( lily is quiet, shrinking shamefully under his gaze, like the injuries she sustained are something dirty, or wrong. it's- it's hard. but she leans against him and inhales- )
I tried to continue our research into Oripathy with- with Truthless Recluse Cookie. But it was in the wake of grief, and he has been... he tried. But he's still... different. ... I wasn't ready. But I couldn't admit it.
When we tried, I saw visions of Shadow Milk Cookie. It scared me, and I lost control of the threads.
( that is... also shameful to admit, as the new guardian. )
[ He pulls her back in against him, tucks her tight as she leans in, strokes up and down her back soothingly under her braid. His frown grows heavier and his heart aches. He wishes he had been there.
And he feels her shame, the way she shrinks in on herself, and shakes his head. ]
Oh, love, do not blame yourself. Do not let it eat at you. There are always truths we hide from ourself, and the biggest one is that we are ready to move on when we are not. I am sorry I was not there for you, I fear I am not yet strong enough and there are many things I must come to terms with before I am, but I beg you. Forgive yourself.
( lily carries crimes from their school days on her shoulders still- granted, that was... pretty cataclysmic. but the point stands- the only cloak she wears more than her actual cloak is the one cast from her sins, guilt that she can't let go of, because she can't make up for it no matter how hard she tries.
lily holds onto him, though- if she lets go, will she lose him again? )
[ Boy, does he. Yet someday he hopes she will be able to look at herself in the mirror, and tell herself she's sorry. Until then, he will hold her and forgive her for her. Squeeze her like he can fit her broken pieces back together. ]
I will be back, my love. I promise you. There is nothing that can keep me away for long.
[ He turns to rest his head against hers, the memory around them beginning to feel strained. There's only so much he can do against the brand, especially while as worn as he is. ]
Do not give up hope. You and Cacao both. I love you, White Lily Cookie. Promise me you will yet keep faith.
[ Oh that hurts, his rebuilding heart tightening like it's about to shatter in his chest all over again. But he understands. He's... seen the memories. Here and there. What has happened. How they hurt around each other.
But he shakes his head, tightens his hold on her like he can meld them together. ]
I understand, my love. But forgive me for being stubborn and saying no.
[ He smiles a little, turning his face in against her hair. The memory of a scent. ]
I have lost you too many times already to allow it to happen again. When I am back, we will talk. We have so much to say, and I fear we have shied away from it all. We hurt because we try to save each other.
( lily balks, because. well. what do you mean 'no'- especially in the wake of what she's seen in these memories! and she's been horrid, always, even when she tries-
... and yet, she can't break away.
... )
... All I've ever done is cause pain... And you have been no different. Even though I want to...
[ No is no. Pure Vanilla refuses. This is his wife. This is the woman he's loved since he was a child. He squeezes her softly to him, shaking his head. ]
Have I not caused you pain as well? I did not speak up back at the Academy, I pulled away instead. I did not follow you, when I desperately wished to, fearing what was to be found. We have both struggled to keep the other safe, and all we've done is-
[ He sighs and shakes his head again, smiling. ]
We will talk, my heart, upon my return. I will hold nothing back from you anymore. I love you. I truly love you, and we have lived a very long time. Life has it's hardships, and as for as much love as there is there is pain, but we will get through it. Together, my love.
( she can't even begrudge him for walking away, back then- look what she'd done, what she'd do in the future. how many of his lines has she crossed? and yet... and yet... and yet.
lily's breath hitches and she wraps her arms around vanilla's neck, burying her face into the crook. )
Don't keep me waiting much longer, I beg of you...
[ And his arms go around her waist proper, as he leans his face into her shoulder in return. Tucks her in as tightly as he can in this memory that's fraying at the edges. ]
I promise. I promise, my heart. It won't be much longer. Wait for me.
[ He pulls back to put his hand to her cheeks to move her head so he can give her a soft, sweet kiss. ]
( she wants to beg him to stay, but she can't. she knows it won't work, will only cause more pain... but she holds on still, blinking away hot tears yet again. her eyes hurt, terribly so, and she's so tired of crying. )
... I love you. Please... don't forget this, ever...
And I love you. More than words can say. No matter who I currently am.
[ But he can show her, while the memory falls apart. Shifts the scenes to faded ones of their time together. Of all the times he's watched her, smiled at her, the way his expression always lit up around her.
The way his world always bloomed brighter when she walked into it. It causes him to fade, however, his smile sweet as he turns fuzzy, ghost like, before disappearing and the memories slowly come to a halt. The last one is their reunion in the Faerie Kingdom and the memory of his sheer joy at her opening her eyes. ]
( lily tries to speak, but then things shift again, and for perhaps the first time...
everything makes sense. (doesn't that make her crimes worse?) everything makes sense and her heart hurts so, so badly. but if he says to wait, that he'll return- she will wait.
even as guilt claws its way in, as anxieties rise again, she'll wait.
no subject
I tried to continue our research into Oripathy with- with Truthless Recluse Cookie. But it was in the wake of grief, and he has been... he tried. But he's still... different. ... I wasn't ready. But I couldn't admit it.
When we tried, I saw visions of Shadow Milk Cookie. It scared me, and I lost control of the threads.
( that is... also shameful to admit, as the new guardian. )
The clinic is... repairing itself.
no subject
[ He pulls her back in against him, tucks her tight as she leans in, strokes up and down her back soothingly under her braid. His frown grows heavier and his heart aches. He wishes he had been there.
And he feels her shame, the way she shrinks in on herself, and shakes his head. ]
Oh, love, do not blame yourself. Do not let it eat at you. There are always truths we hide from ourself, and the biggest one is that we are ready to move on when we are not. I am sorry I was not there for you, I fear I am not yet strong enough and there are many things I must come to terms with before I am, but I beg you. Forgive yourself.
no subject
( lily carries crimes from their school days on her shoulders still- granted, that was... pretty cataclysmic. but the point stands- the only cloak she wears more than her actual cloak is the one cast from her sins, guilt that she can't let go of, because she can't make up for it no matter how hard she tries.
lily holds onto him, though- if she lets go, will she lose him again? )
I miss you. So much...
no subject
[ Boy, does he. Yet someday he hopes she will be able to look at herself in the mirror, and tell herself she's sorry. Until then, he will hold her and forgive her for her. Squeeze her like he can fit her broken pieces back together. ]
I will be back, my love. I promise you. There is nothing that can keep me away for long.
[ He turns to rest his head against hers, the memory around them beginning to feel strained. There's only so much he can do against the brand, especially while as worn as he is. ]
Do not give up hope. You and Cacao both. I love you, White Lily Cookie. Promise me you will yet keep faith.
no subject
( it comes out a whisper, a confession just for him and she hates the words tumbling from her tongue. but it's true. )
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But he shakes his head, tightens his hold on her like he can meld them together. ]
I understand, my love. But forgive me for being stubborn and saying no.
[ He smiles a little, turning his face in against her hair. The memory of a scent. ]
I have lost you too many times already to allow it to happen again. When I am back, we will talk. We have so much to say, and I fear we have shied away from it all. We hurt because we try to save each other.
no subject
( lily balks, because. well. what do you mean 'no'- especially in the wake of what she's seen in these memories! and she's been horrid, always, even when she tries-
... and yet, she can't break away.
... )
... All I've ever done is cause pain... And you have been no different. Even though I want to...
no subject
Have I not caused you pain as well? I did not speak up back at the Academy, I pulled away instead. I did not follow you, when I desperately wished to, fearing what was to be found. We have both struggled to keep the other safe, and all we've done is-
[ He sighs and shakes his head again, smiling. ]
We will talk, my heart, upon my return. I will hold nothing back from you anymore. I love you. I truly love you, and we have lived a very long time. Life has it's hardships, and as for as much love as there is there is pain, but we will get through it. Together, my love.
[ Please? ]
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lily's breath hitches and she wraps her arms around vanilla's neck, burying her face into the crook. )
Don't keep me waiting much longer, I beg of you...
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I promise. I promise, my heart. It won't be much longer. Wait for me.
[ He pulls back to put his hand to her cheeks to move her head so he can give her a soft, sweet kiss. ]
I have to go, I fear. I can't hold on any longer.
no subject
... I love you. Please... don't forget this, ever...
no subject
[ But he can show her, while the memory falls apart. Shifts the scenes to faded ones of their time together. Of all the times he's watched her, smiled at her, the way his expression always lit up around her.
The way his world always bloomed brighter when she walked into it. It causes him to fade, however, his smile sweet as he turns fuzzy, ghost like, before disappearing and the memories slowly come to a halt. The last one is their reunion in the Faerie Kingdom and the memory of his sheer joy at her opening her eyes. ]
no subject
everything makes sense. (doesn't that make her crimes worse?) everything makes sense and her heart hurts so, so badly. but if he says to wait, that he'll return- she will wait.
even as guilt claws its way in, as anxieties rise again, she'll wait.
she'll wait. )