🤡

[godsfavourite]

Who: Allen + You!
What: Holy clown boy coming to a Grove near you!
When: Beginning of March
Where: ??? Around
Warnings: None yet, will be in headers as the pop up.



I. I've tasted all your sin (Forest entrance)

[ There is, perhaps, not a single person who would say arriving in the Grove isn't jarring. Some woke up here from their own slumber back home, and that is perhaps the smoothest transition you can get, even even that has yet to be graceful. For Allen, one moment he's holding the hand of his friend, trying to wake him up from what he could only assume was a horrific coma, and then next he's... here. His hand clasps in on itself, and he's suddenly looking around in a panic. He knew that the place he'd ended up may very well kick him out of his consciousness. May lend just the right amount of strength for Nea to pull him out of the "driver's seat", so to speak, but... is that what's happening now? Now, when he was so close to saving his friend?

No.

No, no, no.

The panic sets in as he darts from out of the trees, attempting to look for something, anything that might help him figure out how to get back. It's once he gets into the Grove proper that his eye activates. He has his own questions about that - if he's not in control, where is that coming from? What would his eye see... in his own head? Before he can ponder it for too long, he at least gets one of his answers. What does his eye see? Well.

Death.

It's the first time Allen's seeing souls not attached to something else, but Allen doesn't have time to process that part. Rather, he is trying to remember how to breathe again, because as of now, seeing the horrible visions in front of him - death of his friends, of those he loves, of a fire that isn't really there - all has the air he's trying to get out caught in his throat. It's only once his eye deactivates, the sclera turning from black to white and the red of his eye back to a silvery gray, does he finally have some kind of reprieve from the overwhelm. It's not much. The panic has only gotten worse, after all.

He falls to his knees, gasping for air as if he'd been held underwater for too long. ]

II. You've lost your appetite (for sacrifice) (Timcanpy, the Inn)

[ Timcanpy is a little golden golem. He is here! He isn't sure why he's here, but he is! How exciting! He's gonna...! He's...!!!

...

Where is this!!!!!!!!!! He is going to float out of the inn room he Spawned(tm) in and??? chew on the first person he sees. Hello. ]

III. How can we terminate this parasite (Around the Grove)

[ Fortunately, although the panic attack hits Allen like a train, the fact that he's so fucking hungry does as well. Which means... this is definitely his body. He's not stuck in his head. That's?? Good. Probably. Well, it's not good that he doesn't know where he is, but it's good he's still Him. Does this make sense? No. It doesn't. Fuck, he's SO hungry-

He will very hastily try to find the first person he can and catch their attention with a friendly wave of his normal-looking hand, and in a thick, British accent: ] Cheers! Uh, I have a lot of questions, but... most important, do you know where a bloke might find some food? Preferably, a lot of it?

...

Oh, also, what is that? [ He's, uh, pointing at Moder. ]

IV. If you keep digging up the Host? (Wildcard)
HMU if you wanna do something else pls I have such a strong muse for my baby boy I'm gonna be SO annoying-

Comments

[lotusflower]

[Look, Kanda was "dead" for three months. When he got back to the Order briefly, Lavi wasn't there to greet him in that over-enthusiastic way he does. He's been gone long enough that just hearing the other man's name is a shock.]

...is he alive?

[godsfavourite]

...Yes. Just... hurting. I don't know why yet.

[lotusflower]

[Well. That's... good? Better than the alternative.]

We'll figure out how to get back, then. I was in the middle of finding out more about your situation anyway.

[godsfavourite]

...Yeah? That's a little embarrassing. It feels like we've been apart for such a long time. [ It's been like a few days. Maybe a week. But also when you have years of lost memories shoved into your brain, you kind of lose track of time. ]

[lotusflower]

It's been a couple days. [fuck you mean "long time".] Don't tell me you missed me.

[Ew.]

...did anything happen after we parted?

[godsfavourite]

Uh... Well! We made it to that Zoogle place! The one we talked about before you left.

...

And then I had to use the Ark again to get to the Fourteenth's home. [ Allen. ] I guess there was a lot of stuff that happened? I dunno. My head hurts. I'm hungry. Is there food?

[lotusflower]

[...

Nevermind he's done being civil. He's glaring.]

You're hiding something. There's no food and you get to starve until you fucking talk.

[godsfavourite]

There’s restaurants! You’re not a fuckin’ obstacle, you wanker. I can go get food if I want.

We can talk about that stuff later, we should find more out about this place first!

[lotusflower]

I found you collapsed outside bawling your goddamn eyes out, and now you're avoiding the question. "Later" with you means "never".

Spill.

[godsfavourite]

[ Allen balls up the rag and chucks it at Kanda. Take snot, asshole— ]

I don’t get you! This is the second time you— It doesn’t matter! Knowing or not knowing won’t affect you in any way! If it were relevant, I’d bloody tell you, okay?? But it’s not!

It’s better you don’t know, anyway! You’re just gonna have some snarky arse comment and move on!

[lotusflower]

[SWATS IT BACK AT HIM???

Grr. He hates you. This is why he hates you, this is exactly why he can't fucking stand your ass. Why does he bother trying to help someone that clearly doesn't want to be helped?

Kanda's fist is in Allen's shirt before he can reasonably stop himself, hauling the shorter man up on the balls of his feet.]

I'm trying to fucking help you, [he hisses, long past the point of trying to deny that now,] you insufferable little shit.

[But fine, whatever. If Allen won't talk, Kanda will drop him and shove him back. So much for being worried, he supposes! Clearly Allen is fine!!]

Fine. Let's go figure out where we are, then, if you have nothing helpful to share.

[godsfavourite]

[ For a moment, Allen looks ready to block a punch or throw one himself, aggressive and defensive and hostile as ever when met with the same, but it melts fairly fast at Kanda’s words. “Help”. Yeah. He is. They all are. Even though Allen didn’t deserve any of it, he has friends who care about him. Him. The Allen as he is now.

That alone is quite likely the only reason he hasn’t lost his will to keep going.

Shaky hands reach up to try and grab Kanda’s, which become more confident when the swordsman puts him down. It’s his wrist he grabs over his hand, and it’s followed by a very loud: ] Wait!

[ Allen doesn’t look at him, but he softens his tone. ]

You’re right. I promised to stop closing off all the time — I shouldn’t have snapped.

It’s… still raw. For me I… learned it today, [ Or, a few days ago, but he was comatose and… still! ] and…

I haven’t wanted to think about it more.

… [ He lets Kanda go. ] I’m sorry. Can we have a sit down?

[lotusflower]

[Kanda truly is not a words man. Instead of answering with any form of caring, or saying "sure" or "let's go", he simply nods in that terse way he does and motions Allen to follow him, though he notably doesn't shake the other man off. It's as close to a verbal statement as he'll get, unfortunately.

Kanda leads them upstairs to the inn rooms, finding no shortage of unclaimed ones when they get there. They can sit down in here for a minute, and he'll figure out how to pay for a room in a while. It's not like they don't have ten fucking million (like twenty) empty ones.

After Allen is in the room, he closes the door behind both of them.]

Sit.

[godsfavourite]

[ Allen follows. Be proud! For once he isn’t just running away from his goddamn feelings—

He sits on the bed, not looking at Kanda, and just… looking very upset at the ground. Equal parts sad and angry. ]

… The… I…

…

I learned why I couldn’t remember anything before the circus. And… why I have my Innocence. And…

I… The Allen you and everyone else knows was never supposed to exist.

[lotusflower]

[Ooh, that is... actually the last thing he was expecting. Allen isn't supposed to be from a similar situation to Kanda's, and he definitely feels that spark of rage bubbling up already.]

You're not like me, are you?

[He might have to go back and start lopping heads off and damn the consequences if so.]

[godsfavourite]

No— [ Allen starts, answering immediately because of course he isn’t. He’s not a second exorcist. The Black Order didn’t make him. He wasn’t made to suit an Innocence. He wasn’t just one person.

But then Allen thinks about it for more than a second, and his eyes widen in realization that… it’s… alarmingly close, isn’t it? A body that’s not his. Memories he watched like a movie and didn’t feel like “his”. Haunted by things he “did” but didn’t remember doing. He blinks as tears sting his eyes, both completely miserable in knowing that his despair is something Kanda must have felt… and also comforted that he isn’t really alone.

He swallows, letting out a very soft, shaky “oh” as he looks at Kanda now, eyes wide. ]

…Yes. Oh, God. I didn’t realize how similar it…

…Does this… Does this feeling you’re a stranger in your own body go away…?

[lotusflower]

[...despite himself, Kanda strolls away from the door and sits down on the bed nearby. Not too close, wouldn't want to get in Allen's space, but definitely there. Definitely closer than he normally is, than he used to sit.]

Eventually. [He murmurs, leaning forward with his hands folded between his parted knees.] But I'm stubborn. I always fought against it, because the alternative was that they terminated me. I bet they still wish they could sometimes.

[The ones that survived, anyway. People like Lvellie that saw Kanda as only a nuisance in the way of whatever greater plans they had for Allen, or Reni who likely still saw the artificial exorcists as disposable.

He smirks despite himself, looking sidelong at Allen.]

I won't say it doesn't bother me sometimes. I guess I'm used to it enough to deal with it at this point. It's been nine years, after all. [...] You're twice as bullheaded as I am. You'll figure it out.

[godsfavourite]

[ Allen takes the time to kick his shoes off so he can bring his feet up onto the bed. He hugs his legs and pushes his face into his knees. His voice from here on will be mildly muffled… but he will continue. ]

This is… [ He huffs. ] This will sound bloody insane. But. The Allen before… he let Nea in. He was also… friends with Lavi. The one before ours. Apocryphos tried to… kill Allen? Destroy Allen’s soul? But Lavi saved him and…

I don’t know how to explain it beyond… pieces of his soul mended parts of Allen’s that Apocryphos got to?? His bloody feathers… infected the arm????? [ He flexes the fingers of his Innocence. ] It made Allen a child, but…

And that’s me? And that’s me. Because Apocryphos took my memories and… gave me to the circus?

…

It’s all so fucked, Kanda.

[lotusflower]

[...oooooookay so there go all his secret hopes that Allen would be a little more normal than Kanda ever was. That's great. Thanks God for literally fucking nothing.

The fuck does he say to that? He just used his one semi-reasonable advice skill that he gets per year! It's gone now! How the fuck does comforting someone work? Why are the Bookmen all so weird?? Why is there two of everybody—]

No fucking kidding.

[What to say, what to say... "wow that's crazy"?? "Oof"?? "So sorry"??? Ugh.

What would Johnny do what would Johnny do what would—]

I'll. [...do something. Yeah he'll do something. He'll—] I'll snap that creep's neck again, I swear to God.

[godsfavourite]

The worst of it is… it’s not even Nea’s fault. Allen gave himself to Nea. I wanted to blame him for this rubbish, for my faults, for hurting people, for all the horrible things that have happened to me — it was so easy to blame him. But he and Allen were friends?

[ He squeezes his eyes shut and digs his nails into his legs as he tries to pull them closer, like he’s trying to disappear. ]

My head hurts so much. I don’t… I wanted to know. I wanted to know more than anything, but now that I do, I’m just… angry.

[lotusflower]

One of the things Tiedoll and I were going to research was how to separate the two of you. We didn't exactly make it back to the Order before I wound up here, though.

[He's trying. He swears he's trying.]

I'm probably going to be on fucking probation if I ever make it back.

[godsfavourite]

[ The way Allen whips his head to look at Kanda. ]

No if!

… Please. When you get back, when we make it, it will be a when. It has to be, it has to be. We’ve fought too hard for this. Everyone has sacrificed so much for this. For me. I can’t… I can’t lose anyone now. I can’t, I won’t, I won’t.

[lotusflower]

...right. When I make it back and get put on fucking probation.

[He's going to be in sooooo much trouble. Maybe he'll stop Falling, but is it worth it? He'd rather Fall and help, even though Allen is going to hate it.

God, when did they become this close?]

We'll figure it out.

[godsfavourite]

…Tiedoll will fight for you. Komui, too. Even if you do get any form of punishment, it won’t be more than a slap on the wrist.

[ He knows they don’t have amazing pull within the Order, but…

He reaches a hand over, gently trying to do something more… physically comforting. For himself more than Kanda, since he’s well aware the other doesn’t care for physical touch that isn’t punching or some other form of violence. It’s this discomfort that makes Allen just gently tug his sleeve in the end.

Allen has always been both a physically affectionate person, while also being aware of other people’s boundaries. That has… made it hard for him to know how to handle Kanda. ]

Besides, you’re a General now. Cross got away with way worse shit, didn’t he? You’ll be okay.

[lotusflower]

Cross got away with worse shit because Central wasn't telling him no. Those goddamn bastards are up to something, and none of them are on your side. I doubt Cross was either.

I'm on your side, and I imagine they're going to try kneecapping me due to it. [Keyword: try.] What leverage does Komui even have these days? Lvellie walks all over him. I was barely able to get out of the Order to look for you without telling them where Alma is buried because that mustache-wearing son of a bitch kept jumping down my throat.