Hey. [Luca's hand lifts, threading into Pavlova's hair.] Whatever it is you are afraid of, I highly doubt the people here will let it come to pass. Too many of us care for you to let something like that happen.
[Luca winces, but does not argue. They've had this conversation before, after all. His attention instead shifts to the rest of what Pavlova has to say.]
I cannot say I have. But... if you want to tell me about it, I will listen.
[ They've had it and his consensus will not change easily because he's been beaten down by it for a very long time. ]
My master is like that, kind of. You don't see her get angry often.
[ He holds a little tighter. Just talking about this seems scary. ]
When I was really little she was the sweetest person you could meet. She helped people, cared deeply for them. But she could never keep them happy long because the outside world was so dangerous. They'd always get hurt, or there'd be a disaster or an illness. So... the Garden was made. A safe haven where Cookies wanted for nothing. But... the thing is, once you go in, you never really leave. She says you can go, but if you do monsters attack and send you right back into her arms.
[ he shudders ]
It's not just that. If you're too disruptive to the garden's peace there are... other things. Surely all they need is a nice long nap in a jam jar, never to wake up again? Or in some cases she would just-- turn them into statues. I remember looking at them and wondering if... if they were still conscious in there. If they had to sit in that eternal peace unmoving for thousands of years...
She doesn't seem scary, she doesn't voice threats. She doesn't need to.
[Luca has heard of a great many horrors, both back home and in this realm. None of them quite compared to the story that Pavlova weaves. He finds his hand dropping to the younger boy's shoulder, then curling around him as if he might somehow provide a shield from those very memories.]
It sounds... [He trails off. Nothing could ever put his thoughts into words.]
No wonder you have been so afraid, being in this place. Departing alone was an act of defiance, even if it was against your will.
She had eyes everywhere in the Garden. If someone tried to run she would know. If someone is unhappy she would know. Being her... her son doesn't make me immune.
[It's a story that hits far too close to home. Luca can't help but think of Kiera, of the way they'd grown up fearing their mother. Back then, he'd been blind to their reality, but he still would have given all he could to protect them.
And in the end, he had. At least, as far as Kiera remembered.]
My sibling... they grew up very similarly to you. I think you two would have a lot in common, if you ever felt safe talking to them.
At this point, you are practically family. So that hardly makes you strangers.
[Luca's tone sounds vaguely amused, but his expression sobers relatively quickly. He understands where Pavlova is coming from.]
If you would like, I can broach the subject. [As he says it, though, his face stretches into a grimace.] ... After this month, at least. I think they are still upset with me.
[ He looks. Surprised by that assertion. He doesn't really think he's done anything worth considering him family over.
He thinks back to Hollyberry Cookie and the other Hollyberrians, how they'd regard him with suspicion, how Hollyberry would imply he was a nuisance to be around. He hides his face, unsure how to feel. ]
It'd probably be better if you did it. Why are they mad, though?
[Luca takes Pavlova's shifts to be little more than fluster, and gently pats his back about it. It's something he can relate to — being subjected to legitimate affection after being starved for it made for a rather overwhelming experience.
Of course, he does not know the depth of Pavlova's doubt. Nor does he know if it would change anything, in the long run.]
Kiera has... never been abundantly supportive of my relationship with River. They believe I could do better. [That... isn't wholly honest, though. Despite everything, he feels guilty not giving them the benefit of the doubt.] They had the misfortune of walking in on one of our fights, once, and have never quite seen him as anything more than their brother's killer.
[ To be wholly and entirely honest Pavlova is sure Luca could do better. Mostly because he's seen as much. But wrenches keep being thrown in his love life. This guy truly cannot win. ]
So... They're mad you still have feelings?
[ No softening that one at all. Even complicated feelings are feelings. ]
Of having feelings for him general. Either now or then.
[Namely ones relating to River, though Kiera would surely frown at him for how emotional he could get over pretty much anything. Then again, he knows he isn't being particularly fair in this moment.]
In any case, they think I am going to willingly throw myself into death, now that I have been given the option.
I'd be mad if you went and got yourself killed too. I...
[ He bites his tongue, opting to just hug him tighter than finish that sentence. He's pretty sure he's been abandoned- he can't find his father or step mom, and as much as he said the forest had no reason to lie, he's still upset they would risk that. ]
Mm. Well it's something you guys will have to talk about eventually. I don't think you want another wedge between you...
Why does everyone assume I would be the one to die?
[It's asked with a level of mirth within his voice, but it strikes at his ego all the same. River is a powerful foe — one that Luca has never won against. But that was when they were both at the command of their Beasts. Mortal as they currently are, he should stand a chance.
None of this he says out loud. His shoulders slump as he sighs out any of his frustration. Pavlova, after all, makes a good point.]
I do not, no. It feels as if I have only just got them back.
[But even now, he does not know how to make them see the side of River that Luca believes in.]
Mm, because I can't imagine you wanting to kill someone you're fond of, and I don't know him enough to say the same for him. Maybe you could, but you probably wouldn't.
[ Luca has the designation of being very niceys. ]
It might... take time. But The way I've done it is by listing specific instances of behavior that work with what I'm trying to get across. Like him being nice to kids?
[Or perhaps, Luca was different, back when he was so tangled up in River. He cannot deny that the emissary appeals to a far more violent side of himself. Meeting him had come at a time when Luca was at his most desperate, when he had learned that so very many of his beliefs had been naught more than lies.
Luca might have made great strides when it came to his emotional state, but it wasn't as if that part of him had simply gone away.]
... I think I will try that though. Thank you, Pavlova.
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[ His voice is so... soft. Like talking too loud would catch her attention ]
Have you... ever known anyone who was... really really nice until you upset them?
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I cannot say I have. But... if you want to tell me about it, I will listen.
cw: implied former psychological abuse
My master is like that, kind of. You don't see her get angry often.
[ He holds a little tighter. Just talking about this seems scary. ]
When I was really little she was the sweetest person you could meet. She helped people, cared deeply for them. But she could never keep them happy long because the outside world was so dangerous. They'd always get hurt, or there'd be a disaster or an illness. So... the Garden was made. A safe haven where Cookies wanted for nothing. But... the thing is, once you go in, you never really leave. She says you can go, but if you do monsters attack and send you right back into her arms.
[ he shudders ]
It's not just that. If you're too disruptive to the garden's peace there are... other things. Surely all they need is a nice long nap in a jam jar, never to wake up again? Or in some cases she would just-- turn them into statues. I remember looking at them and wondering if... if they were still conscious in there. If they had to sit in that eternal peace unmoving for thousands of years...
She doesn't seem scary, she doesn't voice threats. She doesn't need to.
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It sounds... [He trails off. Nothing could ever put his thoughts into words.]
No wonder you have been so afraid, being in this place. Departing alone was an act of defiance, even if it was against your will.
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She had eyes everywhere in the Garden. If someone tried to run she would know. If someone is unhappy she would know. Being her... her son doesn't make me immune.
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And in the end, he had. At least, as far as Kiera remembered.]
My sibling... they grew up very similarly to you. I think you two would have a lot in common, if you ever felt safe talking to them.
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[ Reasons he still hasn't gone to therapy, honestly. ]
Not that I disagree, but they don't really know me.
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[Luca's tone sounds vaguely amused, but his expression sobers relatively quickly. He understands where Pavlova is coming from.]
If you would like, I can broach the subject. [As he says it, though, his face stretches into a grimace.] ... After this month, at least. I think they are still upset with me.
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He thinks back to Hollyberry Cookie and the other Hollyberrians, how they'd regard him with suspicion, how Hollyberry would imply he was a nuisance to be around. He hides his face, unsure how to feel. ]
It'd probably be better if you did it. Why are they mad, though?
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Of course, he does not know the depth of Pavlova's doubt. Nor does he know if it would change anything, in the long run.]
Kiera has... never been abundantly supportive of my relationship with River. They believe I could do better. [That... isn't wholly honest, though. Despite everything, he feels guilty not giving them the benefit of the doubt.] They had the misfortune of walking in on one of our fights, once, and have never quite seen him as anything more than their brother's killer.
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So... They're mad you still have feelings?
[ No softening that one at all. Even complicated feelings are feelings. ]
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[Namely ones relating to River, though Kiera would surely frown at him for how emotional he could get over pretty much anything. Then again, he knows he isn't being particularly fair in this moment.]
In any case, they think I am going to willingly throw myself into death, now that I have been given the option.
[And they're not particularly wrong about it.]
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[ He bites his tongue, opting to just hug him tighter than finish that sentence. He's pretty sure he's been abandoned- he can't find his father or step mom, and as much as he said the forest had no reason to lie, he's still upset they would risk that. ]
Mm. Well it's something you guys will have to talk about eventually. I don't think you want another wedge between you...
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[It's asked with a level of mirth within his voice, but it strikes at his ego all the same. River is a powerful foe — one that Luca has never won against. But that was when they were both at the command of their Beasts. Mortal as they currently are, he should stand a chance.
None of this he says out loud. His shoulders slump as he sighs out any of his frustration. Pavlova, after all, makes a good point.]
I do not, no. It feels as if I have only just got them back.
[But even now, he does not know how to make them see the side of River that Luca believes in.]
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[ Luca has the designation of being very niceys. ]
It might... take time. But The way I've done it is by listing specific instances of behavior that work with what I'm trying to get across. Like him being nice to kids?
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[Or perhaps, Luca was different, back when he was so tangled up in River. He cannot deny that the emissary appeals to a far more violent side of himself. Meeting him had come at a time when Luca was at his most desperate, when he had learned that so very many of his beliefs had been naught more than lies.
Luca might have made great strides when it came to his emotional state, but it wasn't as if that part of him had simply gone away.]
... I think I will try that though. Thank you, Pavlova.