The air is cold, the sky dreary. Ever since your return to Aldric’s Grove, the chill in the air is as bitter and sharp as a knife. The scent of stew from the General Store’s windows is comforting, almost as much as the teas Ydalir is handing out if you pass by her tent. Nene puts baskets of her fresh produce on every doorstep or before the doors of people’s rooms in the inn, and Evan and Rillian join her sometimes, the two also handing out sweaters or cloaks. It’s not going to be as bad as last year, but a bitter winter is coming. It’s best to be prepared, isn’t it?
As the winter approaches, plantimals busy themselves to prepare as best they can, too. Pinecone squirrels harvest away nuts while one by one birds move as close to warmth as they can — and that may well just be Sehul and Aurora’s domains. The river water is clear as ever and even colder, with only the blessed trees and bushes still flowering and bearing fruit.
Yet nothing prepares anyone for the green mist, knee-high at the lowest, waist-high at the highest. It smells earthy and grassy, almost floral like a garden,and it pours out of
the research hall.
There’s a chill in the air. Something… strange is happening, yet again.
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sticksandbones2025-11-06 02:45 pm
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You didn't?
[He is genuinely surprised to hear they don't come from this town. The singular memory he has isn't exactly enough to prove how long they'd lived here, but they'd seemed so settled he'd kind of assumed that they were.]
The only thing I remember is having a picnic by the river with you. It'd be nice to hear about where you grew up, if it wasn't here.
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We grew up in a place called Polaris Landing. It's a seaside port village very far north, colder than anywhere else we've ever been. It's dark a lot of the year too, but you'll never see a more beautiful view of the stars anywhere else. Maybe not even in your world!
[He's kidding and it shows. Just a little hometown pride, nothing too serious.]
It probably sounds dreary, but the people make up for the cold. Everyone really sticks together. You...kind of have to in order to live in a place like that year-around? There aren't many people, and a lot of kids leave when they grow up, but it never felt empty. It's hard to explain, but it has its own charm.
cw: small town racism
[It does sound nice, though Min-Gi can't say he isn't relieved to have missed out on the cold if it was that extreme. Canadian winters are already more than enough.]
I don't think it sounds dreary. It sounds like you guys were really happy there. Powell Lake was fine, but it doesn't sound like it had the community you grew up with. At least if you weren't white.
[Maybe it would've been different if he had been, but he'd always felt like an outsider in ways that it doesn't sound like his past self ever had. He's a little jealous of that, too, but it's not like it's their fault they had a more supportive community around them when they were kids.]
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--Oh! That's cute! We're PL kids again!
[It's almost certainly a coincidence, but he's often finding beauty and meaning in little things.]
I'm sorry your world is that way though. I suppose we were lucky in Polaris Landing. It's small, but all kinds of people wind up living there. Then they stay for generations and more traders settle down and others leave for better weather and opportunities and eventually it looks like a shaken up bag of candy! Not really one of anything other than PL people.
[Unfortunately, this is starting to seem like bragging and he doesn't mean it that way, so he shifts the subject slightly to the left.]
You never did like the cold, you know. Even when we were little you'd jam your hands deep in your pockets and grumble about it.
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[A coincidence, sure, but kind of a nice one? Even if their PL sounds a lot more idealistic than their own is. It gives him mixed feelings, ones he isn't too sure how to unpick without feeling bitter one way or another. Powell Lake is his home, and for all its faults he doesn't regret that. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel unfair that some other version of himself got to grow up someplace he didn't have to deal with the things he always had.
The switch in subject is a good call. Knowing Ryan as well as he does, it doesn't feel like it comes out of nowhere. It's also strangely reassuring to know he has something in common with his past self, even something as trivial as a shared dislike of the cold.]
Powell Lake could get cold in winter, but there are worse parts of Canada. I still always kind of hated the winter though.
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We still missed Polaris Landing, but you were so happy once we didn't have to wear thick coats anymore.
[Ryan was too, actually. It wasn't about the cold though - it's just hard to express yourself with clothing when people don't actually get to see it unless you're indoors. Outer layers are for function, not fashion, as his mother would say.]
Are there other things you want to know about, Min-Gi?
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[Min has a lot of questions. He just isn't sure how to ask them, or if he even should. Ryan's the one person he feels closer to than anyone, but technically this Ryan is a stranger.]
I don't know. I mean... we've only just met, right? It's kind of weird to ask you things.
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[What he doesn't say is that it's hard to feel like they've just met when he lived through Min-Gi being this age once before. It seems like there's a question (or two, or three) on the tip of his tongue though, so all Ryan can do is encourage him]
So really, I mean it. Is there something you wanted to ask me?
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[It's hard to switch off that feeling, even with the reassurance of this Ryan.]
I guess I just... I don't know how he's so comfortable. You guys are touching each other constantly, and my Ryan doesn't even think I can handle holding his hand.
[He's been trying so hard not to refer to him as that, but it's hard not to slip into. It's not as though that isn't what he wants him to be, if he can ever pull himself together enough to convince him he's ready.]
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[It's not an unkind question, but it does sort of shape what the answer should be.]
Either way, it's not fair to say you need to immediately follow our example. We've been together for years now, so of course we're comfortable with each other. It doesn't mean that things weren't awkward here and there when it first started. From what I hear, that's normal?
[He doesn't have the amount of experience his current day counterpart has, so he wouldn't actually know. He does know something they've learned already though, which is that relationships take communication, and teenagers are sort of infamously not good at that.]
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[Which is not the same as a yes, but there's a willingness to put himself out there that hasn't always been there.
It is strangely comforting to know that even their past selves weren't exempt from teething troubles though. Min doesn't like feeling as though he's failing, and seeing this version of Min-Gi and Ryan really hasn't helped with how badly he's felt he's doing when it comes to proving himself to Ryan. It also brings up another question...]
How long have you been together?
[It's no surprise to hear it's been years. They'd almost been engaged, and even after knowing each other their entire lives that's not a step he can imagine them rushing to take.]
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Probably...fiiiifteen years? Or close to it. Somewhere around that number, I think. I asked him in our school days, and I was terrified at the time. I was so sure he was going to, oh, I don't know. Think I was joking, I suppose? Or not feel the same way? And then we'd have another four years of schooling and how would I ever look him in the eye again? Not to mention the teasing I'd have gotten from my sisters and brothers...
[He's able to think back on the memory fondly though, even with how much it scared him. It all worked out for the best in the end. Or, until the end.]
But we were really young. We didn't just jump from a schoolyard confession to a more serious, committed relationship. It was puppy love that eventually grew into a warm flame I never wanted to live without. I don't know that I could pick an exact moment it happened but...my love for him is like an extension of myself, in a way. It's as much a part of me as an arm or a leg. And if his love for me is just as certain, then maybe those loves are holding hands and connecting us together.
[He links his ghostly fingers together as he tries to explain this, and suddenly seems to realize that he's babbling a little bit and reels himself in.]
--Sorry, I don't know if that actually made much sense. Sometimes I get going on a thought and then it tries to keep going and going with or without me.
[Surely he knows that already though, about his Ryan.]
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[That's a long time. Longer than he'd dared to imagine. There's something daunting about having to live up to something their past selves seemed to have figured out before Min-Gi had even worked out what those inexplicable feelings he had actually were.
On the plus side, even if Ryan's comparisons are a little odd he can understand them well enough. It's flowery, but he knows the way his Ryan thinks, and it's not as different from some of the more purple romances he's read as he'd like.
If this was his Ryan (or not his Ryan, as the problem continues to be), he wouldn't hesitate to make fun of him. As it is...
Well, he's taking it pretty seriously.]
I feel the same way? I tried to hide it for so long, but putting it out there's just made things kind of weird. I don't know if he really gets what a big deal it was for me to tell him.
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[He sort of understands, if only that's because how his own relationship felt at first, though it was due more to their age and inexperience than anything else.]
Why do you think he doesn't understand?
[Of course he has his own thoughts about that, but he wants to hear more of Min-Gi's first before he reveals his own hand.]
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Why is it less than? He's my best friend. No matter what happens between us that's always going to be the most important thing.
[Does the Ryan he's more familiar with feel the same way as this one? It's hard to believe he could think their friendship is lesser, somehow less complete because they aren't dating, but this is also Ryan. If there's one person who could understand him better than Min, this is him.
Which makes him feel sort of shitty for using him as a way to try and understand where things are going wrong, but here he is, doing it anyway.]
If he understood, he'd be... happier, I guess? Instead it's like every time I try it's not enough.
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Sorry. I meant it before, when I said Min-Gi's still my best friend. This was more as a timeline than a rank, if that makes sense? Neither is better than the other, but it takes a bit to get from A to B. [He pauses, a little awkwardly.] ...not that one is Ranked A or B though. Just as points!
[He listens though, as Min-Gi tries to explain. Ryan's fully aware of why this Min-Gi is asking these things though, and it's why he encouraged him to. He's sweet, and he wants to help if he can.]
You know...I don't think he's as unhappy as you think he is. I can't and don't know everything he feels or why, obviously, but if I had to guess I think he's holding himself back. If he loves you even half as much as I love my Min-Gi, and I'm sure he does...it's a big feeling! And for some reason, he seems to worry a lot about being too much for everyone around him. So putting those two thoughts together into a larger one, I thiiiink he's a little worried about scaring you off? Maybe?
[He smiles apologetically. There isn't a whole lot he can do about his reincarnation, unfortunately.]
It's a little silly of him, but I think that might be his side - or close to it. You'd have to ask him to be sure.
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We've been through changes before, but most of them have made things better or worse. Maybe this can be different.
[Even with the fleeting moments that have felt more promising, Min's been worried he may have ruined things by opening up. He can understand why Ryan would want him to be more open, and he deserves someone who doesn't make him feel as though he has to hide. But on his own part, Min still feels the need to cling to privacy. That doesn't feel like it should make him the bad guy, but so far it's felt as though it's all on him to be the one to change.
If this Ryan is right, though, if he is trying to hold himself back, then maybe he isn't the only one who's trying to alter himself for the benefit of the other. He doesn't want Ryan to feel bad, of course, but it is sort of reassuring to consider that his admission hasn't just been some weight around his neck. Another instance of Min-Gi holding him back when he could be dating someone who isn't afraid to be seen with him. Ryan has his own insecurities, and maybe his rejection wasn't wholly to do with him.]
It's not silly. I am scared. Not because of him though. I'm ready to try.
[His hand had been forced, sure, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want this. That despite all the time he's spent trying to push those feelings away he hasn't wanted this for years.]
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Maybe it only feels silly from my end. You're right though, it doesn't mean that it actually is silly. I should probably be a little nicer to him.
[It's not necessarily because Min-Gi's scared, but because he knows his reincarnation really thinks there's a chance he could react so badly that Min-Gi decides it's all too much, that he's too much to push for. That is what feels silly, after being with his own Min-Gi for so long.]
I do think he cares a lot about your happiness though. Maybe even more than his own. I won't call it silly again, but I do think he's...making a well-intentioned mistake? That kind of thing sounds romantic, to care about your partner more than yourself, but it isn't good for either of you. You can't put someone on that kind of a pedestal in a relationship, no matter how much you feel it. I don't think it can flourish if you're not equals. Does that make sense?
[The words he says sound like they're about Ryan, but he has a way of looking at this past Min-Gi that suggests this applies just as much to him. They're both trying to please the other too much, and it's ultimately hurting both of them. It's making Min-Gi petrified he's about to fail a test, which makes Ryan pull back on his enthusiasm so that he isn't scared even more, which makes Min-Gi petrified he's failing a test because Ryan isn't reacting the way he typically would when excited about something.]
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[Somehow it's easier to admit that to him, even if he is still Ryan in so many ways. He knows he ends up on the receiving end of his frustration more than he deserves, but it's hard to say it out loud when it matters.]
I care about him too. If he wants someone who isn't scared to show him their feelings, I want to be that for him.
[Which is exactly what he's been trying to do to less success than he'd like. Maybe this Ryan is right. Min knows he has to make changes if he doesn't want to hold him back, but he and Ryan have always been a better team when they play to their strengths. Maybe they've both been trying too hard to be more like the other. He sighs, shoulders slouching forward in resignation.]
I get it though. What we're doing now isn't working. We need to think about ourselves as well as each other.
[Exactly how he can manage that without letting himself slip back into the comfort of secrecy is something he's less sure of. As much as he'd like a relationship they can keep behind closed doors, he knows that would be too much to expect from Ryan. If this is going to work out then they'll both need to find places they can compromise.]
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It won't be the end of things if you have to take a new approach. Actually, I think it shows how much you want this and isn't that ultimately what your Ryan wants? To know that he's wanted that way?
[Maybe that's something Ryan should know by now, and he probably does to an extent. But this Ryan sees him worrying about whether or not Min-Gi actually wants this or is just trying to make him happy with what he thinks he wants. He wants to be loved more than just behind closed doors and then beats himself up for being a selfish asshole (in his words) for asking for it. He's dimming his sunshine to try and make up for having needs as a person.
He rests his head on his hand and looks to Min-Gi.]
You've thought a lot about him though. What do you want? [But! He holds his other hand up and wags a finger.] Other than being what Ryan wants.
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Maybe. It's been kind of hard to know what he wants lately.
[This Ryan is older and wiser, but he's lived a completely different life to the one that they have. He wants to believe he's right, but he's worried about getting his hopes up too high only to be shot down again.
As for what he wants...
That's a question he could think about all day and still not have the answers to.]
I wish I knew. I never thought I'd be in this position. That Ryan would know. That I'd even be able to try and be with him. I've always tried to push these thoughts away, now I actually want to figure it out...
I can't tell what I think I should want from what I actually want.
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[Saying it that way makes it seem obvious, though he hopes it's in an affirming way and not a patronizing one. Sometimes it's hard to see both sides.]
Well...why don't you tell me some of those wants and should-wants? I'm pretty good at knowing what I want most of the time, and I won't tell anyone else.
[
Except maybe his own Min-Gi later, but in his defense that's still keeping it between himself and a Min-Gi.]no subject
Unfortunately, it does still feel weird to be having this conversation with anyone. His cheeks redden, sitting awkwardly as he tries to voice the thoughts he's spent so many years trying to push down.]
I think I want to hold him sometimes? Or maybe for him to hold me? But it freaks me out if we wake up like that or something. I even flipped out on him for holding my hand a while back.
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Min-Gi doesn't need him to say that though. He likely knows exactly how it sounds. Instead, he cuts right to the heart of it. The minefield Min-Gi's tried so hard to strategically avoid.]
Why does it scare you so much, Min-Gi? What do you think would happen?
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Not everyone would like it. And like... I get that here I shouldn't care about that, but if we ever get back home there are plenty of people who would hate us for it. Not to mention how my parents will feel. This will really hurt them.
[That's a fact that's hard to shake. He's made his choice, but it involves potentially putting themselves in danger. It means if Ryan accepts him he's disappointing the people who'd given him so much throughout his childhood and beyond yet again. Min sighs, his frustration seeming to evaporate. His shoulders sag in resignation, eyes fixed on the ground.]
I wish it was easier, but it's not. I think about that every time I try and picture something with Ryan.
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Forgot to warn for homophobia, oops
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