sticksandbones | (no subject)

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Who: Ezell and... you!
What: Canon Update and his subsequent mental breakdown
When: After Silent Hill(tm)
Where: The Grove
Warnings: Ezell's deteriorating mental health, for starters- but tags will have cws in the headers as they come up!

I. May the order of Laterano shine upon us, Show us the path of life (Open)

[ Ezell does not remember going into the woods. He remembers the white of the mountains, or maybe it was the white of the shining city of Laterano. The image of it still stuck in his head, despite he's been away from it for over a year at this point. He's not even a field executor anymore, so then... why...?

Regardless, he does stagger out of the forest, and when he realizes he is safely back to the Grove, he should probably head back home. He should probably head back to the bakery and let the people there know he's okay. He can only imagine it must've been jarring for Ain to realize he was out in the woods. Or, maybe it would make sense to head to the center of the Grove to get his bearings, since things have been fucked these past two months, and ensure he's still in the Grove that he knows, and not some secretly twisted version of it.

He does neither of these things. The second he's back in the Grove, he falls to his knees and holds himself. Perhaps it's clear why. The glow from his halo and wings are now completely dull. They don't even seem to give off that mirror-like quality anymore. But, more concerning, they seem... "broken". Like they're glitchy with circular anomalies reminiscent of computer wires sprouting from them.

Anyway, he's probably fine. ]

II. That we may ever live in joy (Closed to the bakery crew)

[ He's getting his stuff and he's going to the Inn. He doesn't know how to face Ain or Flamebringer like this. He doesn't know how to tell them anything that he knows now. He's feeling so many things and he doesn't feel anyone else anymore, and it's... miserable. He's miserable. He knows it's next to impossible to isolate himself when the Grove is the way it is, but he has to.

He just can't be here. ]

III. East of the east of La Unidad, Laterano, holy city of white (Open)

[ Ezell's handwriting is still neat. Even when stressed out to all hell, he's done paperwork for so long this much is easy enough for him. ]

Hello. This is Ezell. The bakery will have the "CLOSED" sign out front for the bakery itself, as I cannot find it in me to run the kitchen at this time. I should be able to return... eventually. Just not right now. However, if those of you wish to enter to enjoy the company of the bunnies, disregard the sign. You're welcome to find comfort with our furry friends.

Thank you for understanding.

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[The downfall of the bracelets is that Ain knows something is wrong, so as soon as he can, he's rushing to the bakery — since he can find Ezell's exact location and knows he's in there. Of course, he's not expecting to find the other man packing, and for a moment there's this sudden burst of possessiveness. How dare he leave? Where does he think he's going?

Then, he sees the state of Ezell's wings and halo, and wonders if something happened. Weren't they just together until recently? He did sense Ezell heading off into the forest, but that's not uncommon, especially considering he runs the animal shop. Ain assumed he was looking for more little guys...]

Ezell...? What's wrong?

[ Ezell freezes. He hadn't been paying mind to where Ain was since... he's still getting used to the whole lack of empathy. But he still feels Ain. And it's... comforting. It's nice. Even if all he feels right now is worry and fear, it's comforting to be sharing with someone.

He hates that he finds comfort in that. ]

I... I can't... be here. I'm... I'm really sorry. [ "I feel like I'm falling apart." ] I feel like I've... I'm... [ He's holding a shirt Ain made for him in his hands, and they tremble. ] I don't know how this happened, but I must've done something wrong.

[Ain almost says "are you leaving me?" like they're breaking up, somehow, like his brain can't compute Ezell leaving at all and has chosen to make it more about him than anything... but no, no, he knows better. That doesn't seem to be what's happening, even though he doesn't quite understand.

He fidgets with the bracelet that belongs to Ezell, then steps further into the room.]

Can you at least talk to me? Instead of saying you can't be here?

I... I don't...

[ ... He puts the shirt down, but it's going into the bag he was packing. However, he does carefully sit on the bed all the same. ]

I don't feel right. My empathy is gone and I... I don't feel even a little bit like myself anymore. Do... angels fall where you're from, Ain?

Um... not that I know of, but we usually just die. Or, like with me, Ishmael tells me I've "completed" my mission and ends my existence... she's sort of a taskmaster, haha.

[The laugh is very forced. Ain sits down next to Ezell and sweeps his tail around him, frowning and laying his head on the other's shoulder.]

Are you... is that why your halo and wings are all dark now...?

[ Ezell tenses when touched, like he's seconds from fleeing even now. He doesn't, though. Not yet. He doesn't want Ain to feel like he's abandoning him because he hates him. He does not. He just hates himself. ]

...Yes. It's... usually when you've committed a great sin. I don't recall doing such, but... [ He anxiously picks at his nails. ] I feel... wrong. This is seen in my city as something to despise. Those who are fallen being not worth your time or... worse.

I... I think I just need some time to be alone. To fix... me.

If you don't remember doing anything, you probably didn't. That, or your God hates you, kind of like mine I guess...? It's nothing you did. But you should know I don't care about stuff like that anyway.

...I guess I'm just worried that you won't come back. I know how you get when you get insecure. You won't... I mean, you usually don't want to be seen at all, and if this is permanent, then... I don't know. I just don't want to lose you too.

I don't... know. He may. I did turn my back on Laterano... [ But if that were the case, why not make him fall when he left, instead of when he's praising Laterano with Cecelia...? ]

I'll come back. You won't lose me. [ Maybe, Ain will even realize he doesn't need Ezell, and that he doesn't actually want a fallen Sankta like him, anyway. ] I just... I don't... I don't feel right. Everything feels... off. And... I dunno. I don't think I can handle being around... people.

...what if I sit on you so you can't go anywhere?

[Ain, please—]

I guess I don't get it... if you want to be alone, can't you just lock your bedroom door and put a sign up that says "I'm sad, don't come in" or something?

[ Ezell rubs his face, staring at the floor, but he's not really... "looking" at anything. He's only kind of here at the moment. ]

No... I... I don't feel... mm... [ He's struggling to describe what he's feeling. Mostly because the answer to it is that he's just Not. ] I'm sorry, Ain. You know I love you. I wouldn't just leave you like that, I just... I don't feel... like me, at all. A-and I've... I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm even supposed to feel about this.

...maybe sad? [Y. Yes Ain he does feel sad. What is unclear here.] Have you tried feeling sad about it? This would make me sad.

[He's trying,]

When I don't feel like me, I... put on new clothes until I feel like me. Do you want to try that?

...I appreciate it, Ain. This isn't something that can be fixed with trying on clothes, though... I don't know if it can be fixed at all.

[ Reaching up to pat Ain on his head. He's so sweet. And Ezell does care a lot about him. But he also feels disgusting and vile and doesn't want that to be anywhere around someone as kind as Ain.

He pulls his hand away soon after and presses it nervously against the strap of his shotgun. ]

...I... I don't want you to worry about me. I'll figure this out... [ Probably... ]

[...anyway unlike The Twink, Flamebringer comes home and finds no Ezell. He lacks the convenient tracking bracelet, and therefore has no fucking clue where Ezell went. Thus begins an afternoon of utterly tearing the Grove up — skipping over the inn, stupidly, because he figures Ezell would be literally anywhere else. With Joshua, maybe. At the cafe. At the tailor's. Shopping, talking to Ydalir, at any of the libraries...

No, no Ezell. There's no goddamn Ezell anywhere. Flamebringer is mere seconds from burning the whole Grove to the ground when he thinks, last-second, of checking the inn.

Lo and behold, who does he find within?]

Ezell— [Pause, wait.] Hey, what happened? You're not...

["You didn't Fall, did you?"]

[ Flamebringer is perhaps the person he wants to see the least. He'd taken to the inn kitchen to try and rid this horrible headache of his with coffee and caffeine (please get help, Ezell), but when he sees and hears Flamebringer he just... leaves his mug on the counter and immediately tries to flee for the staircase.

Please don't look at him, ]

[Flamebringer has been tearing up the fucking Grove looking for you, Ezell, he is not going to simply Let you walk away!

He doesn't want to grab Ezell, especially not too tightly when he's clearly feeling bad, so he tries to body-block the way first before grabbing Ezell's shoulder to hold him in place. It's a light grip, easy to break out of. Flamebringer, despite everything, is giving Ezell the option to leave still. But...]

Ezell, talk to me.

[ Ezell loves you so much, Flamebringer. So much, in fact, that seeing you here in front of him and touching his shoulder feels like he's actually burning. It hurts. It hurts to see him worried when Ezell has no idea what to do. He's shivering, but he doesn't leave at least. He isn't looking Flamebringer in the eyes either, though. ]

...I don't... I just don't want to be here, I just feel like I want to disappear. [ He doesn't want to confess he went to Kazdel. It's not fair. After everything he promised Flamebringer, it feels like a slight on him. ] I-I... I feel like I just watched a movie of my life for a few years and just started existing here again. I don't feel like me at all, and... and...

[He drops his hand down, from Ezell's shoulder to his wrist to his hand, where he tries to twine their fingers together if Ezell will allow it. He wonders if they shouldn't have this conversation in one of their old rooms here, so he gradually starts trying to tug Ezell upstairs and out of the kitchen.]

You were there for me crashing out, so I'm going to be here for you, okay? But you have to tell me what's going on, and why you feel that way, and... I don't know, if I can help or what you need.

[If he recycles Mizuki's therapy lessons (they were not lessons, those were sessions dipshit), maybe he can help Ezell.]

[ Unfortunately, they don't even get to the stairs. Flamebringer tries to twine their fingers together and Ezell rips his hand away so that he can awkwardly put his hands against his own stomach and bunch the cloth of his shirt up into his fists. Anxious. All he's felt is anxiety since getting out of the forest. ]

I went to Kazdel. [ He's still not looking at Flamebringer. He doesn't know what he's feeling and it's making him a nervous wreck. It would be easy if he hated Ezell, because at least then they would be feeling the same thing. ] I took Cecelia with me.

[Oookay, they're having this conversation in the kitchen then. That's fine, hopefully no one else comes in and

...

Oooh he doesn't mean to sigh like he does, but it escapes him before he can remember his therapy lessons (SESSIONS).]

And... you got hurt? Someone there tried to kill you? 'S'that why you Fell?

No. Nothing like that... [ ????? Why is that the first thing Flamebringer asks...??? ]

You... you can be angry. I understand. I'm angry, too.

[...]

I'm worried. And yeah, I guess I'm pissed off, but I always knew you were going to do it no matter what I said. You told me that much when we first showed up here, so I guess you got some memories back like I did a while ago.

[Only his were about the landship getting invaded and everyone heading off to Victoria for shelter, and Ezell's...]

I'm not shocked, is what I'm saying. I just want to know what the fuck went on that has you like this now.

[ On the one hand, Ezell knows Flamebringer gets it. As he just said, he's been through this, too. He probably didn't remember things from the Grove, either. But on the other, Ezell is upset that Flamebringer is being so nonchalant about this, as if he's saying "yeah, of course I didn't trust you."

He's not saying that. Ezell needs to get out of his head. But also... ]

...I don't know. I didn't do anything wrong. I was celebrating a birthday with Cece, that's it. I fell, and then... I passed out. That's all I remember.

...fuck, I should've gone with you. I could've protected you or... made sure you knew where you were? Done something? I don't fucking know.

[Yeah, Flamebringer's own crisis is mostly over how he didn't protect Ezell. In his defense, it's not like they liked each other back home, but... hindsight. Hindsight is 20/20 and he's going to kick past-him in the teeth.

He's not good at "caring" emotions. Everything with him is a low simmer, and he swore to himself he'd never explode in anger at Ezell ever again. Not after the first few times. So his "nonchalance" might be a result of that. If only Ezell could read him like he used to, he'd know that nothing about this is nonchalant.]

...you don't know where you are back home, do you?

[ Ezell doesn't say anything. He's just quietly looking at Flamebringer, until, finally, he gives in to his care and worry for him. He's mad, but not at Ezell? At himself? Hhh,,, He loves this stupid idiot man so much. So, so very much. And so, he finally closes the space he'd put between them and just plops his face right into Flamebringer's chest. ]

...I'm somewhere safe. I know that.

[Flamebringer takes this opportunity to wrap his arms around Ezell and squeeze him tight.]

I'll find you. I swear when we get out of here, I'll come find you, okay? Just stay put, if you wake up before I can get to you.

[Please, please wake up before he gets to you.]

I will be okay, Flamebringer. Like I said, some very kind folk were looking out for me and her...

[ Mudrock had a lot of connections, as it turned out. He doesn't remember what happened after he passed out. He wishes he did. He wishes he could ask Cecelia... ]

I'm sorry.

Stop. Don't apologise.

[He flattens his non-Oripathy'd cheek to Ezell's hair and takes a deep breath. God, how he wishes he could just fix this, or that he really had stalked Ezell and Mudrock to Kazdel, or gotten over himself and helped or...]

...just don't go anywhere on me while you're here. I really did almost tear this entire place up looking for you.

[ And the award-winning for world's stupidest utterance by the world's stupidest man goes to: ]

...Why?

...because I love you? [hello—] I was worried you got kidnapped or the Forest took you or... I don't know, I should've checked here first, but I looked all over for you.

... [ He doesn't say anything at first. No noise, no hiccups, no sobs, no nothing, but Flamebringer will still feel the wetness through his shirt from where Ezell's tears spill.

Eventually, though, he will speak: ] I love you, too.

[Whether Ain or Flamebringer make it to Ezell first remains to be seen, but...there just so happens to be another guest under their roof now that the Sankta perhaps hadn't accounted for. His semi-limping gait always gives him away before he arrives proper, which...in this case, will have to be what Ezell relies on, now that he's lost his empathy.

This bakery is Ezell's, after all. So, to see him packing his bags is...more than a little confusing. It's alarming, actually.]

Goin' somewhere?

[He doesn't miss the way he looks, of course. He just isn't sure he should bring it up just yet.]

... [ With there being, like, five people living at the bakery, he shouldn't be surprised he's getting caught, but also- ] I can't be here. I don't... I'm not... well.

[ He won't elaborate. He just keeps packing. ]

Not well?

[He doesn't need to ask to know that, especially when he can see how dim and strange looking Ezell's wings and halo suddenly are. Wolfwood doesn't understand it, but...he doesn't think he has to, to know that something's not right.]

Are you sick? Cause that's hardly a reason to up and leave your own bakery.

[ If he were sick, that would've made this easier. Than he could just complain a bunch and bundle up and call it a day, but... ]

I'm sorry, Wolfwood. I just... the Forest decided I hadn't endured enough, I guess. I-I got about a couple years' worth of memories suddenly, but they don't feel like mine, and... it was like watching my life as a movie. But not me, because... [ He would've remembered the Grove. Wolfwood. Ain. But most glaringly, the promise he made Flamebringer. ]

I'm not right.

Hey, it ain't me you need to apologize to.

[He's not going to tell Ezell what to do or anything, but...he can think of a few people who are going to freak the fuck out if they don't catch him before he's just. Left, without saying anything.]

...I get that feelin'. Gettin' a bunch of new memories, from a version of you that don't exist. It's rough.

[Or, getting them from someone you know...someone who has lived what you haven't, yet. He'd argue THAT is even worse.]

But do you think up and leavin' is really gonna help? Where do you even plan to go?

[ Joshua doesn't go to the inn every day these days, now that he lives in the house that Clive got for them. Today, however, is one of those days. Considering that a good portion of the inn's residents are newer to this place, he likes to make sure that a flier for the clinic is in place in the main area. A small stock of basic medical supplies is left there, too, for good measure.

But he doesn't expect to find Ezell here. The sight of him makes Joshua pause, first because he genuinely enjoys seeing Ezell, but then because something is... off. His halo, his wings. What happened...? ]

Ezell...? Are you all right?

[ Oh what a loaded question to hear. Ezell had been in the midst of making coffee for himself when he hears Joshua. There'd be a point where he'd see him and the whole room would brighten just because Ezell's halo and wings would glow more. That isn't so now. Ezell does pick up his head, a flurry of relief in not being alone, shame in being the way he is now, and panic in not knowing what to say. It causes him to chew on the inside of his cheek in an anxiousness he hadn't felt in a while. ]

...No. [ Well, no use in lying, right? He lets out a sad little laugh. ] The Forest decided I didn't experience enough in that forsaken town, I guess.

[ Oh. That explains some things, he supposes, but also opens up a whole new coffer of questions. Joshua doesn't want to pry, and yet... Ezell looks so lost. So troubled. And with his wings and halo seeming off... ]

I would be glad to lend you a shoulder and an ear, if you need one. You aren't injured, are you?

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ii hello im bakery

no this is patrick

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ii. HELLO I AM YET AGAIN BAKERY BUT AT THE INN

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II

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loosely based on ii

scoops joshua and steals him

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