Entry tags:

It's Okay To Feel Sad

Who: Anyone!
What: Introduction to the new building, and some ~prompts~ in the comments (TBA)
When: After the mini event.
Where: Therapy building
Warnings: the usual Mizuki warnings apply.

[ Here's your all-express tour of the therapy building! In more detail because there's a lot going on. Welcome! Buckle up! Or don't!

the lobby

The lobby consists of a lot of very comfy chairs, cots, and stuffed animals. There's a table in the middle with handheld gaming devices. According to the sign Mizuki placed at the table, these are his and he will take them all away if even one gets broken. Be gentle!

There are six doors throughout the lobby that lead to different rooms.

the physical room

No, it's not a room where you get your physical. Rather, it's a room entirely covered with rock climbing walls, and the floor is entirely made from trampolines. There's no safety equipment, though, so be careful! It's great for getting out physical energy, though, and Mizuki insists that exercise is a great form of therapy. He potentially just asked for it so he could jump on the trampoline...

the sensory deprivation tanks

Surely not wanting to feel anything at all like your floating through the infinite vast of nothingness and becoming one with the universe is exactly what you wanted, right? Being alone with your damning thoughts and nothing else as there's absolutely no light and the body temperature water that leaves you floating feels somehow like nothing and also like... you?

...

There's four tanks in the room. Have fun!

the paint room

An entirely white room from floor to ceiling with a plethora of different colored paints in buckets in the middle of the room. There are paintbrushes as well, but it's highly encouraged to just throw the buckets around or start slapping your paint-covered hands on the walls. Make a paint angel! Go nuts!!! Just don't eat the paint. Or do, I guess?? I'm not your mom.

Upon leaving the room, it resets to the state it was in when you walked in initially.

the library

This room is... exactly what you expect, actually. There's a bunch of books in here. Most are self-help, but there's some artsy books like origami folding and coloring books, along with colored pencils. There's a sign that states "you can bring the books out to the lobby to read, just remember to put them back when you're done."

the rage room

All ye who enter this room will be CURSED to be MAD for all eternity!!!!! …Just kidding. Entering the room reveals a very homey looking room with plates and vases and tables and chairs and counters. It could be a small, one room house in here alone. All the furniture does look pretty cheap, though. There's a sledgehammer on the wall that some force seems to not allow you take it out of the room, but there's a sign above it that says "Get your anger out! Go nuts!"

Upon leaving the room, it resets to the state it was in when you walked in initially.

the office

This room is locked. Mizuki and the Shopkeeper both have a key. On the outside, there is a form on a clipboard you can fill out. You can write your name down, a brief blurb about what you want to talk about, who you wish to talk to, etc. etc. and slip the paper under the door.

Inside the room, it's set up to be very earthy. Greens and blues to invoke both calm and creativity... aaaand maybe also remind one of the sea or forest. There's a lot of potted plants (no flowers, oddly-) and a comfortable couch and separate chair. There's a desk in the corner. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ … ]

Is that what you truly believe Elsword thinks about you?

[ PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY, BUT ALSO— ]

I do have a few questions about that, too, actually. Can I ask why it always seems to be him you're curious about 'monitoring', or why the two of you spend so much time outside of hazardous situations versus — as you've said — with Chung, or why you've been incredibly physically affectionate with him while with others you remain closed off?

What do you mean, incredibly physically affectionate?! When was this?

And I'm monitoring him because he has the Forest parasite, the only other comparable patient would be Nene but her condition is far more advanced. Obviously, it's better to start with the less-advanced symptoms and attempt to control them before making any attempts to reverse the more severe symptoms... Chung only got here recently, shouldn't that be self explanatory?

[ Uh— oh. He's getting a little annoyed. Mizuki holds his hands up for a moment and shakes his head. ]

Don't take this as an attack, Doctor. I promise, this is a safe space, and I'm simply trying to understand…

With that said, though, you both were leaning on one another during the meeting we had — it's why I had assumed it was okay to say what I did, at the time… — and snuggling during the lantern festival. You had even put your fingers in his mouth, which generally isn't a thing I wouldn't include in "physically affectionate".

[ There's no forest infection in his mouth, Add- ]

Can I ask, too… why you feel a need to defend yourself about this?

He lay down next to me. It was the same at the meeting. Like I said, he's like that with everyone, I don't control when he decides to be affectionate with me. [because he was an innocent bystander in all of this while Elsword has been doing all the initiating, yeah...

about the finger sucking,] I'm a doctor, I put my fingers in a lot of places. There's nothing weird about it since I was examining one of my patients.

[...

that last question remains firm, though. why is he so flustered right now? he huffs out a sigh, reminding himself again to keep calm. it's just a misunderstanding... it's embarrassing, sure, but getting upset will only make him look worse.

deep breaths. stay cool, stay professional. you can handle this...]

Apologies... I just don't want it to be taken the wrong way. Elsword is... [hoo boy. he relents to the tiniest bit of honesty] a dear friend of mine. The Illuminous Phenomenon makes him vulnerable to certain types of manipulation. I wouldn't want him to think our relationship is something more based on false interpretations being fed back to him.

[ There's so much to unpack here, actually. He is happy that Add is trying to open up a little, though. He's calmer after his small rant, and he appreciates that. It's better to look at things like this with a clearer head. ]

I know. And, really, I do apologize for what I said at the meeting. It was out of line. [ Even if he continued it later, but only because Elsword is one whole ass confused boy. ]

… But, if you don't mind, Add, could you come hold my hand?

[ There's a point to this. ]

[it's almost like bottling up all your emotions makes it harder to keep it together when you do get upset and continuing to do it like that for years and years wears you down until you're seconds away from exploding at just the right trigger............ anyway!!]

What for? [he is not getting up or reaching a hand out. what is this trick... he doesn't trust it]

[ He can't SAY what it's for, Add. Then he wouldn't be proving a point!!! But he also can't say he's proving a point, because then Add might take it as a challenge!!!!!!! He continues to hold his hand out innocently. He also doesn't move, trying to figure out the best way to say something here.

He decides the best method might be to talk about himself here. Add has shared so much already, it's only fair he talks about himself a little, too, right? Not typical for therapists, but it is typical for friends. There can be some blurring… ]

I'm also quite the physically affectionate person. I tend not to even think about it a lot of time — much to the chagrin of my colleagues who've ended up in the Grove with me… [ Gnosis isn't much for contact, and Mizuki knows this. He's been trying to get better about it… ] It's… hm. For lack of a better way of explaining it, I just have a hard time understanding people based on most of their expression. Body language and facial expression and tone all tend to slip by me if I'm not extremely focused, which can sometimes get frustrating.

But it's a lot easier for me when I'm able to touch someone. Like, for example, someone happy might have all their muscles relax, and it's a lot easier for me to feel that than to pick it up.

[... for what it's worth, his anxious edges do soften a bit at the explanation. A hard time understanding people, huh... Add can remember a time when he felt the same. Before he decided to study medicine, make people like him, he didn't really pay much attention to those kinds of things. He would make people mad, or they'd be kind to him and he wouldn't understand their motives...

He likes to think he understands people better now (but whether that's actually true...)]

We differ in that regard. Physical contact is... [he had his fucking hands in Elsword's mouth are you kidding me] hmm. There's a difference between holding someone's hand, and having your hand held. Does that make sense to you?

[If he's in control of the situation, he feels comfortable with initiating as much contact as he wants... but the opposite isn't true. It makes him uncomfortable, if it's done the wrong way. Sometimes he himself can't say what the "right" approach is.

Elsword is just... a weird exception. He has good intuition, or something.

That said, the explanation is sufficient. There's still some reluctance, but Add does, eventually, offer out a hand... though Mizuki will have to lean forward a bit if he wants to hold more than the ends of his fingers.

... and he is trying very hard to intentionally relax, so hopefully his stress levels won't be detectable. this therapy stuff is seriously intense, he can't even tell who's winning right now. does he get points for forcing Mizuki to show some honesty of his own?]

[ "There's a difference between holding someone's hand, and having your hand held."

It's funny. He's had a conversation with Elsword earlier. He hasn't brought up anything he was told, but even he had mentioned to Elsword that the sort of impression he got from Add has control issues. He wonders why? He wants to ask about that. Is that something he can do, or is that a "second session" sort of thing??? He sees you, Add. He's not sure what he's looking at yet, but he sees you.

Okay, he's good. He's going to swallow that giddiness of "I was right!" and focus at the matter at hand. Maybe he can ease into that after this, or maybe he can keep it tucked away for now. Who knows? Mizuki doesn't. For now, he does scoot his chair closer, using his stingers rather than doing so himself, and as he does... he just takes hold of Add's hand completely. None of this half-assed bullshit. No, he's going in for the whole shebang. Palm to palm. Interlaced fingers. Little massages between the gaps of his knuckles.

The most intimate of handholds... because "Elsword is the exception" is, in fact, the point he's trying to make. ]

[If it weren't for the fact that he wants to win (at therapy) he would've pulled back immediately, yeah. He's wearing gloves, but even with that thin layer of separation... he's hyper-aware of every little twitch, the pulse of blood through his hand that Mizuki is currently entwined with. It feels invasive. He's managing to keep himself steady and calm, but knowing that the tiniest slip up could cause him to realize Add's feelings in this very moment...

His hand is a stiff as a board as Mizuki gives him the most intimate hand-massage of his life. You won't break him that easily.

... but it is getting kind of awkward. Should he say something? Is this just going to go on and on until he does? It's a test of mental and physical endurance, forcing himself to stay perfectly still and calm while Mizuki is getting all up in his business.

Ugh. Maybe... it's another kind of test, because a normal person would also find this weird after too long? He needs to figure out the right timing... he'll give it another fifteen, twenty seconds...]

... Well? I already admitted that it's a little uncomfortable, so if you're satisfied...

[ He gives it a second or two longer before he pulls his hand away and settles it in his lap. ]

So, bear me for a moment here… would you say that Elsword wouldn't have made you uncomfortable in a similar situation?

[It almost feels like he succeeded at something here... almost. But maybe this whole hand thing was a distraction all along. Why is Elsword being brought up again??]

That would depend on the situation. It's not really comparable since he wouldn't grab my hand like that for no reason...

[but if he did... Add would be alright with that, wouldn't he?]

... Anyway, that's just because we know each other better. It's not like he didn't irritate me all the time when we first met.

Mmh, but… I wouldn't have said that wasn't for "no reason".

[ He's keeping the topic on Elsword, actually. Sorry, Add. ]

You don't deny it, then? Can I ask why that is?

Deny what? That he used to irritate me? [Add knows that's not what he was implying but is he going to play dumb anyway? yes.] I don't see any reason to. I've learned to tolerate most of his bad habits, if they couldn't be trained out of him. It's unfortunate that the self-sacrificing behaviour is in blood. Brain surgery may be the only solution for that one.

Why does the topic keep shifting to Elsword, anyway? I thought this "therapy" was supposed to be about manipulating my mind, not his. Are you switching targets already?

It's not about manipulating, Add. And the topic is switching to Elsword because… I mean, you've certainly brought him up a lot during this session yourself. I'm trying to gauge how you feel about him, what he means to you, what his relationship with you is… That sort of thing can affect you, considering you see him as part of your support system.

Besides that, you seem to expertly divert questions when I try to ask about it. I'm trying to figure out why.

He's a good friend of mine, [he's even using the F word!!!] I trust him the same as I would any of the other Search Party members, and we're not in any kind of relationship beyond that. What else is there to say on the topic?

So you would do the same sorts of things you did with Elsword at the meeting and during the festival with Chung?

[...]

If he wanted to, maybe... Elsword initiated all of that. Chung and Elsword are different people, it's not as simple as switching their roles around.

[almost like they have a different kind of relationship that doesn't include grass-snuggling and finger-sucking... hmm.]

Mmh, I understand. [ He doesn't, actually— Well, maybe kind of?! ] Then Elsword is incredibly affectionate with you, and you reciprocate, or… ??

Any perceived interest of my own is purely scientific.

[incredibly affectionate... ugh, why does he have to keep putting it like that? he's blowing this out of proportion. Elsword is just a affectionate kind of person, right? so it's not even really notable...]

Scientic…? How… um… [ Ehem. Professional! ] Could you elaborate?

Elsword is my patient, and he's an unusual case in multiple ways... for example, that night keep you referring to. I was merely interested in the moisture levels of his oral cavity and surrounding lips. Considering the recent volcano incident, I was surprised he had recovered so quickly without any signs of dryness or bleeding.

I merely got a little... carried away, in the moment. [ahem.] Some observations can only be made in the moment... if I waited until later, conditions would have changed. So, I performed a quick examination on the spot.

Does that clear up your misconceptions?

…Not really. I'm having a hard time differentiating what the difference between "scientific curiosity" and "attraction" is, actually. Sorry…

Well, it's like...

[...

he doesn't really know either... but there's definitely no overlap between science and romantic attraction! that would be crazy.]

Attraction is... that's all about aesthetics, kissing and sexual intercourse, that kind of stuff. It's completely different. The similarities are only surface level because they both involve physical contact.

Oh— no, Add, actually that's not true at all. You can be romantically attracted to someone and steer clear of intimacy. It's especially common in neurodivergent people and those within the asexual spectrum and the few people who have traumatic experiences with physical touch.

…

Uh, which is a long winded explanation to say, romance isn't… the same for everyone. Everyone sort of has a different experience with what it means it to them. That's why "love languages" exist in the first place. Some people fall under the 'kissing and sexual intercourse' umbrella, but some have love languages that is gift giving, or taking care of their needs, or threatening other people who are interested in your romantic interest to back off, or words of affirmation.

[ Hey, wait, what was that other thing— ]

There's loads more, too! It's just… what it means to you. Which isn't always easy to find out, but… I don't want you to think that that's all there is to it.

the lobby

the physical room

the sensory deprivation tanks

the paint room

the library

the rage room

the office

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