sticksandbones | (no subject)

Who: Ezell and... you!
What: Canon Update and his subsequent mental breakdown
When: After Silent Hill(tm)
Where: The Grove
Warnings: Ezell's deteriorating mental health, for starters- but tags will have cws in the headers as they come up!

I. May the order of Laterano shine upon us, Show us the path of life (Open)

[ Ezell does not remember going into the woods. He remembers the white of the mountains, or maybe it was the white of the shining city of Laterano. The image of it still stuck in his head, despite he's been away from it for over a year at this point. He's not even a field executor anymore, so then... why...?

Regardless, he does stagger out of the forest, and when he realizes he is safely back to the Grove, he should probably head back home. He should probably head back to the bakery and let the people there know he's okay. He can only imagine it must've been jarring for Ain to realize he was out in the woods. Or, maybe it would make sense to head to the center of the Grove to get his bearings, since things have been fucked these past two months, and ensure he's still in the Grove that he knows, and not some secretly twisted version of it.

He does neither of these things. The second he's back in the Grove, he falls to his knees and holds himself. Perhaps it's clear why. The glow from his halo and wings are now completely dull. They don't even seem to give off that mirror-like quality anymore. But, more concerning, they seem... "broken". Like they're glitchy with circular anomalies reminiscent of computer wires sprouting from them.

Anyway, he's probably fine. ]

II. That we may ever live in joy (Closed to the bakery crew)

[ He's getting his stuff and he's going to the Inn. He doesn't know how to face Ain or Flamebringer like this. He doesn't know how to tell them anything that he knows now. He's feeling so many things and he doesn't feel anyone else anymore, and it's... miserable. He's miserable. He knows it's next to impossible to isolate himself when the Grove is the way it is, but he has to.

He just can't be here. ]

III. East of the east of La Unidad, Laterano, holy city of white (Open)

[ Ezell's handwriting is still neat. Even when stressed out to all hell, he's done paperwork for so long this much is easy enough for him. ]

Hello. This is Ezell. The bakery will have the "CLOSED" sign out front for the bakery itself, as I cannot find it in me to run the kitchen at this time. I should be able to return... eventually. Just not right now. However, if those of you wish to enter to enjoy the company of the bunnies, disregard the sign. You're welcome to find comfort with our furry friends.

Thank you for understanding.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Um... not that I know of, but we usually just die. Or, like with me, Ishmael tells me I've "completed" my mission and ends my existence... she's sort of a taskmaster, haha.

[The laugh is very forced. Ain sits down next to Ezell and sweeps his tail around him, frowning and laying his head on the other's shoulder.]

Are you... is that why your halo and wings are all dark now...?

[ Ezell tenses when touched, like he's seconds from fleeing even now. He doesn't, though. Not yet. He doesn't want Ain to feel like he's abandoning him because he hates him. He does not. He just hates himself. ]

...Yes. It's... usually when you've committed a great sin. I don't recall doing such, but... [ He anxiously picks at his nails. ] I feel... wrong. This is seen in my city as something to despise. Those who are fallen being not worth your time or... worse.

I... I think I just need some time to be alone. To fix... me.

If you don't remember doing anything, you probably didn't. That, or your God hates you, kind of like mine I guess...? It's nothing you did. But you should know I don't care about stuff like that anyway.

...I guess I'm just worried that you won't come back. I know how you get when you get insecure. You won't... I mean, you usually don't want to be seen at all, and if this is permanent, then... I don't know. I just don't want to lose you too.

I don't... know. He may. I did turn my back on Laterano... [ But if that were the case, why not make him fall when he left, instead of when he's praising Laterano with Cecelia...? ]

I'll come back. You won't lose me. [ Maybe, Ain will even realize he doesn't need Ezell, and that he doesn't actually want a fallen Sankta like him, anyway. ] I just... I don't... I don't feel right. Everything feels... off. And... I dunno. I don't think I can handle being around... people.

...what if I sit on you so you can't go anywhere?

[Ain, please—]

I guess I don't get it... if you want to be alone, can't you just lock your bedroom door and put a sign up that says "I'm sad, don't come in" or something?

[ Ezell rubs his face, staring at the floor, but he's not really... "looking" at anything. He's only kind of here at the moment. ]

No... I... I don't feel... mm... [ He's struggling to describe what he's feeling. Mostly because the answer to it is that he's just Not. ] I'm sorry, Ain. You know I love you. I wouldn't just leave you like that, I just... I don't feel... like me, at all. A-and I've... I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm even supposed to feel about this.

...maybe sad? [Y. Yes Ain he does feel sad. What is unclear here.] Have you tried feeling sad about it? This would make me sad.

[He's trying,]

When I don't feel like me, I... put on new clothes until I feel like me. Do you want to try that?

...I appreciate it, Ain. This isn't something that can be fixed with trying on clothes, though... I don't know if it can be fixed at all.

[ Reaching up to pat Ain on his head. He's so sweet. And Ezell does care a lot about him. But he also feels disgusting and vile and doesn't want that to be anywhere around someone as kind as Ain.

He pulls his hand away soon after and presses it nervously against the strap of his shotgun. ]

...I... I don't want you to worry about me. I'll figure this out... [ Probably... ]