You'd better watch out, You'd better watch out, YOU'D BETTER W-

[lupusxylem]

Who: Nicholas D. Wolfwood and YOU
What: Saint Nick is coming to town and he's bringing you a present whether you like it or not-
When: It's CHRISTMAS TIME BAYBEE
Where: Wherever your character is you cannot escape
Warnings: Wolfwood's big mouth otherwise N/A, will mark in individual threads if needed!
[You know...it's been a year since he's done this. A year since he showed up. And, to be honest, Wolfwood didn't think he'd be here long enough to be conscripted to do it again.

...Hell, he didn't think he'd be ASKED to do this again. It's not like he makes a very cheerful Saint Nick.

But! He is here!! Wolfwood has actually been up early (which his partners will have noticed, they will have found him just entirely missing that morning no matter how early they woke), first taking a pitstop at Ydalir's to grab up his sack of presents. There are so many more this year than the last, and it's a good thing he has Moder as his steed to help him carry them on her back. He's dressed the part, with a heavy hat that looks kindof silly since he doesn't usually wear them, and a pair of snowboots to match. Last year he was missing the beard, but this year he's actually grown his facial hair out longer than usual. Not a full-on beard, but just on the edge, to the point where it's definitely noticeable. One thing he has this year that he didn't last year is his trusty companion Angelina, who is running through the snow like :D??!!! EXCITED, so you will get to greet her when you receive your gift (if you do not like dogs she will be omitted from the equation, Wolfwood will have her stay outside, she's a very good girl who can be patient and wait with Moder if needed).

You'd better watch out.]

Comments

[eidxiety]

[Zahliya's at max-strength now bucko you're being fucking CLEANSED OF SIN whether you like it or not.

Ain does feel bad. He feels awful he had to go to these lengths, he feels terrible he had to make Wolfwood go through that, but it's for the best. His poor Wolfwood... his poor darling.

He swings his tail over the back of the pew and uses the feathery end of it to brush Wolfwood's tears away.]

...sorry. It was the only way you could be fixed.

[lupusxylem]

[Well…it’s not like Wolfwood hasn’t felt similar pain, of being burned, electrocuted, healed and repeat. But at least in this case, it was just once. One massive burst of flames and agony, before silence and calm quiet.

He’s thankful for that, at least. He only heard the voice for but a moment, yet the words still itch in the back of his mind.

Your new master. It makes him feel sick.

He blinks blearily up at Ain, unwilling to get up yet as he feels him brush his cheeks, his first clue into the fact he’d been crying.]

S’it gone…?

[eidxiety]

[How do you say "you briefly became a bonfire" politely? Uh—]

...yeah, Mr. Gargoyle said it was gone. I have no reason not to believe him... even though Mr. Plant didn't believe me when I told him that Mr. Gargoyle fixed him, too. But whatever.

[He will move his tail back, still looking down at Wolfwood over the pew.]

Maybe you should just go to bed. Or rest. Or something.

[Even despite Ain's "we'll talk later :)" ominous message.]

[lupusxylem]

[Yeah…Wolfwood has not forgotten that.

He blinks slowly, reaching up a hand to stiffly rub at the side of his face. He has a miserable headache now, but he isn’t feeling that thrum in it anymore. That urge to sequester himself, and to succumb to the voice. But even with one problem solved, that doesn’t mean Wolfwood is out of the woods (lol) yet.]

Mmh…if I do, can I see you later?

[He is…not feeling good exactly about the prospect of talking, but he wants Ain to know he’s still going to.]

[eidxiety]

Yeah. You should come by... [And then he pauses, thinks, because he really doesn't need Ezell hearing this (or feeling Ain's feelings) and of all the people he wouldn't want to argue around, Flamebringer is top of the list, so...] My inn room. The one Dachie commandeers these days.

Just... whenever you're ready. I'll be there. I've gotta take care of the orchids in there anyway.

[He's still upset, but he's not unsympathetic to Wolfwood's situation. He reaches down and brushes a hand through his hair, relieved that Wolfwood feels "normal" again, like, no ears no tail no nothin'... and then heads off into the snow.

The starfruit tarts remain forgotten. Wolfwood can simply feed them to the birds if he wants.

...

Hours later, Ain is in his inn room on the sofa, and the door is slightly ajar so Wolfwood knows he can come in.]

[lupusxylem]

[His inn room…it’s been a while. Wolfwood nods, rubbing his face again but still not getting up.]

I’ll be there soon.

[Because honest to God, he needs to fall asleep here for like an hour on the pew. Just let him die for a while, he’ll be fine. He definitely wakes up cold and covered in pigeons since they flew down to peck at the tarts, so those go to them. It’s a shame, because Wolfwood knows Ain brought those for him…

He’s gotta fix this. Somehow.

Before he heads back, he checks to make sure Angelina got inside okay and isn’t still running wild in the snow before heading for the Inn, up to where he remembers Ain’s room being. He sees the door ajar, but raps the frame lightly with his knuckles to announce his presence anyway.]

Ain?

[eidxiety]

I'm here.

[He's got a book, but the room is largely in some state of disarray. This is mainly the Dachie Room now, minus where Ain grows some indoor plants, and good lord that pothos has stretched around the entire perimeter of the living room since he got it. It has been Growin'. The carpets, though, are all messed up, and there are blankets and pillows on the floor, thanks to Dachie getting random zoomies and just going hog wild most of the time.

There are no animals right now, though. Just Ain, his books, and Wolfwood.]

Close the door behind you.

[...]

I also don't know where to start with this sort of thing. I guess I finally realised how I feel about certain things... with regards to us and our relationship, and your habits of acting first and thinking later. The lying thing?

...

Maybe I should start with the way I'm always "second best" in your eyes, though. Compared to the others.

[lupusxylem]

[Wolfwood will close the door as he’s told, and honestly once he’s in here he’s not sure if he should sit in a chair, or stand, or try to sit next to Ain, or where is best to go. He feels an Energy that isn’t good, and that is amplified by the jolt of anxiety he gets from the way Ain starts.

Okay maybe he’ll just stay standing for now, he thinks.

He looks at Ain, his expression shifting between silent concern to genuine surprise. It’s enough to make his eyes widen, a fraction.]

…What? I don’t think you’re “second best”. What makes you say that?

[eidxiety]

[Ain is shutting his book and sitting up properly on the couch, fixing Wolfwood with an unreadable look.]

A few things, actually. I started thinking about it after... I mean, obviously Ezell and I are together, but you knew that. [That was very established at October at least when those two came to rescue Ain from his own evil clone, if not sooner because timelines are fuzzy-wuzzy here.] Ezell and I live with Ezell's other boyfriend, the annoying aggressive one. We all have our own rooms, but we switch off who sleeps with Ezell, and it's a pretty fair system. And that all got me thinking...

Well, I don't mind not living with you, but tell me why you didn't care enough to invite me into your own house when we started dating months earlier? Tell me why you only come over and sleep over when we have sex, and only then? Why do you lie so much? You prioritize how everyone but me feels. You did it in the church, then pulled your hands off my wings and said "oh sorry, I can't actually do this, I have to go ask permission first" when maybe permission should've been asked before you did that.

When everyone thinks of you, they don't think of me and you, they think of you and the others because you don't give me half as much as you give them. And you know what, I got a taste of actually having you last month, when I was all fucked up in the head because of walking into the woods, and it was great! It felt amazing! But you're not actually like that! The one time you invited me into your house was because I was having a panic attack and I felt like I didn't belong, and honestly? If I set foot in there now, I still won't!

Sometimes, it really feels like you only want me because I'll sleep with you.

[lupusxylem]

[Wolfwood, genuinely, isn't sure what he was expecting Ain to say. He had been bracing himself for...something. Before he'd been talking about Wolfwood's missteps in their relationship, his difficulties with being honest, and all...and for as much as he doesn't want to immediately jump to the catastrophic route, his brain has been screaming at him to be prepared to be dumped. Just, be ready, just in case.

So, somehow, what he does end up saying is...weirdly worse than being flat out told to go fuck himself. The insinuation that he doesn't care about Ain as much as he does his other partners, the accusation that he only cares about him for the sex. It's such a stunning thing to hear that he's left wordless for a good few moments, not for lack of wanting to respond, just...

He doesn't even know where to begin.]

...I'll admit that the way I handled things in the church was wrong. I fucked up, there. I tried to make up for that. I thought I had.

[His expression twists, and for as much as it's turned into his usual deep scowl, there's something distinctly hurt in there, too.]

But I've never just wanted you for sex. I didn't get that impression, cause I thought-

[He stumbles on his words, briefly, then backtracks and starts again, bringing a hand to his chest.]

I thought you liked bein' with me like that, too. Ain, you're one of the only things in this Grove that keeps me fuckin' going anymore. And you think I don't care about you?

[...]

...I didn't know you felt that way.

[eidxiety]

I'm not good at this whole... thing. The whole feelings thing. I don't know what's supposed to be normal. I thought that it was. But I don't...

[He's so defeated. Ain almost wants to backpedal and apologise, please don't leave he's sorry he still loves you he'll put up with it, but he has to stamp down the neediness just this once to get through this discussion or he feels like he's gonna explode.

Instead, he scrubs at his eyes, looking certifiably miserable but not wanting to break down in case it makes him look worse.]

I don't know. It feels like when you say you're going home to your partners, it never means me. And I'm not asking you to change it now, because it's too late into the game. I just want to know why you never offered to let me move in with you. Is it because we're from separate worlds and this whole thing isn't gonna work when we get to leave anyway? [...] I'm just tired of feeling second best, I guess. I'm the only one from another world. I don't have the relationships everyone else has with each other.

...

It was stupid to bring it up. We don't have to worry about going home right now anyway, so I don't know why I'm stuck on it.

[lupusxylem]

[As much as Ain's words hurt, and made him even a bit angry, the way he suddenly folds and backpedals isn't much better. It makes him feel like...he's not sure. Like Ain is afraid to talk to him. Like he thinks that Wolfwood is liable to just drop him at the drop of a hat for voicing his feelings and concerns, which...Wolfwood has been the one to (briefly) break things off before, but it wasn't over hard talks. It was a lot more complicated than that.

Ain is feeling things that even he wasn't aware of and- in turn- Wolfwood is only becoming aware of them now.

His shoulders relax just a little, and though he can definitely feel his guard is still up, he also feels that therapy working. God damn, his fucking therapy.]

...can I sit with you? I don't like feelin' like I'm talkin' to you from across the room. Then I'll try to explain.

And by the way, it ain't stupid. I just wish I'd known sooner.

[eidxiety]

Yeah, you can sit with me. Here... [And he moves his book, and all the extra pillows, out of the way.] I didn't know how I felt either. A lot of it in hindsight was me stamping it all down, I think. I don't know, I'm not good at this, like I said. I don't have expectations until I realise that there's something that needs to change, and then I get mad that it could have been that way. I think feeling lied to about the Corruption thing set it off, even though that was just today.

[He grabs one of the pillows, stuffs it against his chest, and then brings his knees up to it. Squishing it, folding into himself. He wishes his emotions worked in ways he understood, but they never do. He's gotten this far, and it's catastrophic, how bad he feels.

Ain... does not understand a single goddamn thing. He just wants to be loved, that's really all it adds up to. Loved, and not lied to.]

[lupusxylem]

[With permission granted, Wolfwood will make his way over and sink carefully into a sit next to Ain on the bed. He's manspreading a little, just because that's what how he does when he sits. Do not mistake him, he is. Anxious, currently. But he's trying really hard to put into practice the things Mizuki has taught him during therapy. Breathing exercises, mentally counting things in the room to ground himself, that sort of thing.

He is! Historically also shit when it comes to talking about his feelings! But he likes to think he's gotten better...he thinks he's managed to mediate things in the past with those he's been up in arms with for whatever reason. His relationships...

A heavy sigh escapes him as he tries to think of where to start.]

M'sorry I didn't say anything when it first came up. If it helps at all, I didn't tell anybody. Not just you.

[Not Ain, not Vash, not Livio. Nobody knows. Well, except Ain and Zahliya, now.]

I... [...] I don't...really know why I didn't offer. I didn't think of it at the time. Not...it ain't because I didn't want you to live with me, or nothin' like that. It definitely ain't that.

[He doesn't know exactly how to put it into words. It feels shitty of him no matter how he tries to speak around it, prompting him to life a hand to rub the back of his neck, averting his gaze to the wall.]

I'm certain Vash and Liv woulda' welcomed you with open arms. I know they think the world of you, too. I'm really...I wish I had. I didn't mean t'make you feel...excluded. Or like I didn't care about you as much.

[...]

That's a real shitty answer. But I'm still tryin' to figure out just...how I am, I guess. Like...it ain't like I got much time left even if I do leave this place.

[His expression falls, just a little.]

I wanna spend as much of that time with you all as I can. Us fuckin' when we're together wasn't supposed to come off as "oh, I just wanna fuck this guy and dip". I sleep with you because I love you so much that I wanna give you everything... [He brings that hand from his neck to rub down the side of his face.] ...is there any way I can fix this?

[eidxiety]

[For as much as "Idk I didn't think about it" doesn't help Ain feel better, he at least doesn't feel... worse? Hell, it could've been something awful like "I didn't want you to" or something, so there's that. Ain still struggles with the need to backtrack, that "haha teehee just kidding don't go anywhere I'm good :)" thing that his brain wants to do because he's so desperate for human interaction that he fears, yes, one wrong thing or one voiced complaint will make Wolfwood decide he isn't worth it.

He doesn't know better. Hard to know how these things are supposed to go when his default group is so tight-knit that fights don't actually do anything to them, but once upon a time, Add tried to leave when the going got too tough — and the reality of "things will change one day" has never sat right with Ain's anxious ass.

For what it's worth, he scoots closer to Wolfwood and leans into him, still clinging to that one pillow.]

...yeah. I was wondering if you could avoid fate by going to Elrios. I dunno, it's dumb, you probably don't want to.

[...]

I just want you to stay over tonight, I guess. No sleeping together like that, just a normal sleepover. I don't have much to do in my room, but it might help. Or maybe we could have a proper "date". There's not much to do here, but...

I dunno. I love you too. I'm sorry.

[lupusxylem]

[Wolfwood is silent for a moment, because he still feels like...something's not quite right. He can definitely sense that nervous energy from Ain, this want to please and pacify as opposed to really sussing out the root of the issue. Thing is though, it's never been anything malicious on Wolfwood's part. It's not "I didn't want you to". It's more...the fact that Wolfwood is human, and he's never had one boyfriend let alone three, so he's fucked up over and over and over with all three of them. Hell, he's had COUNTLESS fights and full-on breakups with Vash, and they're still kindof struggling to see eye-to-eye as it is. Livio has the benefit of being his childhood friend, which helps to alleviate things a bit...but still.

He's well aware that he has a lot of things to work on, and that he needs to do better. He's hurt people loads of times, but wallowing in it doesn't fix it as much as "I will try to be better" can.

When Ain leans into him, Wolfwood returns the contact, resting their heads together.]

I never said I didn't want to. I can't really say I know what I'd do.

[He doesn't have the proper context yet for his "death". Just the knowledge that it happens, it's coming, and it could be tomorrow or ten years away. Maybe he dies with a whisper, maybe he's blown up, maybe he gets shot to death and this time doesn't wake up. Hell if he knows.

Fuck. His body aches from having the corruption burnt out of it, and his head hurts still. He can feel his eyes too heavy in his head, and the edges of his vision is all still blurry.]

I wanna stay over. [He says lowly.] I will. Any time you want. For any reason you want. You can come over to the house too, any time. I think Angelina would like seein' you more.

[And then, after a tentative pause, he turns his head a little to kiss Ain's temple.]

I really am sorry I hurt you. I didn't know.

[eidxiety]

[Ain is bad at this and has way too much anxiety to not backpedal because what if!! He's the wrong one!!! What would Elsword do he NEEDS his little guy to give him practical advice (Elsword's advice would be to just talk to him like they are now lmao). He has no idea how to person aaaaAAAAAA!!!

He's still not sure how he feels about going to Wolfwood's, but it's... a start. He might vibrate through the ceiling like "do I actually belong here" despite the amount of flirting he does with the others, but like, that's his natural anxiety speaking and not logic. Which, by the way, he is proficient in panic attacks! Yaaay!!]

I'll bring my animals. [Sniffles.] So Angie can have friends.

[And maybe he'll ask Enciodes for Unci like hi can i hav ur creechur rq]

...I didn't know either. I'm not good at this. [He knows, Ain, you've said it no less than three times.] I wish I understood the stuff in my head, but I never have. I don't think I ever will. I'm sorry you put up with it.

[He identified jealousy correctly!! He did that much! Aaaand now it's gone because he's just fuckin' sad, man.]

It's okay. I'm sorry I dredged up old stuff. I just felt... blinded, I guess? By how I felt. Which was a lot of things. A lot of choking, suffocating things.

[lupusxylem]

[Noo no sniffle...

Wolfwood turns his head just a little bit more, this time so he can actually look at Ain instead of avoiding his gaze. He won't force Ain to look at him, but he will sort of encourage it by trying to look at his eyes.]

I ain't good at talkin' about this shit either. S'why squirt has me in therapy.

[Because! You know!! He isn't a functioning human being. He needs help, even if he has a better understanding of feelings than Ain does, at this point in his adult life.]

You ain't gotta apologize. I just...

I promise I'll talk to you about this stuff more. But you gotta promise to talk to me, too. Even when you feel like it's nothin', or some small thing. Okay?

[It's like how Vash had to tell Wolfwood "hey, when you agree with me when I put myself down, that kindof feels bad so maybe don't", because he didn't know it was hurting his feelings until he was told.]

[eidxiety]

[Ain's eyes are red in that way that says he wants to cry but has been biting back his feelings like NO!! CRYING MAKES YOU LOOK BAD!!! the entire time. So yes, sniffle.]

What if I don't know what I'm feeling? I don't know what's normal. I only realised I was upset for real today. Anything else I sort of stamped down, or assumed that's how it was supposed to be and was acting mad about nothing. Aren't you going to hate being with someone who doesn't know what's going on half the time?

[lupusxylem]

You think I know what's goin' on half the time? Or anybody else?

[Edging a little bit closer, Wolfwood finally finds the courage to reach out and gently cup the side of Ain's face. Again, he's not forcing anything...just holding him like this, brushing a thumb over his cheekbone.]

I need you to understand that it's okay to feel shit. That's kinda what bein' a person is about. Even if it's not good, what you're feelin'...it's normal.

...ugh. Now you got me soundin' like squirt.

[UGH!]

What I'm sayin' is that I ain't gonna hate you for that. And you shouldn't bottle shit up...that's what causes this sorta thing to happen. Misunderstandings...

[...]

I need to practice what I preach. M'gonna try to be better about not doin' that too.

[eidxiety]

[Ain is making the exact face I have as the icon rn when he looks at Wolfwood. Sad, pathetic, wet little bug.]

Yes, because you're the human one, not me. I only got these emotions in the last couple years, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, or thinking, or doing. This is an instinct thing to humans, isn't it?

I don't want to argue with you about things. Especially dumb misunderstanding things. Even if I feel gross, aren't you going to get tired and leave because you don't want someone who's a little jealous clinging to you?? That's what happens in the books!

[ain put the books down]

[lupusxylem]

I know you ain't human.

[Okay he's actively cupping Ain's face with both hands now, gently squishing his cheeks together. If Ain didn't look like a sad wet bug BEFORE...]

But that don't change the fact you have these emotions now. And just like everyone else, you gotta give yourself time to learn how they work, and understand how t'deal with 'em. I don't expect you to know how to act when you feel one way or the other. That'd be like you yellin' at me if I got wings tomorrow and didn't immediately know how to fly with 'em.

[He brings one hand up, carefully brushing Ain's bangs off his forehead.]

You're forgettin' that I've spent most of my life in a world where very little shit makes sense, anymore. I'm human, sure...but a lot of my upbringin' hasn't really felt "normal". And you're far from the only non-human in my life, at this point. And I'd love to think we just sprung into bein', havin' shit figured out, but that ain't how it works for the human race. Animals got us beat when it comes to "instinct".

[eidxiety]

[Sad and wet and PATHETIC!!!]

But humans are animals... [Ain, no,] Mm... okay. I guess, if you say so. M'sorry... I really am trying. I really do love you a lot, and I don't want to feel sad anymore.

[He's going to briefly tear himself out of Wolfwood's grip, only because he needs to rub at his eyes in some bid to stop feeling so... he doesn't know, over-dramatic? Emotional??? Way too emotional.]

[lupusxylem]

[Wolfwood allows it, letting Ain pull away as he scrubs at his eyes. But...the sight makes his chest tighten again, and although he won't reach out to try to pull him back...]

S'okay if you need to cry. Yaknow.

[eidxiety]

Noooo...

[Rubbing his eyes harder, maybe if he buries his tears in the fur on his sleeves he'll be less teary.]

I don't need to... I don't do that. [Babe you are literally doing that right now.] I just want a hug, that's all. I'll be fine.