🤡

[godsfavourite]

Who: Allen + You!
What: Holy clown boy coming to a Grove near you!
When: Beginning of March
Where: ??? Around
Warnings: None yet, will be in headers as the pop up.



I. I've tasted all your sin (Forest entrance)

[ There is, perhaps, not a single person who would say arriving in the Grove isn't jarring. Some woke up here from their own slumber back home, and that is perhaps the smoothest transition you can get, even even that has yet to be graceful. For Allen, one moment he's holding the hand of his friend, trying to wake him up from what he could only assume was a horrific coma, and then next he's... here. His hand clasps in on itself, and he's suddenly looking around in a panic. He knew that the place he'd ended up may very well kick him out of his consciousness. May lend just the right amount of strength for Nea to pull him out of the "driver's seat", so to speak, but... is that what's happening now? Now, when he was so close to saving his friend?

No.

No, no, no.

The panic sets in as he darts from out of the trees, attempting to look for something, anything that might help him figure out how to get back. It's once he gets into the Grove proper that his eye activates. He has his own questions about that - if he's not in control, where is that coming from? What would his eye see... in his own head? Before he can ponder it for too long, he at least gets one of his answers. What does his eye see? Well.

Death.

It's the first time Allen's seeing souls not attached to something else, but Allen doesn't have time to process that part. Rather, he is trying to remember how to breathe again, because as of now, seeing the horrible visions in front of him - death of his friends, of those he loves, of a fire that isn't really there - all has the air he's trying to get out caught in his throat. It's only once his eye deactivates, the sclera turning from black to white and the red of his eye back to a silvery gray, does he finally have some kind of reprieve from the overwhelm. It's not much. The panic has only gotten worse, after all.

He falls to his knees, gasping for air as if he'd been held underwater for too long. ]

II. You've lost your appetite (for sacrifice) (Timcanpy, the Inn)

[ Timcanpy is a little golden golem. He is here! He isn't sure why he's here, but he is! How exciting! He's gonna...! He's...!!!

...

Where is this!!!!!!!!!! He is going to float out of the inn room he Spawned(tm) in and??? chew on the first person he sees. Hello. ]

III. How can we terminate this parasite (Around the Grove)

[ Fortunately, although the panic attack hits Allen like a train, the fact that he's so fucking hungry does as well. Which means... this is definitely his body. He's not stuck in his head. That's?? Good. Probably. Well, it's not good that he doesn't know where he is, but it's good he's still Him. Does this make sense? No. It doesn't. Fuck, he's SO hungry-

He will very hastily try to find the first person he can and catch their attention with a friendly wave of his normal-looking hand, and in a thick, British accent: ] Cheers! Uh, I have a lot of questions, but... most important, do you know where a bloke might find some food? Preferably, a lot of it?

...

Oh, also, what is that? [ He's, uh, pointing at Moder. ]

IV. If you keep digging up the Host? (Wildcard)
HMU if you wanna do something else pls I have such a strong muse for my baby boy I'm gonna be SO annoying-

Comments

[lotusflower]

[Ooh, that is... actually the last thing he was expecting. Allen isn't supposed to be from a similar situation to Kanda's, and he definitely feels that spark of rage bubbling up already.]

You're not like me, are you?

[He might have to go back and start lopping heads off and damn the consequences if so.]

[godsfavourite]

No— [ Allen starts, answering immediately because of course he isn’t. He’s not a second exorcist. The Black Order didn’t make him. He wasn’t made to suit an Innocence. He wasn’t just one person.

But then Allen thinks about it for more than a second, and his eyes widen in realization that… it’s… alarmingly close, isn’t it? A body that’s not his. Memories he watched like a movie and didn’t feel like “his”. Haunted by things he “did” but didn’t remember doing. He blinks as tears sting his eyes, both completely miserable in knowing that his despair is something Kanda must have felt… and also comforted that he isn’t really alone.

He swallows, letting out a very soft, shaky “oh” as he looks at Kanda now, eyes wide. ]

…Yes. Oh, God. I didn’t realize how similar it…

…Does this… Does this feeling you’re a stranger in your own body go away…?

[lotusflower]

[...despite himself, Kanda strolls away from the door and sits down on the bed nearby. Not too close, wouldn't want to get in Allen's space, but definitely there. Definitely closer than he normally is, than he used to sit.]

Eventually. [He murmurs, leaning forward with his hands folded between his parted knees.] But I'm stubborn. I always fought against it, because the alternative was that they terminated me. I bet they still wish they could sometimes.

[The ones that survived, anyway. People like Lvellie that saw Kanda as only a nuisance in the way of whatever greater plans they had for Allen, or Reni who likely still saw the artificial exorcists as disposable.

He smirks despite himself, looking sidelong at Allen.]

I won't say it doesn't bother me sometimes. I guess I'm used to it enough to deal with it at this point. It's been nine years, after all. [...] You're twice as bullheaded as I am. You'll figure it out.

[godsfavourite]

[ Allen takes the time to kick his shoes off so he can bring his feet up onto the bed. He hugs his legs and pushes his face into his knees. His voice from here on will be mildly muffled… but he will continue. ]

This is… [ He huffs. ] This will sound bloody insane. But. The Allen before… he let Nea in. He was also… friends with Lavi. The one before ours. Apocryphos tried to… kill Allen? Destroy Allen’s soul? But Lavi saved him and…

I don’t know how to explain it beyond… pieces of his soul mended parts of Allen’s that Apocryphos got to?? His bloody feathers… infected the arm????? [ He flexes the fingers of his Innocence. ] It made Allen a child, but…

And that’s me? And that’s me. Because Apocryphos took my memories and… gave me to the circus?

…

It’s all so fucked, Kanda.

[lotusflower]

[...oooooookay so there go all his secret hopes that Allen would be a little more normal than Kanda ever was. That's great. Thanks God for literally fucking nothing.

The fuck does he say to that? He just used his one semi-reasonable advice skill that he gets per year! It's gone now! How the fuck does comforting someone work? Why are the Bookmen all so weird?? Why is there two of everybody—]

No fucking kidding.

[What to say, what to say... "wow that's crazy"?? "Oof"?? "So sorry"??? Ugh.

What would Johnny do what would Johnny do what would—]

I'll. [...do something. Yeah he'll do something. He'll—] I'll snap that creep's neck again, I swear to God.

[godsfavourite]

The worst of it is… it’s not even Nea’s fault. Allen gave himself to Nea. I wanted to blame him for this rubbish, for my faults, for hurting people, for all the horrible things that have happened to me — it was so easy to blame him. But he and Allen were friends?

[ He squeezes his eyes shut and digs his nails into his legs as he tries to pull them closer, like he’s trying to disappear. ]

My head hurts so much. I don’t… I wanted to know. I wanted to know more than anything, but now that I do, I’m just… angry.

[lotusflower]

One of the things Tiedoll and I were going to research was how to separate the two of you. We didn't exactly make it back to the Order before I wound up here, though.

[He's trying. He swears he's trying.]

I'm probably going to be on fucking probation if I ever make it back.

[godsfavourite]

[ The way Allen whips his head to look at Kanda. ]

No if!

… Please. When you get back, when we make it, it will be a when. It has to be, it has to be. We’ve fought too hard for this. Everyone has sacrificed so much for this. For me. I can’t… I can’t lose anyone now. I can’t, I won’t, I won’t.

[lotusflower]

...right. When I make it back and get put on fucking probation.

[He's going to be in sooooo much trouble. Maybe he'll stop Falling, but is it worth it? He'd rather Fall and help, even though Allen is going to hate it.

God, when did they become this close?]

We'll figure it out.

[godsfavourite]

…Tiedoll will fight for you. Komui, too. Even if you do get any form of punishment, it won’t be more than a slap on the wrist.

[ He knows they don’t have amazing pull within the Order, but…

He reaches a hand over, gently trying to do something more… physically comforting. For himself more than Kanda, since he’s well aware the other doesn’t care for physical touch that isn’t punching or some other form of violence. It’s this discomfort that makes Allen just gently tug his sleeve in the end.

Allen has always been both a physically affectionate person, while also being aware of other people’s boundaries. That has… made it hard for him to know how to handle Kanda. ]

Besides, you’re a General now. Cross got away with way worse shit, didn’t he? You’ll be okay.

[lotusflower]

Cross got away with worse shit because Central wasn't telling him no. Those goddamn bastards are up to something, and none of them are on your side. I doubt Cross was either.

I'm on your side, and I imagine they're going to try kneecapping me due to it. [Keyword: try.] What leverage does Komui even have these days? Lvellie walks all over him. I was barely able to get out of the Order to look for you without telling them where Alma is buried because that mustache-wearing son of a bitch kept jumping down my throat.

[godsfavourite]

...Of course he wasn't. It doesn't exactly take a genius to figure that out, though. I guess... that's true. If Cross and Central were both on Nea's side, then there's no reason to put him on a bloody leash. [ He laughs, bitterly. ] I don't understand... how he hasn't fallen. Two Innocence, helping a Noah...

How cruel.

[ He lulls his head on his knees to look off at Kanda's. His smile is tired, matching the redness of his face from crying so much. ]

...Say, if you don't like Lvellie - and, just to be clear, I don't either - but... if that's the case, why did you out Link? Knowing I think of him as a friend, I mean. He was... just watching, right? You could've just continued to let him. I never would have noticed. And then he wouldn't have been able to follow me when I used the Ark.

You hate Central. You hate CROWs.

[lotusflower]

I hate the Order and I hate God, too.

[But Allen knows that better than anyone at this point.

Kanda draws his lips into a thin line, briefly meeting Allen's eyes before he looks down at the floor.]

I don't like him. I think he's lying about at least half his motivations for following after you, and I have a feeling he's eventually going to go back to Central with whatever findings he has and some shit will arise because of it.

...luckily for him, I know people. I know he doesn't have it out for you. As much as I think he's a boot-licking twat, I know he cares. And you... [he huffs.] ...need someone like that. Everything I've done 'til now has been for you.

[...]

Besides, Johnny can't hold his own in a fight. [Don't get hung up on him caring now, he's still deflecting—] And you're fucked without either me or Link there watching out for your stupid ass.

[godsfavourite]

[ Realistically, Allen is getting there, too. Not for hating the Order - he has too many friends there. But hating God? Maybe. It's a complicated relationship. His faith in a power greater than his own, faith in heaven, faith that the souls he's reaped are in a better place is all still there. But faith in God to be All Benevolent? No. Perhaps neutral at best. Perhaps curious. Perhaps inhuman, in a way that makes it impossible for Him to have morals in a way that matters.

It's complicated. ] ...I don't know that he will. Especially if Apocryphos... if the Cardinal is still part of Central? I wouldn't be surprised if Link wants as little to do with them as us now. He nearly died, Kanda. As far as I'm concerned, he did.

[ Allen bitterly frowns at this. "Everything I've done 'til now has been for you." Why? Johnny he... understands. He isn't happy about it, but he gets it. They're friends. They love one another in a way that family (sources needed) (🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈) does. Kanda, though? They're only barely friends, right? Before like a week or so ago, Allen was convinced that Kanda still hated his guts. Ugh... ]

...You should know now more than ever how much it bloody stings to hear that. I just told you, didn't I? This "Allen" wasn't even supposed to exist. So many of my friends keep sacrificing, and... for what? So you all will be disappointed or worse in the end?

[lotusflower]

[He did. He did hate Walker's guts. At least, he's pretty sure of that fact, but to be honest — he hates being honest, why does he always have to be honest instead of just shying away from it all? — he doesn't remember when he started to like Allen. Just that at some point he did, that trust bloomed between them and it was fucking over for Kanda from there. "Coworker" became "trusted partner" like how "owing a debt and getting rid of a guilty conscience" solidified into genuine appreciation and—

...

Ha ha anyway.]

I told you we're goddamn fixing it. It doesn't matter if you weren't supposed to exist. Neither was I, not like I am now, but the point is that you do. Stop being a goddamn jackass about it.

[godsfavourite]

[ He's being realistic. But he knows that isn't going to be what Kanda wants to hear. Nor is it going to be conducive to the conversation. There's a little sigh anyway. ]

I suppose none of that fucking matters while we're here, so regardless of who's being the wanker here, it's kind of moot until we can get back to where we were, yeah?

[lotusflower]

It's you, by the way.

[We Are Now Back To Acting Like A Child.]

Alright, then. [Aaaand he's getting up.] Let's go figure out where the fuck we are, shall we?

[godsfavourite]

[ He looks down at his shoes on the ground, still holding his legs. Yeah. Moving sounds good. He's going to rattle this conversation around in his skull for the next several hours and think about all the things he could've said better or differently or what he could've taken from it better than he is now, but...

He squeezes his legs. ]

... Hey, Kanda?

[lotusflower]

[He'd been walking toward the door, but...

He turns to face Allen.]

Yeah?

[godsfavourite]

I could really go for some nosh.

[ Allen ]

[lotusflower]

[...]

You're dumb as shit, you know that?

[(Affectionate) (said disdainfully) (you can't know)]

Bakery, bar, or that Middle Eastern place?

[godsfavourite]

[ He slides his shoes back on. Despite his tear-stained, red cheeks, he gives Kanda the most ✨✨✨✨✨ smile. ]

Yes! And please! [ That's not an answer, Allen. ]