[ Neither does he, really. The memory wavers and slides, as if avoiding Truthless and he looks away, so it stops wavering and Lily can continue to watch.
This isn't for him to see, not yet. His soul apparently hasn't come to terms with it. Percival hiding the truth from himself, the pain? He doesn't know.
All he knows is that the man before them have long since been lost to his own madness. ]
... If he understood I'm sure he would say thank you, for trying to save him from himself.
He loved you. You were his heart and soul. He lost you and that part of him died with it.
[ The question makes him dip his head a little, then focus. The mind scape isn't anything new to him. The memory is reluctant to pull away, to shift, but it does. Blurs, colors bleed, and they find themselves...
in the tower.
Truthless looks annoyed. This is not where he was trying to go, but he supposes this brand is going to control it. But at least Lily is no longer seeing her past husband breaking himself to pieces. ]
( no, now they're where her current husband died and she left him to it. so much better.
lily forces herself to stand, withdrawing into herself, like an unbloomed flower. like something small and fragile, just as she feels. the flowers on her horns are even more wilted than before. )
...
No escape until the brand is satisfied, I see. Go on, then. Show me whatever it is that must be seen.
[ And nothing happens. It is merely the tower. One spot inside of it, as twisted and convoluted as the rest, but it's empty. Of memories. Or anyone. It's merely a spot Truthless has tred before. It's quiet, at any rate.
( she might explain that she's tired, that she's hurt, that she's had enough- more things she would be open to pure vanilla with. ... but he's made it clear, he's not pure vanilla. why should she confide in him, then? or open up to him?
it's quiet, and it makes her skin crawl. she just wants to leave. )
[ She doesn't need to explain anything, he's the one that broke things off with her. Who got tired of trying to be someone he didn't feel like being anymore. But he opens his mouth to something anyways before simply vanishing.
Leaving her alone in the memory of a tower, though with him gone it seems to shift. A flash of a memory, of Pure Vanilla walking through, looking at the various aspects of Shadow Milk in paintings on the wall. An old man, a young lady, an old lady, a shepherd boy with a sharp grin. He's speaking out loud to himself but his voice is muffled, distant, as if it's underwater.
The memory shifts, wavers, and Pure Vanilla looks confused and turns to... look directly at White Lily. Surprise flashes across his face and he opens his mouth.
His words are lost and he stops trying eventually. Then steps towards her to reach out and try to touch her, his hand passing through her. He stares at it for a moment before seeming to sigh. Then smiles to her, beautiful and brilliant and him and raises a hand in a 'moment' gesture.
The memory shifts again, bleeds and his expression turns pained, concentrating. The tower oozes away like an oil painting in rain, until they're standing together in the Faerie Woods. It wavers and warps around them like it might give out at any moment, sagging here and there, but it's solid enough for now. ]
Ah, I thought so. It is much easier to bring about a place we both share in our memories.
[ He's far more solid as well, though it shows the tiny details. His hair is dark at the ends, the shine is lost. Fading petals curling upwards. There's cracks in his dough, painful chunks missing along his cheek that are half hidden by his robes. Which themselves hide an unknown amount of him gone. But he's there enough to smile to her with the same sparkling love he'd always give. ]
Have you decided to walk in dream as our young Dipper did, my heart?
( truthless recluse is gone and it's both relieving and painful- is this the future that awaits her? maybe it should be, given everything she's seen. she's ready to navigate the tower alone (he shouldn't have had to be alone she should have been there) when the first shift happens-
a gallery? but she can't hear. pure vanilla sees her, is aware- she'll think back at the gallery later, but right now she just feels overwhelmed. the second shift is- also overwhelming, but this time it's an even mix of too many feelings. the faerie forest, the closest thing she's ever felt to home, the place of her resurrection, where elder faerie... her duty and responsibility...
and then he speaks. )
... Vanny...?
( and here she thought she was out of tears to cry. her vision blurs, especially as she realizes the state he's in, and she closes the distance in seconds, holding him tight. )
[ He closes his arms tightly around her, holds her with all his strength. Which is a considerable amount yet, as he works towards awakening from the nudging Dipper gave him. ]
Of course there is, it is the Grove.
[ He sounds put out but not annoyed. He missed her, more than he can feel, so he will take whatever bit of her he can momentarily get. He rubs her back gently, shifts away to cup her face and put a soft kiss on her forehead, his hands wiping the large tears away. He notices... marks. The backlash of magic on her yet again. His expression falls as he touches them gently, traces them with his hands. ]
Oh, my heart, I am so sorry.
[ He only catches brief moments from Truthless' memories, he didn't see it happen. But he can guess. There's enough reasons she would try something in a state in which it might backlash on her. Or was it from him? Truthless wouldn't outright attack her but the hints of Shadow Moon... ]
( lily is quiet, shrinking shamefully under his gaze, like the injuries she sustained are something dirty, or wrong. it's- it's hard. but she leans against him and inhales- )
I tried to continue our research into Oripathy with- with Truthless Recluse Cookie. But it was in the wake of grief, and he has been... he tried. But he's still... different. ... I wasn't ready. But I couldn't admit it.
When we tried, I saw visions of Shadow Milk Cookie. It scared me, and I lost control of the threads.
( that is... also shameful to admit, as the new guardian. )
[ He pulls her back in against him, tucks her tight as she leans in, strokes up and down her back soothingly under her braid. His frown grows heavier and his heart aches. He wishes he had been there.
And he feels her shame, the way she shrinks in on herself, and shakes his head. ]
Oh, love, do not blame yourself. Do not let it eat at you. There are always truths we hide from ourself, and the biggest one is that we are ready to move on when we are not. I am sorry I was not there for you, I fear I am not yet strong enough and there are many things I must come to terms with before I am, but I beg you. Forgive yourself.
( lily carries crimes from their school days on her shoulders still- granted, that was... pretty cataclysmic. but the point stands- the only cloak she wears more than her actual cloak is the one cast from her sins, guilt that she can't let go of, because she can't make up for it no matter how hard she tries.
lily holds onto him, though- if she lets go, will she lose him again? )
[ Boy, does he. Yet someday he hopes she will be able to look at herself in the mirror, and tell herself she's sorry. Until then, he will hold her and forgive her for her. Squeeze her like he can fit her broken pieces back together. ]
I will be back, my love. I promise you. There is nothing that can keep me away for long.
[ He turns to rest his head against hers, the memory around them beginning to feel strained. There's only so much he can do against the brand, especially while as worn as he is. ]
Do not give up hope. You and Cacao both. I love you, White Lily Cookie. Promise me you will yet keep faith.
[ Oh that hurts, his rebuilding heart tightening like it's about to shatter in his chest all over again. But he understands. He's... seen the memories. Here and there. What has happened. How they hurt around each other.
But he shakes his head, tightens his hold on her like he can meld them together. ]
I understand, my love. But forgive me for being stubborn and saying no.
[ He smiles a little, turning his face in against her hair. The memory of a scent. ]
I have lost you too many times already to allow it to happen again. When I am back, we will talk. We have so much to say, and I fear we have shied away from it all. We hurt because we try to save each other.
( lily balks, because. well. what do you mean 'no'- especially in the wake of what she's seen in these memories! and she's been horrid, always, even when she tries-
... and yet, she can't break away.
... )
... All I've ever done is cause pain... And you have been no different. Even though I want to...
[ No is no. Pure Vanilla refuses. This is his wife. This is the woman he's loved since he was a child. He squeezes her softly to him, shaking his head. ]
Have I not caused you pain as well? I did not speak up back at the Academy, I pulled away instead. I did not follow you, when I desperately wished to, fearing what was to be found. We have both struggled to keep the other safe, and all we've done is-
[ He sighs and shakes his head again, smiling. ]
We will talk, my heart, upon my return. I will hold nothing back from you anymore. I love you. I truly love you, and we have lived a very long time. Life has it's hardships, and as for as much love as there is there is pain, but we will get through it. Together, my love.
( she can't even begrudge him for walking away, back then- look what she'd done, what she'd do in the future. how many of his lines has she crossed? and yet... and yet... and yet.
lily's breath hitches and she wraps her arms around vanilla's neck, burying her face into the crook. )
Don't keep me waiting much longer, I beg of you...
[ And his arms go around her waist proper, as he leans his face into her shoulder in return. Tucks her in as tightly as he can in this memory that's fraying at the edges. ]
I promise. I promise, my heart. It won't be much longer. Wait for me.
[ He pulls back to put his hand to her cheeks to move her head so he can give her a soft, sweet kiss. ]
( she wants to beg him to stay, but she can't. she knows it won't work, will only cause more pain... but she holds on still, blinking away hot tears yet again. her eyes hurt, terribly so, and she's so tired of crying. )
... I love you. Please... don't forget this, ever...
And I love you. More than words can say. No matter who I currently am.
[ But he can show her, while the memory falls apart. Shifts the scenes to faded ones of their time together. Of all the times he's watched her, smiled at her, the way his expression always lit up around her.
The way his world always bloomed brighter when she walked into it. It causes him to fade, however, his smile sweet as he turns fuzzy, ghost like, before disappearing and the memories slowly come to a halt. The last one is their reunion in the Faerie Kingdom and the memory of his sheer joy at her opening her eyes. ]
( lily tries to speak, but then things shift again, and for perhaps the first time...
everything makes sense. (doesn't that make her crimes worse?) everything makes sense and her heart hurts so, so badly. but if he says to wait, that he'll return- she will wait.
even as guilt claws its way in, as anxieties rise again, she'll wait.
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This isn't for him to see, not yet. His soul apparently hasn't come to terms with it. Percival hiding the truth from himself, the pain? He doesn't know.
All he knows is that the man before them have long since been lost to his own madness. ]
... If he understood I'm sure he would say thank you, for trying to save him from himself.
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( no, no, she doesn't want to see anymore- why is he making her keep watching? after a couple minutes, she covers her eyes with a shudder. )
... How do we end this...?
( ... the memory? or them? )
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[ The question makes him dip his head a little, then focus. The mind scape isn't anything new to him. The memory is reluctant to pull away, to shift, but it does. Blurs, colors bleed, and they find themselves...
in the tower.
Truthless looks annoyed. This is not where he was trying to go, but he supposes this brand is going to control it. But at least Lily is no longer seeing her past husband breaking himself to pieces. ]
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lily forces herself to stand, withdrawing into herself, like an unbloomed flower. like something small and fragile, just as she feels. the flowers on her horns are even more wilted than before. )
...
No escape until the brand is satisfied, I see. Go on, then. Show me whatever it is that must be seen.
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And Truthless seems awkward.
A beat. Two. ]
I'm sorry. I was trying to free us.
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( she might explain that she's tired, that she's hurt, that she's had enough- more things she would be open to pure vanilla with. ... but he's made it clear, he's not pure vanilla. why should she confide in him, then? or open up to him?
it's quiet, and it makes her skin crawl. she just wants to leave. )
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Leaving her alone in the memory of a tower, though with him gone it seems to shift. A flash of a memory, of Pure Vanilla walking through, looking at the various aspects of Shadow Milk in paintings on the wall. An old man, a young lady, an old lady, a shepherd boy with a sharp grin. He's speaking out loud to himself but his voice is muffled, distant, as if it's underwater.
The memory shifts, wavers, and Pure Vanilla looks confused and turns to... look directly at White Lily. Surprise flashes across his face and he opens his mouth.
His words are lost and he stops trying eventually. Then steps towards her to reach out and try to touch her, his hand passing through her. He stares at it for a moment before seeming to sigh. Then smiles to her, beautiful and brilliant and him and raises a hand in a 'moment' gesture.
The memory shifts again, bleeds and his expression turns pained, concentrating. The tower oozes away like an oil painting in rain, until they're standing together in the Faerie Woods. It wavers and warps around them like it might give out at any moment, sagging here and there, but it's solid enough for now. ]
Ah, I thought so. It is much easier to bring about a place we both share in our memories.
[ He's far more solid as well, though it shows the tiny details. His hair is dark at the ends, the shine is lost. Fading petals curling upwards. There's cracks in his dough, painful chunks missing along his cheek that are half hidden by his robes. Which themselves hide an unknown amount of him gone. But he's there enough to smile to her with the same sparkling love he'd always give. ]
Have you decided to walk in dream as our young Dipper did, my heart?
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a gallery? but she can't hear. pure vanilla sees her, is aware- she'll think back at the gallery later, but right now she just feels overwhelmed. the second shift is- also overwhelming, but this time it's an even mix of too many feelings. the faerie forest, the closest thing she's ever felt to home, the place of her resurrection, where elder faerie... her duty and responsibility...
and then he speaks. )
... Vanny...?
( and here she thought she was out of tears to cry. her vision blurs, especially as she realizes the state he's in, and she closes the distance in seconds, holding him tight. )
... N-not... actively. T-there's something strange again....
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[ He closes his arms tightly around her, holds her with all his strength. Which is a considerable amount yet, as he works towards awakening from the nudging Dipper gave him. ]
Of course there is, it is the Grove.
[ He sounds put out but not annoyed. He missed her, more than he can feel, so he will take whatever bit of her he can momentarily get. He rubs her back gently, shifts away to cup her face and put a soft kiss on her forehead, his hands wiping the large tears away. He notices... marks. The backlash of magic on her yet again. His expression falls as he touches them gently, traces them with his hands. ]
Oh, my heart, I am so sorry.
[ He only catches brief moments from Truthless' memories, he didn't see it happen. But he can guess. There's enough reasons she would try something in a state in which it might backlash on her. Or was it from him? Truthless wouldn't outright attack her but the hints of Shadow Moon... ]
What has happened?
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I tried to continue our research into Oripathy with- with Truthless Recluse Cookie. But it was in the wake of grief, and he has been... he tried. But he's still... different. ... I wasn't ready. But I couldn't admit it.
When we tried, I saw visions of Shadow Milk Cookie. It scared me, and I lost control of the threads.
( that is... also shameful to admit, as the new guardian. )
The clinic is... repairing itself.
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[ He pulls her back in against him, tucks her tight as she leans in, strokes up and down her back soothingly under her braid. His frown grows heavier and his heart aches. He wishes he had been there.
And he feels her shame, the way she shrinks in on herself, and shakes his head. ]
Oh, love, do not blame yourself. Do not let it eat at you. There are always truths we hide from ourself, and the biggest one is that we are ready to move on when we are not. I am sorry I was not there for you, I fear I am not yet strong enough and there are many things I must come to terms with before I am, but I beg you. Forgive yourself.
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( lily carries crimes from their school days on her shoulders still- granted, that was... pretty cataclysmic. but the point stands- the only cloak she wears more than her actual cloak is the one cast from her sins, guilt that she can't let go of, because she can't make up for it no matter how hard she tries.
lily holds onto him, though- if she lets go, will she lose him again? )
I miss you. So much...
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[ Boy, does he. Yet someday he hopes she will be able to look at herself in the mirror, and tell herself she's sorry. Until then, he will hold her and forgive her for her. Squeeze her like he can fit her broken pieces back together. ]
I will be back, my love. I promise you. There is nothing that can keep me away for long.
[ He turns to rest his head against hers, the memory around them beginning to feel strained. There's only so much he can do against the brand, especially while as worn as he is. ]
Do not give up hope. You and Cacao both. I love you, White Lily Cookie. Promise me you will yet keep faith.
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( it comes out a whisper, a confession just for him and she hates the words tumbling from her tongue. but it's true. )
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But he shakes his head, tightens his hold on her like he can meld them together. ]
I understand, my love. But forgive me for being stubborn and saying no.
[ He smiles a little, turning his face in against her hair. The memory of a scent. ]
I have lost you too many times already to allow it to happen again. When I am back, we will talk. We have so much to say, and I fear we have shied away from it all. We hurt because we try to save each other.
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( lily balks, because. well. what do you mean 'no'- especially in the wake of what she's seen in these memories! and she's been horrid, always, even when she tries-
... and yet, she can't break away.
... )
... All I've ever done is cause pain... And you have been no different. Even though I want to...
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Have I not caused you pain as well? I did not speak up back at the Academy, I pulled away instead. I did not follow you, when I desperately wished to, fearing what was to be found. We have both struggled to keep the other safe, and all we've done is-
[ He sighs and shakes his head again, smiling. ]
We will talk, my heart, upon my return. I will hold nothing back from you anymore. I love you. I truly love you, and we have lived a very long time. Life has it's hardships, and as for as much love as there is there is pain, but we will get through it. Together, my love.
[ Please? ]
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lily's breath hitches and she wraps her arms around vanilla's neck, burying her face into the crook. )
Don't keep me waiting much longer, I beg of you...
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I promise. I promise, my heart. It won't be much longer. Wait for me.
[ He pulls back to put his hand to her cheeks to move her head so he can give her a soft, sweet kiss. ]
I have to go, I fear. I can't hold on any longer.
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... I love you. Please... don't forget this, ever...
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[ But he can show her, while the memory falls apart. Shifts the scenes to faded ones of their time together. Of all the times he's watched her, smiled at her, the way his expression always lit up around her.
The way his world always bloomed brighter when she walked into it. It causes him to fade, however, his smile sweet as he turns fuzzy, ghost like, before disappearing and the memories slowly come to a halt. The last one is their reunion in the Faerie Kingdom and the memory of his sheer joy at her opening her eyes. ]
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everything makes sense. (doesn't that make her crimes worse?) everything makes sense and her heart hurts so, so badly. but if he says to wait, that he'll return- she will wait.
even as guilt claws its way in, as anxieties rise again, she'll wait.
she'll wait. )