sticksandbones | [NETBOOK]

[God, he should NOT ask this publicly, but it's on the page before he can think twice about it.]

What do you mean?

[Thankfully one of them has the sense not to keep this going over the network. He also makes a point of scribbling out some of their previous messages to one another, just in case. It's one thing for Luca to poke fun at Ryan, but if it is some sort of big revelation, then he'd rather not be the one to cause a crisis because he decided to poke a little fun in front of the Phoenix and everyone.]

Perhaps this is better discussed in person?

[SHIT, LUCA'S RIGHT. After a couple more definitely-not-frantic scribbles he manages:]

oh my god yeah! totally!!! You're right this is definitely a bar question not a netbook question I am heading over literally RIGHT now and we don't have to talk about it ANY MORE here in public haha :)

I'll have a drink ready for you. Something sparkling and glowing.

Thank you so much you are literally the best

[And true to his word, he's there in about five minutes. He casually glances around but it's a little early for there to be more of a crowd, so he just heads to the bar and tries to be soooooooooooo normal about this as he takes a seat.]

Hey Luca! You said you have something sparkling and glowing for me?

Of course I do.

[Likewise true to his own word, Luca slides an already made drink over to Ryan. It's a bit hard to pick up on the glow without a blacklight, but it's definitely there. Luca even added some crunchy stars for Ryan's sake, too.

Notably, though, there is no one in the bar. Luca makes sure it stays that way by heading over to lock the door. With things being a bigger deal tha n Luca might have thought, he can't be too cautious, right? Which, speaking of...]

Is this actually something you wish to speak of? If you would rather I never bring it up again, and back off, I gladly will.

[Ryan gladly takes the glass and a good-sized sip out of it for a small boost to his nerves. When Luca comes back from locking the door, he's carefully tilting the glass to make the crunchy little stars spin a little. ]

I don't mind. I mean...I do kind of want to know what you meant about how he was acting? Maybe that's shitty of me though.

[This colors his cheeks and it's far too soon for it to be from the alcohol. He sighs, and lays out a different but probably more likely possibility (or at least, he assumes so).]

Or...maybe there's some kind of misunderstanding I can clear up for him, so he doesn't have to deal with it? [He shrugs.] It's probably the least I could do.

[Luca does crack a half-smile at Ryan's efforts. Maybe it's because he knows his drink was well-received, but it's probably more likely the fact that Ryan's been able to distract himself from whatever gnaws at his mind.]

I don't think it's shitty. When you hold a candle for someone for so long, it's easy to want to find a reason to hope.

[Luca takes a seat on Ryan's side of the bar. He doesn't have a drink for himself, but that's fine. He doesn't really want one, not right now.]

That said, I don't know that it's anything concrete, and perhaps it simply is just having a good friend. I've not really made friends with my own gender. And I know my own best friend well enough to know that she has no interest in me, so it's easy to not misinterpret her efforts. However... [Luca gives a loose shrug.] He seems so willing to bend over backward for you. And the way he does seem to look at you from time to time.

Perhaps I'm a romantic, but it is the kind of way I would want a man to behave toward me, if he truly cared.

[His face falls a little and he glances away at mention of his own feelings for Min-Gi. He's apparently been obvious, so there's no point in denying it anymore. It was never even hope, just desperation for something to hold onto.]

We've...known each other our whole lives. Literally. Like, we were born in the same hospital on the same day. So you'd think that would make him more like a brother, right? But I have brothers, and it's nothing like that at all. He's always been different. ...Special.

[He looks into his drink and the words carved into his ring creep into his mind. My star.]

It's kinda pathetic. I mean, I've known I liked him since we were like thirteen and I still can't let it go? I even tried dating other people, and every time I failed miserably. He's definitely straight though, and one day he's going to go off and get married and have kids and make his family proud of him, and I'll...I dunno.

[Be alone again, probably. He sighs.]

He does care about me. We've been through so much at this point, and literally no one knows me better than he does. But...that doesn't mean he's, you know...

[Luca's sigh is a sad one. The picture Ryan paints is a familiar one.]

He might. I will not pretend that won't happen. I won't even pretend like I have not seen it myself.

[Renova might have been relatively free-thinking, but old habits and traditions died hard. He had seen plenty of people he thought were interested in him become engaged to pretty young women and go off to fulfill their duty to their family name. Others, he'd misread entirely, and never stood a chance with to begin with.

Still, there's something about this that feels... different.]

Perhaps I cannot tell you definitively that Min-Gi feels the same, whether that be toward you or men in general. But can you point to evidence that says the opposite? That he has never been interested in either yourself or other men?

[He leans forward, determined to meet Ryan's eyes, even if he tries to avoid it.]

Have you asked? Have you tried? Not casually toying with the idea, but well and truly brought the matter up? Not even about himself, but his interests.

[He's about to answer how Min-Gi hasn't dated a lot and try to over-explain it, but then Luca leans in and Ryan is floundering for words.]

Wha-- no! No way!

[He shakes his head, hair fluttering.]

Like...first of all, I didn't even think I was hiding my identity from him but Min-Gi didn't figure it out until we showed up here? I mean, look at me!

[He gestures at himself up and down with a wave of his hand. He's always felt like he was obvious, but this actually kind of nice to talk about with someone who gets it, who might actually think it's a little funny.]

We talked it out, and he's cool with me but...our world isn't really cool with queer people at all. There's a lot going on there that's kind of exhausting to get into but it's not nearly as chill as it is here. Sometimes it's kind of scary, actually? So he was nice but like, super uncomfortable talking about it. And I...

[He has to stop and take a deep breath. Just the thought unsettles him, and a good breath will help keep him from bursting into tears about it.]

...I can't. If I tell him and it goes badly, I'll lose everything. My life with him is everything. And if we have to be just friends for us to stay together as long as possible, then we have to be just friends.

[Indeed, Luca does crack a grin at that. Ryan isn't exactly subtle. At the same time, though, he knows that his own eye is well-trained to that sort of thing. He also can't imagine coming from a world where that isn't relatively normal, either. He doubted anyone batted an eye when Aquila married her wife, despite being the highest ranking person in the country. Augustus had bristled at the concept when he was still living, but that was solely for a need to continue on his family line. And if nothing else, he'd backed down easily enough thanks to Cyrus's own pressuring.

Trying to place himself in Min-Gi's shoes, however...]

So, let us consider a different perspective. Someone who is not as honest with himself. Who has experienced a world that invokes real fear for being who they are. And, let's be honest, someone a little thick when it comes to those matters.

[He leans back, drumming his fingers on the counter.]

But that then begs the question: if you've known each other for so long, then Min-Gi should have seen that, right? And looking at the two of you, the only person he knows better than himself is you. So, if he could not recognize that in you, is there a chance he cannot see it in himself yet?

[Still, Luca can understand the sentiment in Ryan's words. He doesn't hesitate to in backing down.]

If having him around means that much to you, and if you truly think the outcome will be so bleak, then I will not pressure you. I... think I can understand, better than most, how hard it is to lose something so important.

[It isn't always easy to put himself in Min-Gi's shoes, despite how long they've known each other. Their upbringings were really different, and Ryan's brain rushes so much that it makes it hard to remember not everyone thinks the way he does. In the last year though, he's gotten better at it. They both have, through hard work and trying.

So he tries hard now, letting Luca guide him.]

Wait, so...you think he's in the closet?

[He sounds unsure, but not totally dismissive. It's not something he ever considered, since his own closet was made of glass.]

I guess it's not impossible? But even if that's true - and that's a HUUUGE "if" because I'm still pretty sure he's straight - he's, um. He's a really nervous person? I used to be a lot worse about pushing him before he's ready for something. I can't do that to him. And...I seriously don't know what I'd do if I wound up having to be by myself again. I don't know what I will do once he marries a girl for his parents someday!

[He drains a little more of his glass with that, but this time he looks to Luca. He feels so weird going on about his own problems as if they're actually real valid problems without letting Luca talk about himself too, and it seems like as good an opening as any.]

You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but...you lost something?

It's possible. To be honest, Ryan, you know him better than I ever could.

[Which, Ryan at least appears to have some semblance of an answer to that. Luca doesn't entirely agree that it's a huge if, but there's still a lot he doesn't know about either of the men.]

There are steps between demanding he confess his feelings or interests, and saying nothing. Perhaps you could broach the subject delicately. You both have a rather minimal knowledge of the things you saw in Night Vale, yes? Perhaps you might approach it as exchanging knowledge. In doing so, maybe he might reveal something about himself. Or learn it.

[A half-grin works its way over his lips.]

Consider the alternative. What would he do if he was closeted, and you let him marry for obligation, rather than love.

[Of course, that smile swiftly fades. He glances away from Ryan, studying the shelves of the bar.]

I suppose it isn't fair to press you into confessing all of your deepest secrets to me and not share a few of my own. Still, I would rather focus on you right now, if that is alright?

[He wasn't expecting that exactly, but after an awkward beat he nods, and offers him a little grin.]

Yeah. Totally. I mean, that would be terrible if I was like "oh you don't have to talk about it" and then turned around and went "No actually that's not alright, tell me EVERYTHING," right? It's fine, man.

[Focusing only on him is a little more uncomfortable but he'll live somehow.]

I've definitely taken some baby steps with that, but he never seems like he wants to talk about it. Night Vale was...like, it's not like I'm totally inexperienced with the scene? I've gotten into so many clubs! [WINK.] But where I'm from the big pride marches are more, I dunno. Political? It's a protest!

[How's that for exchanging knowledge? He finally meanders to the real question at the heart of it all, and thinking about it weighs on him. Before he answers he finishes his drink, stars and all.]

He'd...probably be kind of miserable, huh. Like he always is when he does something he doesn't want to just because he thinks he has to do it for his parents. He'd make himself settle down, get a quote-unquote "real" job that drains his soul away...his wife would probably be nice though. He'd feel like absolute dogshit for not being madly in love with her, but at least she gets along with his mom. And he'd totally agonize over turning into his parents, but he'd still go through all of it because he'd do anything for them.

[And Ryan isn't in the picture, period.]

[Luca gets the faintest feeling it isn't entirely "alright," but he isn't going to press the matter. Not when he isn't all that eager to talk about it. He merely shrugs wordlessly, content to let the subject drop without any urging one way or another.]

It is strange to think of worlds that could be so opposed to something so normal. [But even as he wsays that, he knows much of what he considers normal would be completely foreign to the citizens of the Grove.] That said, I can see why he would be so resistant about it.

No one should have to live in fear of who they are. I cannot imagine it makes it easy on him. Or you, for that matter.

[Luca only gives Ryan a sad smile as he weaves through his tale.]

You have thought about this a lot. And for i long time, it sounds like. I... do not envy your position.

[Ryan shrugs too. He has thought about it a lot, but it's hard to picture a life where he didn't have to think about it so much.]

Things weren't exactly great before, but they definitely used to be better than they are now. [He sighs.] Without getting too deep into it, a lot of gay guys are getting sick and dying, and a lot of straight people are scared they're going to catch it. There's no cure and people only kind of know how it spreads, so...y'know. I'm just glad he doesn't buy into any of that and isn't afraid to touch me at all.

[Luca's probably seen it - the two of them touch each other a lot more than heterosexual platonic friends would.]

It's rough, but honestly? It kind of makes this place really cool. The whole time we've been here, I've never had to deal with any of the stuff I had to back home. It's so nice.

[Despite everything with Min-Gi, Ryan feels like he can really breathe here. He can breathe and he didn't even fully understand how much he was suffocating before now.]

[The very thought makes his heart ache. There is much he could complain about in his world, but at least the people he had met didn't condemn his choices. Even the Phoenix's judgement was reserved for preserving its own line, rather than passing judgement on Luca himself.]

You ought to visit Renova at some point, then. Provided we are able to comfortably move around, when all is said and done. [He shifts just enough to nudge Ryan's shoulder, hoping that the gesture might draw him from some of his troubled thoughts.]

It has its troubles, certainly, but no one particularly cares about that. And any illness that does go around is easily cared for by our healers. They have to be adept in that, seeing as how much my sibling whores around.

[Still, Ryan is right. There is a malevolent energy to their life here, but during moments like these... it's nice. There is no pressure to be anything like they were "supposed" to be in their separate lives.]

If nothing else, you have my word that I will continue to keep it that way. As best as I can, at least.

[It's exactly the kind of comfort he needs. Invitations, nudges, little jokes here and there. He wasn't expecting the sibling whoring line and snorts out a laugh, despite himself - but he gets it, he has siblings somewhere. He nudges Luca back, and even grins.]

Renova, huh? I'd totally visit if we can. Like, I don't know if it'll actually work like that, but if it does that'd be so cool!

[Granted, Min-Gi might not be on board with jumping into more wormholes, but if they're able to travel freely there's probably no harm in it, right? Sticking around a place too long can get boring anyway. And in the meantime, the Grove hasn't been so bad, so far. Dangerous, sure, but good company helps a lot.]

Thanks, man. It totally shows. [He waves a hand in a playfully grand gesture.] The Grove gayborhood just wouldn't be the same without its local bartender!

[Luca's just happy Ryan laughed. For everything that's happened, it's good to know that he still can find a bit of humor somewhere.]

I can only hope that it does. I've come to care about a fair few people here. If I did not have duties to tend to back home, I'd even consider staying.

[That, and he still can't keep his mind from drifting to River, wondering how he'd been since departing the city.

In any case, it's Ryan's turn to make Luca laugh. He catches himself snorting, before giving a bow.]

I'm happy to help cultivate our little gayborhood. And to keep it well-watered. [He winks, before the mirthful expression fades in the slightest.] Everyone deserves somewhere to be. To have a home and belong. If I can offer that in the slightest, then I am glad to.

[NETBOOK]

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cw: AIDS mention

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