sticksandbones | [OPEN] lays in the river while caramelldansen plays in the background

Entry tags:

[OPEN] lays in the river while caramelldansen plays in the background

Who: Elsword & You!
What: Fishing! Camping! Depression—
When: End of September
Where: The river & surrounding forest
Warnings: None yet

I. Fishing

[Elsword has had kind of a bad day, but that's okay, because therapy can be done by fishing. If he looks upset at all no he doesn't, he doesn't want to talk about it. How could anyone look upset when they're in the MILF shirt anyway, am I right? Anyway he's fine (he's not fine) he's fishing his teen boy angst away. So it's all good. He's good. Like a true fisherman, Elsword is knee-deep in the river with the rod cast far out in the distance, the bobber almost reaching the black fog wall, and he's quite focused on the task at hand. He doesn't notice you as he's reeling in the line, pulling in what looks like an oversized carp... and overestimating how hard he needs to pull the line, apparently, because the fish goes flying out of the water and smacks right into you.

Hi! Good afternoon! He's so sorry—]

II. Camping

[Late at night, Elsword is on the southmost side of the river with a camping tent set up. The reason why he's sleeping out here is because going back home right now is too awkward for him to stomach, but he won't say that if asked. Actually, he really does like camping, it's just he hasn't done it here in light of the whole dangerous-forest-thing. That's the excuse he gives. More of a half-truth than anything.

There are only a few lights in the darkness out here, one of which is a small lantern set up nearby, another a little campfire, and the last being Elsword's halo.]

Were you going to stay out here with me all night, or are you heading back soon?

[He asks, while he's roasting marshmallows over the fire — s'mores are a classic treat, can't go wrong with comfort junk food.]

III. Foraging

[The morning after sleeping outside like the feral child he is at heart, Elsword takes to looking for mushrooms. He has one of those little survival books he got from the Shopkeeper, the ones that tell you not to eat or touch certain plants and outline local fauna. The issue is, there are no animals other than fish out here, and the guide isn't updated to include all the new fish species... but it does contain information on mushrooms. And that's what matters.

Elsword told you "hey let's go look for mushrooms to eat" and he's assuming you know which ones to not just shove in your mouth like an animal. But just in case—]

Don't eat those ones. [Whether you're about to pick them up or just happened to look to your right.] That's an amanita. A death-cap. It'll kill you.

[If it wasn't obvious by the name.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[His nerves are frayed all to hell, but it's like a switch is being hit when he hears Elsword's tiny, elusive snort—]

Don't laugh at me! I'm trying to show some vulnerability here, and you...! [He's halfway between crying and getting genuinely mad about this, settling somewhere in the middle of two extremes... he knows exactly how stupid he must sound. Can he really blame him? The flash of anger passes and Add sighs, deflating.

At least he managed to diffuse the tension a little, even if it was unintentional. Where was he...]

I don't know how I feel about this. I'm not going to lie and say I return your feelings, but it was also a lie to say I was unaffected... I don't what this is, if anything. I've never had it before.

That's all I have. I know it's not a satisfying answer... if you're not interested anymore, we can call it a failed experiment and leave it at that. You're still important to me, and it's ridiculous that you've been living out here while I'm in your house, so if you want me to move out then just tell me so and I'll do it. But you're still my patient until that parasite is gone from you and I don't want to hear any complaints about it. Is that clear, Elsword?

[Honestly, he can't say he's surprised by any of this. The middle ground is only the second most unsurprising answer he could've given; Elsword still expected to be flat-out rejected, but in a nicer way. It sucks, but... he knew going into this that the outcome was going to go this direction somehow. He won't get his hopes up.

He shakes his head.]

Loud and clear. There aren't other doctors here anyway.

[Still, he's frowning again, simply because he does have to make it clear that he developed boundaries overnight. Who knew.]

...it was too awkward seeing you, so I just decided to camp. I usually come out here when I need a break anyway. You can keep living at the house, I'll come back this evening.

[After he's done fishing, okay. With a little sigh... He continues.]

I'm sorry for forcing you into this. I didn't... I wasn't thinking. But what else is new. You already said enough times that you didn't want something like that anyway, and I was being dumb about it. [Add also didn't stop to revoke consent at all but that's fine, it's all fine, Elsword will still take the blame for it. He's still wondering if the mirror was a good idea, too.] But you get why I was... am mad, right?

[He's still mad. It still hurts to think about. Apologies are nice, knowing that Add was lying about everything meaning nothing to him is nice, but "nice" doesn't fix being gutted when he just wanted to fix it from the get-go.]

...you tried to convince me nothing happened. And maybe that would've worked back on Elrios, when I couldn't remember my name some days, but it doesn't here. That's strike one. Strike two is when you said the kiss didn't mean anything to you, which I'll scrap since you apologized.

Strike three is treating me like a science project. Even now, you keep referring to stuff as an experiment and to me as a specimen. [Now he's frowning, gaze off to the side.] Sometimes I think you only keep me around because my head's messed up and there's a parasite in my arm. [A parasite which has worsened — vines wrap around his arm now.] I get that you really like this stuff, and you're always helping everyone out, and it's your passion and all — but I'm not a science project for you to mess with, Add. I'm a shell of a person, but I'm still a person.

[... he got all the terms he wanted, so on paper, this was a success. So why... does it still feel dissatisfying?

Maybe it's because he's still being scolded... but it's a thought that nags at the back of his mind. What did you want from this, really? Is there something more you stand to gain?

Never mind that for now. There are still mistakes he has to account for. The first two strikes are fair, and he feels a pang of guilt for the gaslighting... it'd be difficult to argue that he did it out of kindness, and really, he knows he did it because it was the more convenient out. Why address feelings that freak him out if he can just make it like it never happened? He should've realized sooner it wasn't going to work here, anyway.

Strike three, though... there's a flicker of confusion, like it genuinely didn't occur to him that this would cause any problems. Well, if he's trying to be polite he'll usually insist on patients and not specimens, but it doesn't sound like that distinction is the problem here. Project, experiment, specimens or patients, is he supposed to avoid all the scientific terms?

Instinctively he wants to argue, but seeing Elsword stare off to the side with that hurt expression... he bites his lip. No, no, this is all wrong, it's not supposed to go like this—]

You didn't force me into anything. If anything, you were— [don't use the science terms, Elria above this is going to be a challenge] I had plenty of opportunities to back out. I was the one who insisted. The fault is mine for not considering any of the consequences.

You're not a shell, and you're not a science project. If it was something that simple... it would be more effective to let the Forest overtake you and observe. [it's a harsh truth, but it's too late to take it back. well, this is the kind of person Add has always been, isn't it? he tries not to wring his hands.] There's far more to you than that. You're... a soft-hearted, selfless fool who still manages to keep surprising me. You're strong, fearless, you're always putting others before yourself, everyone likes you without even trying, everyone turns to you for leadership... I used to find it so irritating, like you were faking it all just to make me look bad. But then I realized that you're just like that... you always listen to me, even when you have no idea what I'm talking about, and you worry about me when I tell you not to... it's alarming how easily you can read me. You see things in me that I don't even notice. You treat everyone with kindness even when they stomp on your charity, and then you go and try to blame yourself for not being good enough... you're practically a saint, and it's sickening. No one could possibly be that good, and yet you've never shown any hesitation.

I don't understand how someone like you could possibly exist, but I... wanted to be closer to you... even when it impeded my own goals. I'm not a kind and selfless person like you. I only do things when they benefit me, and I only pursue things that are interesting, but you... there's just something about you, that makes me want to keep pace. Even if I'm the one faking it and only acting how people want to see...

[he wants to do better. he wants to be better, because Elsword has always believed in him. that's something that not even the Illuminous Phenomenon can take away.]

[Eventually, Elsword's eyes do land on Add again, and his expression softens... quite a lot, actually, from how he was earlier. An ordinary man might cry at all of this. Elsword isn't that these days for obvious reasons, but something in his chest is disgustingly warm. God.

He props his elbow up on his bent knee and his chin in his palm, head half-tilted. If Add were just mean all the time, Elsword wouldn't be defensive of him, and certainly wouldn't be here now, harbouring stupid crush feelings that he shouldn't have in the first place. He hums, then tries to form the sentiment of "ur cute and i like u" into an actual coherent statement.]

...see, all that sweetness is why I kissed you in the first place. ["You're cute when you're vulnerable" mmm maybe don't say it like that, uh.] When you're wearing your heart on your sleeve like that, it's... it's just nice. You don't have to shut down and "fake it" around me. I like seeing the sides you don't show to anybody else.

[Also, to be fair, Add did decide that pants did not need to be worn with his pyjama shirt that night, but Elsword is expressly not bringing that up at this juncture. He is a guy, he's stereotypical about this in some ways, anyone normal would find that attractive and snap probably.]

And you're a lot nicer than you give yourself credit for. I don't spend time around cruel people. I'm pretty good at reading others like that, and if I thought you were entirely selfish, I wouldn't be friends with you. Or have feelings for you, I guess.

We don't have to do anything about that kiss thing I just mentioned, though. Actually, I'm fine with waiting on your decision, since you said you don't know what it is you want. Just be nice if it's a no, okay?

[It's always in the heat of the moment when he can act like this, speaking honestly from the heart... so, as soon as Elsword points it out he starts feeling embarrassed again. Ugh, why is this even working?! And calling it sweetness... why can't he say he likes Add for how cool and smart he is instead of using a word like that...

He doesn't want to himself more credit. How can he be sure Elsword is really seeing that in him, and not just the facade he feeds to everyone else? ... but it's true that he wears the mask around him less than others. He feels... comfortable. He used to tell himself it's because of Elsword's condition, his naive and friendly nature, he doesn't have to try as hard because mistakes will be forgotten, but the more time they've spent together... if Add spoke his whole truth, would even that be enough to scare Elsword away?

... he's not quite brave enough to try it. Not yet. Maybe... if things like this keep happening...

He clears his throat, bringing himself back into the present. Well, everything seems to have gone well. Case closed. They can go back to how they were before, put this squabble behind them, focus on the more important matters... no pressure to follow up on those strange feelings, right?

But he's still hesitating. He... doesn't want to wrap up here. There are still loose ends, and against his better judgment... wouldn't a good scientist make sure to double-check his work?

He's quiet for an awkwardly long time... if he tries to think it through any more he's going to explode, so he just has to force out the words—]

C... can we... [don't say repeat the experiment do not fuck this up] It's not novel anymore, s-so... to be sure of my decision... we could... o...one more time?

As in, just the first part, not— Whatever you're comfortable with! We don't have to do anything. I just thought it would be easier, if I could reach a better conclusion now.

[Oops, there Add goes making him laugh again. He's two for two today, good job buddy.

Elsword adjusts how he's sitting, legs criss-cross now, head no longer in his hand. He's smirking just a little bit — Add is so embarrassed, it's extremely endearing, is this what they mean by "cute aggression" because oh boy. He's sure he understands it now. His eyes have been opened et cetera.]

...you're cute. [Sorry, Add, did you want to be called cool and smart and very good at doctoring? Because that is absolutely not the first thing on Elsword's mind right now.] Sure. Come here.

[Add won't have to scoot forward very much, because Elsword is quicker to close the gap than he reasonably should be — leaning forward to capture Add's lips in a firm but chaste kiss. No more, no less than that, just long enough for him to come to a conclusion.]

[He's too flustered to get mad about it again, beet-red and stammering like an idiot. It's a good thing that Elsword leans forward when he does, because Add was seconds away from talking himself out of it, backing out and putting it off until a distant "later"... but this time, at least, he's a little more prepared. As much as he can be prepared, anyway.

... this feels like how it should've been the first time. Soft and timid, simple, an offer that demands no immediate answer. Ah, he really did mess everything up before, didn't he...? but there's no point in dwelling on past mistakes, and... it's not like he disliked the immediate results. If anything, he...

The kiss breaks, and he's still sitting there with his eye closed and his mouth half-open like a shy schoolgirl on her first date. Technically, this would be their second date.

He holds that moment in his mind, analyzing, comparing notes... Elsword can't see it but he's going over his entire bioscan chart right now, a couple dynamos moving up to his shoulders. The data lines up with his controversial new theory, but... if he had to describe how he feels...]

... results are the same, but it's still insufficient. Excitement due to new experience can be ruled out, hormonal activity the likely cause, but I... still want to continue... even if the cause can be explained. It's not curiosity, so it must be... enjoyable?

Is that what... "love" is?

[He opens his eye again, and... it's a real question, because seriously, is that what love is? He has no fucking idea. Up until now he was pretty sure he never got that emotion, outside of platonic love for his mother. Is he in love, or is this something else he doesn't have a word for?]

Love isn't something you can measure, I don't think. It's kind of... um.

[Elsword is not the person to be explaining this, but he'll try his best.]

It's more abstract. There's brain stuff going on, [HORMONES?] and I guess you can measure that, but that's not really... I mean, I guess it works, but it's not romantic. Love is lots of things. Like, I love fishing, and I love camping food, and I love my sister, but that's not all the same thing. And I think the different types is where you can't measure it.

...uh, I think, anyway, brain stuff is kind of your thing. All this is to say that I think you're figuring it out. You love science and you love Dynamo, but it's different. [...] Heh, this is really hard to explain.

[Elsword runs a hand back through his hair, looking sheepish. He's supposed to know this... he instigated this whole journey, he should know how to explain this.]

Here, maybe if I phrase it this way... if you'd happily spend the rest of your life with someone and kiss them and want to go on dates, and if you'd move in with them and sleep in the same bed and not mind when they're a bit stupid or messy or make mistakes... that's love. Romantic love, I mean.

[As usual, Elsword's explanation is based entirely on vague, subjective opinions. It's all "love" but it's somehow different, despite not being able to give a clear example of how it's different. And then comparing this "love" to science and Dynamo like that isn't what confused him in the first place...

He sighs, giving up on the first half... well, he can at least try the second suggestion. Can he imagine himself doing more of... those kinds of things with Elsword?

kissing... dates... sleeping together, in the same bed...]

...

M...maybe we should... take it slow. [god. and to think he was okay with sharing a bed, back when this wasn't so weird. might be thinking about his hands all over Elsword's back muscles again.] The kissing is... I mean, it's fine, but if people are watching— ugh, this is going to make the rumours worse, isn't it? What am I supposed to say if people ask...

[head in hands, having a crisis... he's not ready for marriage what if people call them a cute couple he can't handle this]

[Listen Add you are not friends with Elsword for his intellect or his ability to explain things in a clear-cut way that doesn't involve word-vomiting for five minutes. That is not why you keep your pet himbo angel around.

Anyway.]

I'm not going to kiss you in public, don't worry. [oh but shoving fingers in mouths is okay got it] Those kinds of things are private. But we'll take it as slow as you want, okay?

...

And are they really rumours if we both agree we're actually dating? [Oh no wait he voiced it, now he's the flustered one, oh no—] I mean— if you want to be. If you want to have a title attached to it. You don't have to if you don't want to.

Of course there are rumours, you were there when everyone started speculating about our dating status! [and since that dreadful meeting he's heard it again from Mizuki, and then Irene... clearly this is all everyone else has been talking about.] Ugh, if anyone catches wind they're going to start making even more assumptions... dating life, then sex life, soon we won't be able to go anywhere together without questions being asked... my reputation as a doctor will be brought into question...

[????????? it's probably not that bad, actually, but good luck explaining it to Add... give him a minute to wear himself down]

Yeah, but rumours aren't rumours if they're true! Rumours are supposed to be fake stuff. And if anyone gets too invasive, we just tell them "no" and make them go away.

...I mean, BB might be a bit annoying about it, since she's— [threatened to top Add and he's mad about it still] —like that, but everyone else will probably take "no" for an answer, and Irene can just levitate BB again. Problem solved.

[Elsword chooses not to comment on "sex life" at this juncture thanks.]

Rumours are still rumours if they're true, it's the difference between certainty and speculation, not truth and lies! Denial will only make them more suspicious, if we deny it and we're already this obvious when nothing has even occurred then they're going to make even wilder assumptions based on our denial!

If we throw them off by making a statement... no, if we just act like it was this way all along... it's risky, but the chance of backfiring is lower than if we keep quiet. They'll believe they've won so they won't suspect further deception...

[... trailing off into mumbles, lost in his own little world like usual.

but after only half a minute or so he sits up and claps his hands firmly, a grave expression on his face.]

It's the best option we have. We... need to adapt to the situation.

If anyone asks, we're... [DON'T say experimenting] w-we're trying something new, by broadening the definition of our relationship... I guess that's the same as saying we're... dating? But don't use the word dating. That's too... it has too many implications... would it be more suspicious to avoid the term...?

What are you talking about? They're our friends, so they're not going to go around gossiping about us. And I already told a whole room of people I had feelings for you anyway after Mizuki asked!

[—er.

Scratch that, anyway, moving on—]

I'm pretty sure Chung already overheard us the other night anyway— [stop talking] —since— uh—

W-well, you were there, you know.

You told everyone?!

Before you even told me?!

[a

add that's how this normally works]

Did you want me to just walk up to you and say, "Hey Add, I know you don't want to date anyone but I have feelings for you I think, can we kiss?" Why would I do that?! I was still thinking about it at the time myself, and I didn't want to tell you I loved you because I didn't know what love felt like either until recently! I didn't want to hurt your feelings in case that wasn't true!

So you couldn't just tell me, but it was perfect fine to kiss me unprompted at three AM, put your hands down my pants and start engaging in manual stimulation?! You could've given me at least a little warning in advance! I was recovering from a traumatic experience and you sprung all this on me, what if it had hurt my feelings?!

Wha—

[Hold on a second. Hold on a second—!!!]

The blame is shared! You were wearing my shirt and nothing else! Maybe don't have your bare thighs out in my room like that if you don't want me to have a whole moment about how hot you look! Is "manual stimulation" what you're calling me getting you off now? You were the one who wanted my hands on your ass!

What are you, a brainless animal thriving off base instinct alone?! You're the one who insisted I change into something, and you didn't provide any pants, so what else were you expecting?! We've been naked around each other before, why would I think my undergarments would cause such a huge problem?! My bare thighs were entirely your machinations!

[no comment on the hands on his ass he's got nothing]

Me giving you my shirt does not mean you had to take your pants off! It's the fact that you were wearing my shirt and nothing else that was making my head spin!

If you weren't so goddamn attractive, we wouldn't be here!

[what]

H-how is that— you were asking about my facial scarring when you lost it, how is that even remotely attractive? Are you into that kind of thing?! Or were you just staring lustfully at my thighs the entire time like I'm a piece of meat?!

Have you ever considered that maybe I think you're hot with or without the facial scars?!

[what are we even mad about at this point, guys]

Maybe I like when you show some actual vulnerability for once! Maybe I like comforting you because I know you don't like your scars and I wanted to help you feel better! And yeah, maybe I also like the rest of you, too, and maybe I was ogling a bit! It may or may not be because I'm in love with you, stupid!

Hh— h— [hhhhhhhot????????????????????? ?????? ?? ?????]

You... are being utterly ridiculous right now!! Of course I make an effort to look good, but it's not like— you're not— have you even showered in the past three days?! You're not even trying, and it's completely unfair! How am I supposed to think I can compete with that?! You could be buried up to your neck in a compost heap and you'd still find some way to make yourself look appealing!!

You started it! You were ridiculous first! You and your stupid pretty long hair!! And your nice legs! And your stupid cute smile!

[HUFFS.]

I started it? What about you, taking off your shirt and flexing in the middle of my room?! Did you forget about that little incident, like you weren't running your hands through my hair all night? You were ogling me then, too, weren't you?!

[OPEN] lays in the river while caramelldansen plays in the background

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i rolled a 7,

im not even rolling for this he deserves the fail

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🎀