sticksandbones | [POST-MORTEM] not to blame

Who: Loop & others
What: Loop doing Loop things
When: October 5th ~ 14th (and probably onward to the end of the month)
Where: Locations™
Warnings: hello depression spiral my old friend.... talk of murder/dead kids, suicidal thoughts, ISAT and GF spoilers, will update if needed!

After everything that happened on the 4th, it's not long before Loop's cozy new camp is also left abandoned. The cozy pillows remain for awhile, perhaps, but Loop is nowhere to be found near it for the rest of the month.

... and they're not at their old tree, either, if anyone decides to check. There's slash marks in the ground, here, and deep in the tree's bark, swathes off willowy branches sheared from the curtain surrounding it. How long has it been like that?

Regardless, they don't plan on being an easy person to find.

((using this as a catch-all instead of attacking like a dozen inboxes maybe, so hit me up

BlueFlewFedUQueen/discord/PMs/etc if you want to do something with Loop!!))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Ohhhh that's a lot of questions. Who knew therapy was this complicated?? They look a bit overwhelmed for a moment, like it somehow didn't occur to them that a therapist might need more than "I have nightmares sometimes" to prescribe a miracle cure for their brain problems.

They do pull themselves together, though, staring at the list on his phone with a serious expression.]

How much... I don't really keep track? I'm used to taking a lot of naps, but they're not usually very long. No caffeine or alcohol—couldn't even if I wanted to! [quickly pointing at their (lack of a) mouth] Routines... um, I'm not sure, I don't really think about that. I... usually sleep in the same place? [... their tone gives away how much they're stretching that truth. also,] I'm staying somewhere else for now, so... I guess not? It's safe. Safer. [ALSO does not sound remotely confident even if it should be true] Before bed... I don't really do anything? I just kind of zone out until I fall asleep, I guess.

[...

They feel like all those answers were kind of bad?? Getting an awful grade in therapy right now. They reluctantly hand him the phone back.]

[ There's a knowing nod, then he reaches over to his clipboard and writes a few things down before he tries to ask Loop more questions. ]

Do you consider yourself stressed or anxious lately? Have you found your emotional state has been different than it usually is?

Yeah... yeah, I guess I have been. [people you care about getting murdered and replaced will generally do that to you lmao

...

...]

Okay. I know this sounds bad, but— I've been working on it, really. And I was still having nightmares when I was doing better! So it might not be related?

[ Mizuki doesn't interrupt. He sits patiently, mostly unreadable in his expression. Not because he's disinterested, but because he's listening and digesting all of this. Only once they finish does he shake his head. ]

I wasn't thinking it sounded bad. Things are hectic. The forest gives us lots of stressors to worry about. Really, I'd be more concerned if you said you're not stressed at all.

You said when you "were" doing better. Do you think you've gotten worse? What does "better" look like to you? What do you think changed that?

[They're wringing their hands a bit, missing their cloak. Without it to hide behind they feel too obvious... when have they ever been okay? Better for them is still bad, almost certainly.

... but they want to be better, don't they? If not for themselves, then...]

I was being nicer to everyone, and not starting fights or being difficult. [until they were mean, dragged everyone into a fight to the death and refused to budge on anything. whoops.] ... I guess I have gotten worse. Hah, I couldn't even last a week, could I?

[As for what changed it... there is a pretty obvious answer to that. One that they probably should tell more people, but it's hard. They've never been very good at honesty.]

... Have you noticed anything weird around the Grove lately? People acting weird?

What do you think about? When you do things you think are “mean”? What’s changed lately, besides being here, that made you feel like you could “do better”? And yes. I’ve noticed. You mean… with the “clones”, right?

[There's a moment where they visibly bristle, staring at the question—haha, yeah! Yeah there sure is a reason why they wanted to change so badly!! Their smile tightens, a little too quick to slip back into their typical cheeriness.]

Isn't it good to always strive to do better? There doesn't have to be a reason for it! I just felt like I could do more, that's all.

[the other topic is more important anyway, moving on moving on moving on—] The clones, yes. A friend of mine got replaced, and that copy ended up killing someone else. I figured him out, but he still got away. It was pretty frustrating!

[To put it very lightly. They're still smiling, but uh. Mizuki can probably tell it's not very sincere.]

[ Mmmh… even if Mizuki can read the fake expression, that doesn’t mean he isn’t able to put together that answer doesn’t make a lot of sense. He starts typing again with a somewhat melancholy look. ]

Oh, I forgot to let you know, if I ask a question that makes you uncomfortable or you don’t want to answer, you’re more than free to tell me as such without answering. This isn’t an interrogation — I just want to help.

[ Which is the polite way of saying “I know that’s a lie, but I won’t press.” ]

I see… Do you think this is a factor contributing to your nightmares lately?

[... They feel a little bad again, seeing that reply and the look on Mizuki's face. But it's second nature to them, now, to force a smile when they're uncomfortable. They try to at least tone it down a little. They do want help, don't they?

They think about their stardust, eyes filled with hatred. Liar, he says, and everyone believes him. Their friends turning their backs.]

... I have a lot of nightmares, Therapist. I was hoping to tackle a specific one, if that's alright.

I have trouble sleeping indoors. I wake up, and I see the walls, and I think I'm somewhere else. I have to go outside to be sure of what's real. But it's gotten me into trouble before, and I'm lacking in options right now, so I'd like to find another solution.

[POST-MORTEM] not to blame

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