ribs, Vildred shuffles over to their bed and sits, propping himself up against the headboard with some pillows.]
...if you want to tell me about it, that's fine, but I don't want you to feel pressured to just because you're feeling down.
...I do not feel pressured by my circumstance wholly. It has been a weight that has held me back for some time, along with the revelation of the worlds I have failed. These things go in tandem, I suppose. But while one weight has gotten lighter, this one has not.
[ He frowns, reaching over to gently hold Vildred's hand. ]
It is not fun to hear about your demise, though. I understand if you do not wish to hear it on principle. But I feel, at the very least, I need to tell you about my most recent world.
...no, no. It's fine. I'd... learn it eventually, like with our past lives here. I'd rather hear it from you, I think, than get the memories back through something the Forest pulls.
I... apologize. I know that... you do not like to hear about upsetting things. My timing is fairly poor, too, considering...
[ He should be trying to lighten the mood, not make it worse. That was always something Vildred was better at. He just... wants him to smile. He loves that smile of his. He wants to protect that smile of his.
Always. ]
Ah, but... I can promise you, after this, I will do my best to find something uplifting to talk about. I simply feel as though if I do not get this out of my head now, it will linger.
... [ He shifts himself a little to pull the covers up and ensuring that Vildred is warm and covered. Making sure he's comfortable for the wildly uncomfortable conversation that's about to unfold. ] The first world was... the hardest. As I am sure you can ascertain yourself, it was the hardest emotionally on me. For starters, you were not there at my side from the beginning. I took the burden of doing things alone for a while. After all, I was Diche's will. I was Orbis' sword and shield. Or, I thought I was supposed to be.
When I arrived too late to stave off enough of the Archdemon's forces, I would often hear... the people vocalize their waning faith. I think, had they been directed at only me, I may have not been as affected by it. I would have continued to live as the puppet I needed to be for Orbis. But something about the people's vitriol made me realize I was living proof of the Goddess' will. If they lost faith in me, they were losing faith in her.
It was...
...painful.
[ ...He lets out a very small laugh. ] I still am not good at expressing my emotions, but I was even worse back then, if you can believe it.
I thought that maybe it would be better to just do my job, and cut off contact with the humans wholly. I do not have to befriend anyone, I just have to protect Orbis. Love the people, regardless of their faith in me. But... I... stopped. I stopped loving the people because it hurt. And that made me start to question... why I was doing any of it. If I do not care, it does not hurt. But if I do not care, I have nothing to fight for.
...
[ He lulls his head a little, picking up his hand to gently put it against Vildred's cheek. ]
And then I met you. Would you like to guess what the first thing you said to me was?
[Vildred listens, of course. He listens, quiet, absorbing everything Ras has to say. When his cheek is touched, he leans into it like a man starved, craving the contact and the warmth it brings. His hair rises to wrap around Ras' fingers against his cheek, his eyes closed very briefly.]
Probably something cheesy, right? "Vildred Dayern, General of Ezera... I'll be your sword," or something. Maybe it was just "hi" for once, but I doubt it.
...You smiled at me, and you said, "Never thought the Heir of the Covenant was so tiny!" And you laughed.
That was when I realized again... that I do love humans. You stayed by my side after that. You asked me things as if I were... a person. As comrades in arms, not as the Heir of the Covenant. I had always been convinced if I loved one, I would forsake another. But I realized something else... while that was true, to an extent, I would rather learn what the world I was meant to protect should look like with those I loved. I would rather save the world with you.
Which... I suppose is all just a very long winded way to say... I have always loved you, Vildred. I will always love you. You gave my existence purpose again, when I did not realize I was losing it.
...
But... then... when it came time to fight, you were meant to fend off Acolyte Kayron, and I did not see you again afterwards. I... failed the world, as well, as I could not fight the Archdemon.
It... was devastating. I did not realize losing was... an option. I was so sure that something I was made for meant there was no possible way I could lose. It was the very first time I cried.
Diche spoke to me, and said she would fix things, but... that was when the world had been reverted. The second world. And from there, the third. The fourth. All coming to ends, despite my knowledge of the previous. New heirs, new friends, in every one of them, and some losing their lives, never to be seen again. I do my best to not forget their faces, but it hurts every day to not have anyone to share with about them. I cannot... express...
...
I am pulled from the fifth world, at the end of it. Aki - a man you do not remember - was a good friend of ours. He gave up his life knowing full well he would not come with me to the next world if I failed.
[ He tries to continue, but the words briefly catch in his throat before he has to pull his hands away from Vildred, as they start to shake. This is... still quite raw for Ras, obviously. ]
So... I should have... I should... have kept going... for Aki. He was... [ He squeezes his hands into fists in some desperate hope to get them to stop. To settle his emotions. ] He is my dear friend. And I miss him. But you... You held down Acolyte Kayron, and told me to kill him. But in doing so that would kill you, too.
I... I did. I killed you, a-and... I could... I could not...
I did... not want to s-save the world... anymore...
[Of course his first words weren't something formal like usual, of course they were something funny. Of course he tried to make Ras laugh, big and important as he is.
Five timelines. Five worlds gone, and Vildred doesn't know if he's from the one immediately proceeding or any after that. How many timelines had they failed? Just how many forward is Vildred's specifically? How would Ras even react to the news that there are more? Because — because if he came from the fifth world, he'd remember all of that. He'd know who Aki is, he'd remember holding Kayron down. But he doesn't. The last thing Vildred remembers is telling Ras that he'd go handle Kayron alone, and then he was slashed across the face, and...
...he puts his hand against the scar over his face for a moment, wondering if that may have been lights out. Hearing that he's died to Kayron multiple times doesn't exactly fill him with confidence. The scar throbs when he thinks about it, and so Vildred folds his hands in his lap before opting to clasp Ras' hands in his again. No, Ras isn't allowed to go anywhere; Vildred didn't say he could.]
Ras...
[He doesn't want to take people's sacrifices lying down. But at the same time, he feels so strangely moved by how deeply Ras loves him, has always loved him. It's an honour, to be so thoroughly beloved by anybody, especially Ras Elclare. Especially him.]
...you've been carrying a lot. I'm sorry that... any of that happened. That we failed so many times. [Because it was never just Ras' fault, was it? Vildred was always there, too.] I swear, we won't fail the next time.
[Not that he knows that.]
But while we're here... rest. You need a break more than anyone in all the worlds here. You always take care of me, it sounds like, so let me take care of you.
[ He isn't sure what he is expecting. He doesn't expect Vildred to yell, if he's being honest. Because he imagines this news would be conflicting to Vildred. On the one hand, he made a choice. He followed his heart, and not just doing something for the sake of making everyone happy. It's something he wanted, and surely that accounts for something, with the man who's constantly trying to get Ras to have opinions and make his own choices.
But on the other hand, this is something that goes against Vildred's very ideals. He had said to Ras that saving the world is... living for those who have died. To continue moving forward in their memory. For Ras to throw that all away...
He would hate me. Ras is so very sure about this. So, no, he does not think Vildred will yell. Vildred does not handle his emotions very well, but he is usually pretty level when it comes to things like rage. He would be angry, and would tell Ras he should probably go. Or maybe he would break up with him on the spot and say something "if you really knew me, you wouldn't have done that". Or maybe something more like, "then you should know how disgusted I am to hear you would do something like that".
He expects this. He doesn't know if his heart can take it. All that talk beforehand about the first world? All just cushion. No, he deserves to know that, too. All just stupid excuses. It wasn't excuses, it was explanations. "I love you, please don't hate me". Pathetic. Stop it.
...
When Vildred gently takes Ras' hands is when the Heir himself breaks. He sobs in a way that he hadn't since the first world. It isn't just tears. It isn't soft crying. He full on sobs and eventually buries his face into Vildred. He does not deserve this. Vildred has every right to hate him.
He would not blame him, or even ask Diche to damn everyone if he had. But he very well might devote himself to doing better until he could see Vildred smile again. That's all he wants. All he needs. So long as he can protect that smile... ]
...I'm sorry. [ He manages. ] I'm so sorry. [ For once, he's at a loss for anything else to say. ]
[It's as conflicting as it is humbling. To think that someone like Ras Elclare would go out of his way for him. That a sacrifice such as Vildred's would destroy him so thoroughly, when Vildred simply considered it a means to an end. No wonder, then, that he was always so upset when Vildred would tell Ras he'd die for him, for their cause. He's never minded throwing his life away if it meant the world would be peaceful.
He hadn't ever considered that he might mean something more to someone than simply a pawn in a war.
Vildred embraces him, setting his cheek atop Ras' head, squeezing the much smaller Heir in his arms. Like this, Ras feels impossibly fragile.]
It's alright. More than anyone, you deserve to cry. I wasn't... thinking, I guess, that I would mean so much to someone so important as you. I might have been more cautious with my life if I had.
[ He closes his eyes, wanting to wail, wanting to throw a fit, and he isn't sure why. Perhaps its his emotionally immaturity? He was no raised, nor born with it. He's discovering his emotions are not gone or missing, but rather tumultuous and the way the rattle against the confines of his skull is enough to scare him a bit. If he's this emotional over something like this, then...? ]
I... [ Deep breath. You need to calm down if you want to speak, Ras. ] It is not your fault. It is my own. [ He will not squeeze Vildred, for he is hurting and bruised. But it doesn't stop him from reaching behind Vildred and squeezing the headboard until his hand hurt. ] I was the one to seek you out in every timeline. It did not feel right when you were not at my side. I felt antsy, anxious, paranoid. I had to figure out if you had a different role in this world, or what factors might affect you.
[ He visibly shakes as his gem fluctuates in light, both from the magic suppression and his intense emotion right now. ]
And that made you stuck with me. Orbis was plagued with war, and I ingrained you into it by being around me.
[Vildred starts to rub Ras' back, trying to will him to breathe, to calm down and think. It's a difficult battle, but he's sure Ras can do it. He believes.]
We Dayerns are knights. Our entire family is basically raised for it. I was picking up practice swords when I was four and could barely walk without tripping over myself. No matter what happened, you didn't drag me into this unending war. I would have stumbled into it regardless, because that's what knights do. We protect people. We're supposed to fight in wars, even if I'd rather they don't exist at all.
If I have to be in a war at all... I'd much rather fight it at your side. Your light makes everything easier on me.
[ Ras shoves himself against Vildred, holding him tight enough that the both of them might as well be inseparable, but not tight enough to hurt him more than he already is. ]
I do not understand how you, of all people, can say that.
...You were never a Saint in any of the Worlds. [ He closes his eyes. ] But you could have been. Your angelic smile could never be recreated by statue, yet I would find faith in it every time.
wildcard, again
When Vildred comes back from his ventures in the inn, though, Ras will be sitting upright, staring out the window. Listening to the voices that beckon, of people he'd once known. There's... nothing behind his eyes, unfortunately. As always, they're more like glass than eyes. ]
Vildred. [ He hugs his knees a little closer. ] I have failed you again. I could not protect you. I could not stop this disaster, and you got hurt because of me.
And that has spurred on the realization... you do not remember anything we have done. The things I have done, or failed to do. That is not fair to you, if we are together.
no subject
It really isn't your fault. The moon-thing knocked you out... or something to that effect, anyway.
[With a new splint on and tons of heat packs on his ribs, Vildred shuffles over to their bed and sits, propping himself up against the headboard with some pillows.]
...if you want to tell me about it, that's fine, but I don't want you to feel pressured to just because you're feeling down.
no subject
[ He frowns, reaching over to gently hold Vildred's hand. ]
It is not fun to hear about your demise, though. I understand if you do not wish to hear it on principle. But I feel, at the very least, I need to tell you about my most recent world.
no subject
[Vildred squeezes Ras' hand in his.]
Tell me about it.
no subject
[ He should be trying to lighten the mood, not make it worse. That was always something Vildred was better at. He just... wants him to smile. He loves that smile of his. He wants to protect that smile of his.
Always. ]
Ah, but... I can promise you, after this, I will do my best to find something uplifting to talk about. I simply feel as though if I do not get this out of my head now, it will linger.
... [ He shifts himself a little to pull the covers up and ensuring that Vildred is warm and covered. Making sure he's comfortable for the wildly uncomfortable conversation that's about to unfold. ] The first world was... the hardest. As I am sure you can ascertain yourself, it was the hardest emotionally on me. For starters, you were not there at my side from the beginning. I took the burden of doing things alone for a while. After all, I was Diche's will. I was Orbis' sword and shield. Or, I thought I was supposed to be.
When I arrived too late to stave off enough of the Archdemon's forces, I would often hear... the people vocalize their waning faith. I think, had they been directed at only me, I may have not been as affected by it. I would have continued to live as the puppet I needed to be for Orbis. But something about the people's vitriol made me realize I was living proof of the Goddess' will. If they lost faith in me, they were losing faith in her.
It was...
...painful.
[ ...He lets out a very small laugh. ] I still am not good at expressing my emotions, but I was even worse back then, if you can believe it.
I thought that maybe it would be better to just do my job, and cut off contact with the humans wholly. I do not have to befriend anyone, I just have to protect Orbis. Love the people, regardless of their faith in me. But... I... stopped. I stopped loving the people because it hurt. And that made me start to question... why I was doing any of it. If I do not care, it does not hurt. But if I do not care, I have nothing to fight for.
...
[ He lulls his head a little, picking up his hand to gently put it against Vildred's cheek. ]
And then I met you. Would you like to guess what the first thing you said to me was?
no subject
Probably something cheesy, right? "Vildred Dayern, General of Ezera... I'll be your sword," or something. Maybe it was just "hi" for once, but I doubt it.
no subject
That was when I realized again... that I do love humans. You stayed by my side after that. You asked me things as if I were... a person. As comrades in arms, not as the Heir of the Covenant. I had always been convinced if I loved one, I would forsake another. But I realized something else... while that was true, to an extent, I would rather learn what the world I was meant to protect should look like with those I loved. I would rather save the world with you.
Which... I suppose is all just a very long winded way to say... I have always loved you, Vildred. I will always love you. You gave my existence purpose again, when I did not realize I was losing it.
...
It... was devastating. I did not realize losing was... an option. I was so sure that something I was made for meant there was no possible way I could lose. It was the very first time I cried.
Diche spoke to me, and said she would fix things, but... that was when the world had been reverted. The second world. And from there, the third. The fourth. All coming to ends, despite my knowledge of the previous. New heirs, new friends, in every one of them, and some losing their lives, never to be seen again. I do my best to not forget their faces, but it hurts every day to not have anyone to share with about them. I cannot... express...
...
I am pulled from the fifth world, at the end of it. Aki - a man you do not remember - was a good friend of ours. He gave up his life knowing full well he would not come with me to the next world if I failed.
[ He tries to continue, but the words briefly catch in his throat before he has to pull his hands away from Vildred, as they start to shake. This is... still quite raw for Ras, obviously. ]
So... I should have... I should... have kept going... for Aki. He was... [ He squeezes his hands into fists in some desperate hope to get them to stop. To settle his emotions. ] He is my dear friend. And I miss him. But you... You held down Acolyte Kayron, and told me to kill him. But in doing so that would kill you, too.
I... I did. I killed you, a-and... I could... I could not...
I did... not want to s-save the world... anymore...
...
So... I... did not.
no subject
Five timelines. Five worlds gone, and Vildred doesn't know if he's from the one immediately proceeding or any after that. How many timelines had they failed? Just how many forward is Vildred's specifically? How would Ras even react to the news that there are more? Because — because if he came from the fifth world, he'd remember all of that. He'd know who Aki is, he'd remember holding Kayron down. But he doesn't. The last thing Vildred remembers is telling Ras that he'd go handle Kayron alone, and then he was slashed across the face, and...
...he puts his hand against the scar over his face for a moment, wondering if that may have been lights out. Hearing that he's died to Kayron multiple times doesn't exactly fill him with confidence. The scar throbs when he thinks about it, and so Vildred folds his hands in his lap before opting to clasp Ras' hands in his again. No, Ras isn't allowed to go anywhere; Vildred didn't say he could.]
Ras...
[He doesn't want to take people's sacrifices lying down. But at the same time, he feels so strangely moved by how deeply Ras loves him, has always loved him. It's an honour, to be so thoroughly beloved by anybody, especially Ras Elclare. Especially him.]
...you've been carrying a lot. I'm sorry that... any of that happened. That we failed so many times. [Because it was never just Ras' fault, was it? Vildred was always there, too.] I swear, we won't fail the next time.
[Not that he knows that.]
But while we're here... rest. You need a break more than anyone in all the worlds here. You always take care of me, it sounds like, so let me take care of you.
Okay?
I don't have good enough soggy Genesis so-
But on the other hand, this is something that goes against Vildred's very ideals. He had said to Ras that saving the world is... living for those who have died. To continue moving forward in their memory. For Ras to throw that all away...
He would hate me. Ras is so very sure about this. So, no, he does not think Vildred will yell. Vildred does not handle his emotions very well, but he is usually pretty level when it comes to things like rage. He would be angry, and would tell Ras he should probably go. Or maybe he would break up with him on the spot and say something "if you really knew me, you wouldn't have done that". Or maybe something more like, "then you should know how disgusted I am to hear you would do something like that".
He expects this. He doesn't know if his heart can take it. All that talk beforehand about the first world? All just cushion. No, he deserves to know that, too. All just stupid excuses. It wasn't excuses, it was explanations. "I love you, please don't hate me". Pathetic. Stop it.
...
When Vildred gently takes Ras' hands is when the Heir himself breaks. He sobs in a way that he hadn't since the first world. It isn't just tears. It isn't soft crying. He full on sobs and eventually buries his face into Vildred. He does not deserve this. Vildred has every right to hate him.
He would not blame him, or even ask Diche to damn everyone if he had. But he very well might devote himself to doing better until he could see Vildred smile again. That's all he wants. All he needs. So long as he can protect that smile... ]
...I'm sorry. [ He manages. ] I'm so sorry. [ For once, he's at a loss for anything else to say. ]
no subject
He hadn't ever considered that he might mean something more to someone than simply a pawn in a war.
Vildred embraces him, setting his cheek atop Ras' head, squeezing the much smaller Heir in his arms. Like this, Ras feels impossibly fragile.]
It's alright. More than anyone, you deserve to cry. I wasn't... thinking, I guess, that I would mean so much to someone so important as you. I might have been more cautious with my life if I had.
no subject
I... [ Deep breath. You need to calm down if you want to speak, Ras. ] It is not your fault. It is my own. [ He will not squeeze Vildred, for he is hurting and bruised. But it doesn't stop him from reaching behind Vildred and squeezing the headboard until his hand hurt. ] I was the one to seek you out in every timeline. It did not feel right when you were not at my side. I felt antsy, anxious, paranoid. I had to figure out if you had a different role in this world, or what factors might affect you.
[ He visibly shakes as his gem fluctuates in light, both from the magic suppression and his intense emotion right now. ]
And that made you stuck with me. Orbis was plagued with war, and I ingrained you into it by being around me.
no subject
[Vildred starts to rub Ras' back, trying to will him to breathe, to calm down and think. It's a difficult battle, but he's sure Ras can do it. He believes.]
We Dayerns are knights. Our entire family is basically raised for it. I was picking up practice swords when I was four and could barely walk without tripping over myself. No matter what happened, you didn't drag me into this unending war. I would have stumbled into it regardless, because that's what knights do. We protect people. We're supposed to fight in wars, even if I'd rather they don't exist at all.
If I have to be in a war at all... I'd much rather fight it at your side. Your light makes everything easier on me.
no subject
I do not understand how you, of all people, can say that.
...You were never a Saint in any of the Worlds. [ He closes his eyes. ] But you could have been. Your angelic smile could never be recreated by statue, yet I would find faith in it every time.